Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
tired of it all(114 Posts)
Everything is such a struggle.
He is the type of person who seems instantly opposed to anything I like/want/suggest.
The type of person who acts like they know everything and everyone else in the world is stupid and incapable of doing things right.
Also that the entire world is out to get him.
We have just had a bicker (he's getting up for work and I'm up with DS) about crockery. I wanted to buy some new Denby stuff in Black Friday sales. He says he can only eat off a white plate. And also 'I don't see why we have to buy stuff cos it's Black Friday. That's a stupid mentality and your just going with the masses who must buy it cos it's on sale'
Me: 'no I just want to buy it while it's better then half price'
Him 'buy it but I'll have to keep a white plate for myself cos I can't eat off anything else'
It's everything like that. If I want/like anything he is just opposed to it. Yet everything must be brands as if it's not then its 'cheap shit'.
We have 2 DC and everything I do with them (discipline and teaching wise) is always wrong. He doesn't have alternative methods or suggestions. When asked how I should approach things instead his answer is 'I don't know but your method isn't right'.
I'm tired of being 'wrong' all the time. Of never having anything I like cos he just doesn't like what I like. I'm tired of listening to him complain and be so 'put upon' and so negative all the time. All the time.
I'm tired of hearing about how stupid everyone is. Everyone is stupid. Everyone.
Person that works at call centre for energy firm? Stupid, doesn't know how to do their job.
Mechanic who failed his car mot - stupid. Probably not trained. If they are trained they work there cos they couldn't get a better job.
Staff at this place - stupid. Just showing up for work but not really capable of doing their job.
And on and on and on. Everyone is stupid. Except him.
For the first time recently I thought 'what did he used to think of me when he first met me?' Because I have realised that he must have thought I was stupid as well.
Everything is such a struggle. And I see friends and family who are in relationships and they all seem happy and agreeable and able to accommodate each other.
I was recently visiting my aunt and uncle and I watched them.
They bickered over things but in a casual and respectful manner. She has exquisite (and sometimes expensive) taste and he is a penny pincher. They are redecorating. Aunt was telling me of awful rows over decorations and cost and extensions and stuff like that. But the point is they find a way to accommodate each other. As they always reach a compromise, not just a flat 'no, it's my way or no way'.
I found myself looking at them and thinking 'this will not be me and dh. There's no way'
Did I mention that I dislike plain white plates? I don't know why. But I don't like white plates. I like them to have at least a hint, a suggestion of off white. But he must have brilliant white.
How do you manage a relationship when u can't even agree on morherfucking plates.
I'm so tired. And in all honesty I fantasise about divorce and being a single mum
so I can any fucking colour plates I like as that way I could just get on with life and be happy without having to fight someone all the time and without having to listen to how stupid the whole world is.
I'm a positive person and I cried a few days ago as something that would have usually got me all riled up happened and I just felt like 'meh' and I know that that is due to being worn down and just suppressing myself as a coping mechanism.
I know I need to ltb but it honestly is so complicated. He has debts, In my name. And for the DC it will be awful. He will make it so. Plus just the whole thing seems like it would be such a monumental up hill struggle that I just don't know where to start.
And really, when the lawyers ask 'reason for divorce?' Can I say 'I want coloured fucking plates?'
I feel it bleeding over into my parenting. I'm tough on my 3 yr old and I hate myself for it.
I noticed yesterday that she has picked up a habit that really annoys me and I was tough about it. Cos in many ways he is so rude. And I don't want rude 'the world owes me' children.
I don't like him. There is no physical affection. We haven't had sex in months cos I can't be bothered and don't want to. He is extremely charming when he wants to be. But his temper is something else. He flies off the handle at the slightest thing. Which is the reason I don't mention stuff cos I simply can't be bothered to have to have a fight about it. I don't care enough to gift about anything anymore. It all seems to pointless.
I know that's it's long but is there really no one out there?
hi OP - its sounds pretty awful, if you ask me
why not go and get some legal advice about the debt situation etc.? and get some facts under your belt.
And fucking well buy those plates! and use them EVERY day, while serving his dinner on the white one.
start buying stuff you like.
other will be along soon with more advice, so just bumping this
It sounds dreadful OP, I feel exhausted just reading your posts. I can't honestly think of anything else to say other than ltb. Maybe forget about dinner plates etc. for the time being, and try to channel your energy into making longer term plans.
Staying within this marriage at all (this is no marriage really) is not an option for you or your children going forward. And you can have coloured plates!.
Why are the debts that he ran up in your name; can it be actually said that financial abuse can also be added to this man's tally of emotionally abusing you as well?. Many abusive men can be charm personified to many in the outside world; it is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.
I would seek legal advice re divorce from this individual sooner rather than later, do not leave this for instance until January. I would not remain in this marriage now any longer than is absolutely necessary.
He will more likely than not make the process of separation as long and drawn out as possible as "punishment" for you leaving him. He is going to throw his toys out of the pram big time and will likely be unreasonable throughout and post your divorce from him too. This is no way to live and your children are currently learning a lot of emotionally harmful stuff about relationships.
Womens Aid can and will help you here too; their number is 0808 2000 247.
Type "Lundy Bancroft" into the search box and you'll find many references to your man! Mr Always Right, if I remember the category correctly
That sounds bone shatteringly exhausting.
Buy your plates, keep a white one for him and ignore any moaning.
Make a plan on how to become free of him!
DH and I would just have two sets of plates, but that seems irrelevant to your whole situation. You are unhappy, it's affecting your DC and you need to think about what your options are.
Debts are his but in my name cos when your married what good reason is there for not sharing money? I don't mean that he forced me and I don't think he is financially abusive really. But I trusted him.
I'm scared if I divorce him that it will all be down to me to pay it back. Circa 7k.
It is exhausting and it is wearing me down.
But at the same time I feel my strength coming back. I think he has just pushed against me so much that I've gone through one side and am coming out the other now.
I want to complete my studies and qualify and do better then him.
I cut my hair (which he was quite annoyed by as he said he liked it long but it was pissing me off).
I have started to lose weight which he is supportive and nice about but I'm doing it for me and when he says 'your losing weight you look better' I say 'thanks' but I don't feel that prickly little flurry I used to feel when I cared what he thought.
It just looks like such a huge thing to do. Somehow it seems too big and I'm scared.
I will call though. I e tried to call WA many times but always made excuses not to
I don't have any friends left.
I'm alone. There's my mum and my sister and a handful of mum friends but no real friends.
There are some things you could compromise in like plates but your situation sounds awful.
He sounds horrendous to live with.
I'm all for talking about things and making each other aware of how the other person makes them feel and how awful it is to live like that.
Sometimes the awareness isn't there or that person hasn't been challenged enough to change their behaviour.
If you feel like you can't leave him yet then you need to try to make it more bearable for you.
I've been through stuff like this with dh. He really wasn't aware of how miserable he made me feel at times.
When I did make him fully aware after arguments and long talks he changed.
We now get on amazingly and he compromises a lot.
Of course, some people never change but some do.
Just under 2 years ago we had a monumental row and I said the only way I could carry on was if he went to get anger management help.
Since then he has managed to sign up at a local GP by hasn't managed to make the call for an appointment and I have stopped asking about it as its pretty clear he doesn't give a shit enough about me to actually go. I'm just not very important.
We have kids. If we didn't it would be easy
We went to a 'taster' session of couples therapy and he disagreed with the idea of it and said he would refuse to talk about certain things as he wont 'air our sorry laundry to a stranger' so what was the point in goi g again?
He sounds like such a drainer of joy; he's kind of addicted to misery and his Rightness in direct conflict with your entire being. Have you really reached the end or do you think the situation might be re-booted into something better? You should get some legal advice to see where you stand. You absolutely should get those plates and only ever serve his food on white. Let him be the odd one out since he is so insistent.
In effect this is an abusive relationship, he is at the very least neurotically negative and you're utterly ground down by it all.
If you decided to part you might well have to pay those debts. You seem like a proper team player and took responsibility for shared finances. Sadly you're alone in this "team".
Your life within this marriage now is akin to a slow death by 1000 cuts. Its far easier to get out of this marriage than to stay within it; another 3-5 years for instance of being with him at all will emotionally destroy you completely. The emotional damage here being currently done to your children is incalculable. Its your role amongst many here to show them that your treatment of you by their dad is not acceptable and should never be at all tolerated.
Your DH could not care less that you are miserable. His only concern is to get his own needs met. You are right; you and by turn your children are but of secondary concern to him. Read Dr Joe Carver's online description of "The Loser" as well.
Has he also really managed to isolate you from your friends and other support networks?. This is also a tactic used by abusive controlling men too.
I would certainly seek legal advice re the debt that he has run up. He has certainly used your trusting nature against you as well.
I would also argue that AM course would do him no good whatsoever; such men do not change. Anyway OP have a good look now at his parents, I would think that either one or worse still both of them act in a similar manner.
Also couples counselling should never be done if there is abuse of any type within the relationship. No decent counsellor worth their salt either would ever have seen the two of you together in the first place. If you have counselling you would be better off going there on your own because you certainly need to talk in a calm and stress free environment.
Do not stay within this marriage for your children; they will not thank you for doing that to them.
couples therapy is never recommended when one is abusive
Please get away from this man
OMG - please get away from this fun-sucking abusive arsehole.
Contact Womens Aid and get some advice and recommendations.
He isolated you. Emotionally and financially abused you for years.
Womens Aid can suggest a good solicitor/lawyer in your area who can handle abusive men.
Please get away though - and fast.
Can you go to your mums?
Are the kids at school?
Get all your important documents together and get them somewhere safe.
Passports, marriage certs, birth certs, wage slips, info on pensions, mortgage/house documents, bank statements, anything else you can think of.
Get your exit plan together.
The scales are falling and you are seeing him for what he is.
I'm married to a 'MrRight '. We had a big monumental row over something as daft as plates too ( was decor related - and I felt that should have been a joint choice, not just his ) it's taken months - but he's finally backed down ... My method was just ( for the first time ever ) to stand my ground and simply not take no for an answer . Since then I've been standing up to him when I feel it's important - he's actually gained a bit of respect for me I think ! I think most importantly I've gained my self respect back - and I didn't even realise I'd lost it !!! I'm back to being the fiesty woman he fell for and because of that we are getting on so much better in all areas of our lives.
Only do this is you know it won't put you in danger - ie if he's ever hit you - just don't bother - walk away - but if it's worth fighting for - then pull yourself up - put your empowering red lippy on and serve him dinner on his stupid white plate ( like you would a stroppy toddler ) while you and your little one eat off the grown up plates and show him you are a woman who's not stupid and always does as she's told ! Nb. A bit of power dressing can help build confidence too - it's tricky to look empowered in joggy bottoms ! ( another thing I realised !! ) good luck !!!
The debt - his debt- will be considered a family debt as assets are family assets.
Get rid of the arse - he sounds incredibly unpleasant.
Btw. How does he cope eating anywhere other than home, if the plates are not white?
Do phone Women's Aid this time and get yourself onto the Freedom Programme.
See a solicitor too. I don't think you would be in anything like as bad a position as you think.
You wouldn't be leaving him because of the plates. You would be leaving him because he deliberately undermines you at every opportunity and actively destroys your enjoyment of life. The plate is merely one of a thousand examples.
Let me guess, can he only face forwards on a train? Only drink one brand of hard to find vodka? Only wear blue on Tuesdays?
Seen his type many times before. The solicitor doesn't give a shit what your reason for divorce is, nor does anybody else.
Separate yourself from him right now, in your head. Let him pick and moan all he likes while you breezily ignore and do whatever the hell makes you and your kids happy. His feelings are laughable, so laugh at them.
I was married to someone similar, who wore me down with his constant criticism and belief that he knew better than everybody else how to run their lives.
I left him. My life is so much better now. I don't walk under a dark cloud all the time. And the DCs are happier, too. They get to escape the dark cloud and see that it's not something everybody lives with.
Thank you for your replies. Reading them all makes it harder to keep brushing it aside.
He sent me a message a couple hours ago saying that it doesn't matter whether he likes the plates or not it's about the money. We shouldn't be spending money right now with the debt etc.
And that really pissed me off. Cos last week HE went out and bought himself new socks (this fine he needed new ones) and then a new hoody and several jumpers.
I have sent him a message back saying that he's a hypocrite and being unfair.
I can guarantee that he will later on tell me that I have started a fight. A stupid fight over plates.
I feel like a failure. I feel stupid. I feel tired.
I am furious that I cried in front of my dd this morning (couldn't stop the tear rolling down my cheek) and she said 'did daddy shout at you again'
What have I done allowing her to see that.
Okay you really do need it end it asap, it sounds utterly awful and it is damaging all of you.
TBH I would stop spending money on anything other than essentials. Presumably the debts even though in your name would still be joint marital ones. I had Denby plates, loathed them in the end as were huge in the dishwasher, heavy, and was £££ when one got broken or chipped. Much happier with my ikea replacements
Please get some legal advice about the finances so you can decide your next move.
Speak to your mum and sister tell them how it is and how unhappy you are so they can support you in RL
Join the discussion
Please login first.