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selfish partner!!

(19 Posts)
GeorgiaT2468 Fri 27-Nov-15 09:10:32

So my partner of 4 years and father to my 2 children and child who's due in less than two weeks is currently under investigation via his GP for COPD (*Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease)* and finds it hard to breathe even when simply talking!!!!

The news that this was likely along with his severe asthma the news scared him and finally we walked out of the doctors and he throws his fags away and applied at the gym to "start a fresh". He refused a take away for tea and cooked himself veg ect.. So he was for once being responsible for his health.. So I thought..

I nipped into the shop just now after the school run to get some milk. The shop owner asks me what my husbands last name is.. I tell him and he hands me my partners bank card and said.. "Here you go, he nipped in for his fags this morning before work but left his card here by accident" angry he's supposed to be getting his official diagnosis next week and has been almost begged by his GP and family to at least not smoke as GP said that it could very well take your life sooner than you want it to!!

He's so selfish, he can't run around with the kids because he can't breathe but he can use our family money to smoke and poised his body more.

Am I being over the top??

After crying my eyes out for the last month, being quite unwell myself at the min, scared and sorry for him being told such frightening news, running around after him at 8/9 months pregnant to ensure I look after him more and so he can rest, cook his dinner even if I can bearly stand with my dislodged pelvis. Looking after our children, running him baths, getting his mess ready bla bla bla bla the list goes on..

And the whole time he is smoking??????

I'm fuming and feel sorry for our kids..

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Fri 27-Nov-15 09:17:24

OP I'm sorry to hear things are so stressful st the moment.

COPD is indeed very serious, my aunt passed away as a result last month aged 57, almost certainly because she continued smoking.

However, as an ex-smoker I know how hard it it's to give up without help. Maybe he wants to stop but is finding it hard?

Perhaps tell him you know he's been smoking and ask if he needs help to stop, and remind him about the smoking cessation clinics ran at GP surgeries where he can get support and nicotine replacement therapy.

I hope he gets the help he needs and his health improves very soon.

flowers for you OP.

FredaMayor Fri 27-Nov-15 09:18:06

Georgia, your situation with OH is understandably horrible for you and it is the very last thing you need at the moment.

Unfortunately overcoming addiction of any kind really needs full co-operation from the addict, he has got to really want it, otherwise it won't happen. Is there anyone in RL, say a family member, who can help you once the baby arrives?

Longer term, have you though about whether or not you really want to be with OH?

randomuser12 Fri 27-Nov-15 09:19:21

Its understandable you're upset. The two things he can do to help most are initially to quit smoking, and then, once this has been established for around 3 months, aim to lose weight.

However without medication or nicotine replacement therapy, smoking cessation has only a 4% success rate per attempt. With medication this rises to 25% per attempt. In short one would expect to require more than 1 attempt to succeed.

Find out whether he has the diagnosis, set a quit date for a couple of weeks later then book to see the stop smoking nurse in the interim.

DifferentCats Fri 27-Nov-15 09:20:53

I know it's really hard, but guilt does not make addicts better. The more of failure he feels, the less able to quit he will be.

Joysmum Fri 27-Nov-15 09:25:11

My friends dad died of lung cancer but couldn't give up smoking, my DH has type 2 diabetes and hasn't managed to sort out his diet despite his mum dying aged only 55. I myself have binge eating disorder so I know only too well that the black and white thinking and blame for his addiction won't help him to give up, just make things worse. He's hiding it because he's ashamed and can't just give up as you'd like him to, and he'd like to.

My advice, don't make this about you and your fears, you need to talk to him. Reassure him that you knew it wouldn't be a case of just being able to stop just like than and talk him through getting help to quit in a way that will be most effective for him.

Whatever you do, don't lay the guilt on because you'll make things worse.

Keeptrudging Fri 27-Nov-15 09:24:55

I know this isn't ideal, but is vaping any 'healthier'? My stepdad had COPD, also chronic smoker, he ended up housebound for years, it's a horrible illness. The whole family begged him to stop smoking, but despite hospitalisations/intensive care/tracheotomy he just carried on when he was back home. sad

Ouriana Fri 27-Nov-15 09:56:28

Trying to quit smoking is one of the hardest things to do, it is an addiction amd deapite how desperate he will be to quit his body will be craving the nicotine so badly. He may not have told you because he feels guily, ashamed and aware he is letting you all down.

Tell him you know but try not to rant at him, it will just make him feel stressed so he'll reach for the fags. In order fpr him to quit you need to keep encouraging him, tell him you know you understand its a blip but thays all it is, a stumble on the way to quitting.

I second the suggestion of vaping, it may not be ideal with his health problems but is at least better than fags.

GeorgiaT2468 Fri 27-Nov-15 15:46:24

Thanks for advice you lot bless ya.

I calmed down before talking to him and managed to be quite calm and supportive rather than running my mouth at him. I was upset and he saw that but I did what was suggested and just offered support, said if he chose to we could go to smoking clinic and see what else there is to try.

He has a vape and is going to try and use it more. We actually had a good conversation about it and ended up just cuddling as I told him I understand he's under pressure and it's difficult and that its just a little blip, let's just try again. I assured him I'm not angry just scared and a bit surprised he would contemplate adding to his poor health like that.

He normally gets annoyed but this time looked at me in the eyes and told me he's mad with himself and that he was sorry for me feeling this way. He said he didn't want to tell me just incase it stressed me out and whilst I'm pregnant he wants me to be as relaxed and happy as possible.

He said he was hoping to give up again without me knowing at all and disappointing me.

Iv assured him it's not about me, but that I want him to live!! And I want him to be here for our children. He said he appreciates my approach and feels better knowing I'm supporting him and feels he is stronger to give up with having someone like me who cares so much for him..

The whole thing made me cry but not infront if him as I didn't want him feeling any more guilty. He too has enough on his plate as do I. I kept the tears in til he went to work. I felt like the old us again being able to talk through issues without shouting and me ending up in tears.

I'm so glad I read your advice first. We have an appointment next week at smoking clinic and also suggested some of his personal issues are addressed by a therapist to help him feel less stressed and feel like he's strong enough to cope with things.

He said he would and I told him no rush let's just take baby steps to get there.

At that point he hugged me and told me he loved me.

Thank you guys for your support. I feel a bit bad for being cross but I'm glad we spoke. Iv assured him he does not need to hide things to protect me, I want to know if he wants me to know so we can work through things together.

Feeling better and more positive.

Thank you very much xxxx

Eminado Fri 27-Nov-15 15:54:30

You sound so lovely OP! Your
DH is lucky to have you. Wishing you all the best flowers.

GeorgiaT2468 Fri 27-Nov-15 15:56:39

Thank you very much. thanksthanksthanksthanksstarstarstarstar

Keeptrudging Fri 27-Nov-15 16:00:03

That's great, I'm so glad you managed to talk that way, sounds like you'll be able to support each other through. Feeling a touch hay-fevery now...flowers

GeorgiaT2468 Fri 27-Nov-15 17:16:56

Lol yeah same.

Terrifying to sit there and listen to the GP say he was ill sad not that it was diagnosed but the term was likely COPD. FEAR!!

I hated it and am on egg shells til next week and after that day who knows.

Just felt how selfish but when I look into it more I can see he has so many things contributing to his low mood and worries ect. Big thing I needed to remember is that this is happening to him not me, how can I judge actions when i have no idea how he feels deep down. Although I'm a mess about it I'm sure he feels worse sad

Advice is so appreciated because I could have really damaged the situation more by kicking off.

We will see but at least we connected today rather than causing more issues hey xxxx

Jan45 Fri 27-Nov-15 17:47:56

Not really selfish, a bit stupid yes but he's addicted so it's very hard to just stop - my own mother died from COPD and continuing to smoke will definitely make the disease a hundred times worse so he must stop and use everything there is to help him, continuing is just shortening his life as it will get him in the end.

At least if he stops now his condition shouldn't get any worse.

Jan45 Fri 27-Nov-15 17:48:23

I hope he doesn't smoke around you or in the home.

Joysmum Fri 27-Nov-15 17:51:24

Omg you played it perfectly. He's a very lucky man to have you flowers

GeorgiaT2468 Fri 27-Nov-15 18:00:16

I needed to understand him better.

I have never and never will expose my children or myself pregnant around cigarettes, alcohol ect. People who smoke like friends and family ect smoke outside and they know the rule that they cannot enter my house 15 minutes after the cig.

We have friends and family we never visit including my partners dad who refuses to not smoke in the hose the day we visit and that's my kids grandad. So people we love we don't even go round if they are not willing to stop the cigs.

Their loss, but it's my belief and that's that. People choose their own ways but my way is that I do not subject my children to it.

Xx

GeorgiaT2468 Fri 27-Nov-15 18:00:40

Thank you joys mum xxxx

GeorgiaT2468 Fri 27-Nov-15 18:05:52

Also jan45 im sorry about your mum. sad GP said that because he's still young enough at 34 that he can maintain good and improved health providing he doesn't smoke, put on weight ect so for me I felt if life is giving you a chance here why light up? However I understand the difficulty and will support him.

However if I do catch him with a cig I can't say I won't eventually lose the plot. But I don't want to lose him especially when he has a good shot at preventing bad health in the future and is able to enjoy a quality of life with his family.

But if in future he needs machines to breathe and is still smoking I think it would be understandable for me to lose the plot at that point.

Praying to god it never gets to that point xx

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