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fed up of feeling like this!

(12 Posts)
Jaffacakesaremyfave Fri 27-Nov-15 10:31:15

I broke up with my long distance bf about 3 weeks ago. I know it was the right thing to do as he wasn't serious about moving here to be with me.

I went on AD's for my anxiety and was doing fine doing NC. The first week was rough, it hit me hard knowing all the hopes and dreams he promised were never going to be a reality and facing xmas alone (he was supposed to be visiting in 3 weeks).

He started texting last week saying he wanted to talk and I stupidly agreed as long as something had changed (i.e. He was willing to make a serious effort to move here). We talked on Wednesday night and he didn't really say anything to let me know he's changed, just went over old ground but he told me he still loved me and wanted to talk properly and would call me the day after.

Anyway, he didn't call last night and I feel back at square one. I'm devastated all over again and I don't know why: probably because I gave him the power back.

I just can't understand why he won't leave me alone if he doesn't want to be with me. I feel so hurt, stupid and so completely alone. I've internalised everything and now feel like there must be something wrong with me. I already have a failed marriage behind me and can't understand why I can't seem to find a happy relationship.

I'm so tired of being on my own with my 3 DC's, I was single for nearly 5 years before I met my ex and seem to attract complete arses, I really thought this one was different and it hurts so much to know my judgement was wrong.....again!!!

What is wrong with me??

Threefishys Fri 27-Nov-15 10:36:06

How long had you been together? And how long distance?

Jaffacakesaremyfave Fri 27-Nov-15 10:41:00

We were 'together' for nearly 18 months and it was very long distance (as in another country). He visited lots though and we went on a lovely holiday together in the summer. I knew it would be tough to be together but I thought he was genuine about moving here.

He says he can't move sooner because of work (he has to sit 3 exams to work here) but he isn't even trying to arrange to sit them even though he protests that he is.

I know I probably sound like an idiot even trying to make this work but I really thought he was 'the one'

Threefishys Fri 27-Nov-15 10:47:49

Its a massive commitment to move countries to be with someone you've only known a relatively short time I think. We see so many women on here who make the move for their Dps work etc to another country and are utterly miserable and they've been together and built a life together already sometimes for several years. It's a huge risk. If I was you I would have focussed on enjoying the time you do spend together rather than the future. That said if you're happier without him in your life at all in the long run than in it as and when travel allows then you've done the right thing.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 27-Nov-15 10:54:41

Why do you need "the one" to be happy?

Have you had any therapy? A succession of arses for partners suggests you aren't making good choices. Everyone attracts the arses to some extent you know. Many arses have a scattergun approach trying it on with loads of women. Those of us with healthy boundaries notice they are arses very quickly and disengage, thus leaving ourselves open to the good ones, which is why we get the good ones while you waste your time with the bad ones. Counselling can help with that.

Do really just need companionship? You say you are tired of being alone with your 3DC. Maybe you need more mates and a hobby. Expecting a future Mr Perfect to make your life not boring isn't healthy.

TooSassy Fri 27-Nov-15 10:56:43

It's a lot to ask someone to move country to be with you. I wouldn't do it, can be exceptionally isolating and takes a lot to 'restart' so to speak.

My view is this, if he moves because he wants to move (I.e he really wants to be in the country you are in despite you), then he should make the move. Then you see how it goes.

I couldn't imagine the pressure of making it work if someone left everything to come and be with me. I'd actually feel trapped before it even started. Living together etc is so very different to a LTR.....

In your shoes I'd carry on with my life (don't be exclusive) . Tell him how you feel. If he makes it over under his own steam then so be it. If not, do what makes you happy. You can still have some form of relationship. Doesn't have to be all or nothing...

Dowser Fri 27-Nov-15 10:59:54

So you didn't meet face to face to talk on Wednesday even.

Maybe he is/ was the one but life just got in the way.

You are sick of being on your own with three kids but choosing an unavailable man has made that no better.

You've only had a fleeting part time relationship and as much as he cares for/ loves you it maybe all he needs right now.

Moving in with someone else's children is a big ask. It's maybe a step too far at the moment and with Children he possibly doesnt know too well. Or he could move in and it really just doesn't work out.

If the boot was on the other foot would you pull up all your roots ad children's too to live in his country.

strawberryandaflake Fri 27-Nov-15 11:06:11

You went on AD's after 3 weeks? Well there's your answer. You're being reactionary. You need to do some work on you to make yourself a stronger person. I have mod/severe depression but 3 weeks just seems like you hit the pills instead of trying to deal with it first. Be strong, you will attract strong people. Not arseholes. Xx

Jaffacakesaremyfave Fri 27-Nov-15 11:46:13

I completely understand it's a huge ask for him to come here but it's what we agreed on and I've made it clear that I don't want to maintain the relationship long distance unless there is some prospect in the near future of him moving here.

That's why I broke up with him so I can't understand why he wants to carry on feeding me lies about moving here, wanting to be with me when he clearly has no intention of coming here.

I started in AD's for longstanding anxiety. I've just moved house and changed jobs so was already stressed and the break up was just the last straw.

I know I shouldn't need a man to feel happy and that I have a lot of issues in that area. A lot of my own self esteem is tied up in what other people think of me, feeling wanted etc and I've thought about counselling but it's hard to fit in amongst work and kids.

If I didn't have my DC I can honestly say I would move there in a heartbeat. We both have jobs where we can work in any country (medical field) so it wouldn't be an issue for me.

I just want him to leave me alone if there's no prospect of us being together but find it so hard to ignore him when he calls as I still love him.

pallasathena Fri 27-Nov-15 12:46:02

It's called hedging one's bets. Time to put you and yours first o/p.

gatewalker Fri 27-Nov-15 13:28:23

OP - Do you see that you're giving your power away even with this statement? - "I just want him to leave me alone if there's no prospect of us being together but find it so hard to ignore him when he calls as I still love him."

Look, it's hard cutting contact and staying out of contact, and sometimes it'll take several attempts to do this. All okay.

And it's hard to look inside and start picking apart your own conditioning, beliefs and behaviours to the point where you make different choices.

My advice, for what it's worth: Cut contact; block/blacklist his email address and phone numbers; get yourself into some form of therapy and/or support programme.

All the very best to you.

Jaffacakesaremyfave Fri 27-Nov-15 13:38:01

I completely get it gate, I hate feeling this weak. I'm still fighting with myself that he could really be this horrible and string me along to 'hedge his bets'

I was convinced he was a nice person and would never treat me badly. I still want to believe that he'll call and tell me all the things I want to hear. It's like my heart is overriding my head and I can't think straight.

I will block his number and try and move on, even though I want answers and it will be hard I can at least stop checking my phone every 2 minutes!! I wish it didn't hurt so much though sad

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