Feel guilty, not sure what to do

[DorothyL]

My brother is an arse and a bully who's shown since leaving his wife and three kids the very worst sides of his character. We've had a few spats, last night he was trying to boss me into supplying him with financial information that he could use against my SIL. I dug my heels in and said no - I knew he could get the information elsewhere so I just wanted to wind him up. I totally succeeded, he is fuming and has now also fallen out with my mum over this... I feel
guilty because my mum is now upset, not sure what to do!

[tribpot]

Why do you have to do anything? Your mum has made her own choices and refusing to supply him with financial information to use against your SIL was the right thing to do. I think it's very wrong to say you refused because you wanted to wind him up (I assume that's actually what he said to you). You refused because you don't want to participate in his bullying of his wife and children. Let him do his own dirty work, he sounds despicable.

[timelytess]

Keep calm and carry on? That would seem like the best plan.

[goddessofsmallthings]

You can tell your "arse and bully" of a brother that this isn't about taking sides with your SIL as you're looking out for your dns, his dc, who'll suffer if their dm goes short of money.

If he's been an arse and bully to your SIL it's to be hoped that she'll be able to take him every for penny he's got as hitting him where it hurts most, i.e. in his wallet, might encourage him to have a personality transplant before he victimises another woman..

[DorothyL]

Thank you, I feel better now! It's just so sad that people can be so horrible...

[DorothyL]

He is going to receive a substantial amount of money soon, purely on the basis of my mum's generosity, but he still feed hard done by...

[JoyceDivision]

How does your mum feel about his behaviour?

If it's her money and she's making a gift of it to your brother, in her shoes, I would be tempted to gift some to your brother... and some to your SIL for the care of his children / her grandchildren.

Hope you tip your SILS re his behaviouras he sounds unpleasant!

[tribpot]

It sounds like he and your mother may have a problem if she wants that money to go solely to him whilst he's still in the process of divorcing. If she waits until the financial settlement is done, and deprives her grandchildren of the money - well, shame on her, frankly.

However, one thing this isn't is your problem. Stay well out of it. The fact that he sees himself as a perpetual victim makes me think he's been pandered to in the past, instead of told to pull his socks up and stop being a dick. Now is the time.

[DorothyL]

I agree tribpot but it was him who contacted me to ask for this information - he'd told me before to kee out of it which I did but when he thought I could supply an advantage to him he suddenly wanted me to act...

[tribpot]

Just because he contacted you doesn't negate your own free will. You have demonstrated to him that you will choose not to get involved. Do you generally do what he tells you to?

[DorothyL]

Only to keep the peace for my mum's sake!

[tribpot]

No doubt in the past he's exploiting that appeaser tendency. Fortunately it sounds as if he's asked/ordered you to do something which has pushed the boundary of what you'll do to keep the peace too far. You shouldn't be feeling guilty so much as angry and used. Stand your ground - could you really live with yourself if you'd colluded with him? What your mum does is her choice.

[DorothyL]

Apparently I'm a schemer and a liar and he's cutting all ties with me

[tribpot]

Sounds fine to me. Don't rise to it. He will attempt to manipulate you via your mother, she will implore you to go along with his scheme and then if you're very lucky you can be 'forgiven'. I would start having a look at some of the toxic family threads, Stately Homes etc. This is showing some classic symptoms.