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What's the deal here?

(27 Posts)
TheDetective Thu 26-Nov-15 21:36:26

I met a man 3 months ago, through a group I attend. 5 weeks ago we started talking and meeting up outside the group.
We have both declared we have feelings for the other.
He calls most days, there is certainly communication each day through one means or another. Mostly phone calls - he seems to prefer this to texting etc.
He comes to my house 2/3 evenings a week, and we meet up in the day time 1/2 times a week.
Despite the above, nothing has actually happened between us. He has actively said he is fighting his feelings because he wants to take things slowly. Which is fine. But I think we may have different ideas of slow!
Can I have others opinions on this situation? I'm very wary of men in general after a horrific break up with my soon to be ex husband.

If it helps to add - I'm 31, he's 39. We live near each other. I have 3 children, 13, 3 and 5 months. His son is 3. We have met each other's children and spend time with them together as you would with friends etc on soft play trips, museum trips etc.

springydaffs Thu 26-Nov-15 22:07:34

What do you mean when you say 'nothing has actually happened'?

goddessofsmallthings Thu 26-Nov-15 22:07:18

Why are you trying to move this relationship along?

You're not yet divorced, your youngest is only 5mo, and you've introduced this man very quickly to your dc, albeit as a friend.

It seems to me that after 'a horrific break up' you're best advised to concentrate your energies on your dc and processing the ending of your marriage with all of its ramifications before you embark on a sexual relationship with another man.

Rebound relationships rarely end well. As this man seems to have more sense than you at this time, I suggest you keep him as a friend until you're absolutely certain that the 'feelings' you've declared to him are genuine and not based on some misplaced desire to have a man in your life because you don't like being without one.

Houseofmirth66 Thu 26-Nov-15 23:15:38

Blimey Godess - she met him months ago. It's hardly breakneck. I think if two adults who are unattached and talking about their feelings haven't had any physical contact after 5 weeks of dating then there's an issue.

BerylStreep Thu 26-Nov-15 23:22:05

I think that given your youngest is only 5 months old, and you only met 11 weeks ago, it is entirely appropriate for him to want to take it slowly. The fact that he is round 2/3 times a week and you speak daily is encouraging, but honestly, there is no rush.

Blimey, I was still bf at 7 months, I wouldn't have been fit for any extra curricular activities.

TheDetective Fri 27-Nov-15 00:07:16

No physical contact is what I mean by nothing has happened. So no holding hands/kissing.

It's been a year since my 'marriage' ended. I had devoted the last year to my children, and recovering. (And giving birth!).

I had no intention to meet anyone else. I'm quite happy on my own. I don't need a man in my life. I didn't really want a man in my life.

But then we met, and it was dislike at first sight. I thought he was like many of the other men I've known. But as the weeks went by, I changed my mind, we got chatting, and I realised he was a nice person.
So the friendship developed. Our children had already met thanks to the group we attend. And that's how things progressed.

I'm quite confident that it isn't a rebound - for me at least. I can't speak for him. If I'm honest, for the next few years, I don't want anything too intense. I like the situation as it is now. But perhaps more physical. FWB or girlfriend/boyfriend type relationship would suit me right now, but he isn't saying if that would be right for him.

I'm breastfeeding, which yes, is an issue in that we've already discovered we can't really go on a date. I'm still in the 4 month sleep regression hell. And he won't take a bottle anymore.
Instead I've been to his movie room and put the baby in his spare cot (he has one child but 2 cots!). We've managed one evening out, but that was for my birthday, with 15 of my female friends. Which he came along to as the only male. And was 5 minutes from home. And I only just made it home by the skin of my teeth as he had woken as I was on my way back.

Ideally, I'd have met him in a year or two's time. But I didn't.

I'd like to move things further but I'm not sure why they aren't.

Seeyounearertime Fri 27-Nov-15 00:20:02

It sounds like he know you're dealing with 'stuff' and he's probably dealing with 'stuff' too and wants to take it slow.

I'd send it as positive, possibly. Maybe he's trying to build a solid foundation on which a strong relationship can be built.

Either way, if you want to make it physical, have you initiated? Are you waiting for him? Maybe he's out thee right now on dadsnet (if that exists?) Posting exactly the same thing. smile

TheDetective Fri 27-Nov-15 00:30:35

I hadn't envisaged anything like this.

If I'm honest, my life plan was zero men (other than my 3 boys!). If I met someone then I wouldn't have introduced them to my children for a very long time.

So for things to have happened this way feels quite strange in a way.

I guess you're probably right. He's probably trying to make sure there's a good friendship first before anything else.

I'm not keen to initiate anything as i don't want him to think that's all I'm after. It isn't. It would just be nice to have a more intimate relationship rather than just the friendship where we both fancy each other - which is what we have now!

I could initiate it, sure. I've done so in the past. But I'm not confident in how he feels for me to take the chance.

RedMapleLeaf Fri 27-Nov-15 06:47:29

Is there any physical contact? Would you give him a squeeze when you're happy or pat his hand to reassure him or pretend to straighten his collar?

category12 Fri 27-Nov-15 07:28:46

Honestly I think you should follow his lead and keep the pace very slow. If it all went pear-shaped it would affect the group you're in and that would be a shame. And with such a young baby and other dc, you won't have the opportunity to be just a couple very easily. I dunno, it seems to me it could easily be a very convenient arrangement but not necessarily based on the right things.

TheDetective Fri 27-Nov-15 08:49:52

Not really. Well, he doesn't flinch at touch or anything. He's touched my foot to show me something his physio did. He gives me a 2 second hug before leaving. That's it I think.

The group has 3 more sessions, and then it's finished. So long term it wouldn't affect that. Essentially we could never see each other again after it ends in 3 weeks.
What do you mean by convenient and not based on the right things?

RedMapleLeaf Fri 27-Nov-15 09:51:24

Perhaps it makes sense on paper - both lovely people, both get on etc and logistically it would be very convenient and productive. There's no spark, but neither of you can accept that because it'd be just perfect if there was?

FauxFox Fri 27-Nov-15 10:22:47

If there is no chemistry you are friends. If there is and he just won't make a move he may think you are not ready due to baby etc. If you fancy him and there is chemistry just kiss him fgs grin

Suddenlyseymour Fri 27-Nov-15 10:29:18

Clearly he likesyou and wants to spend a lot of time with you; that's a given. I am inclined to think that he knowsyou have a lot of demands upon you, and you are still breastfeeding, and he is being uber cautious in not wanting you to feel pressured......?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 27-Nov-15 10:29:53

What makes you think this is a romantic relationship? It sounds platonic to me. Like you have a new BFF.

TooSassy Fri 27-Nov-15 10:37:00

So have read everything

Either there is no chemistry
Or you both have really strong willpower.

If I was in this situation and fancied the guy I certainly would have moved in for a kiss to test the waters by now. Nothing worse than meeting someone, falling for them and then discovering they cannot kiss!!!

I don't blame him for taking it slowly. You have a lot on your plate. But I do find it really odd that next to no physical contact has taken place.

wannaBe Fri 27-Nov-15 10:41:47

he is being sensible IMO.

Tbh if someone came on here saying that they had met a man with a five month old people would be telling her to either not get involved or to take things very slowly. The first year or so in a baby's life is so crucial, I can see why someone might want to not come on too heavy at that point, you are breastfeeding, baby focused, regardless of the fact that you and your ex split while you are pregnant you conceived a child only just over a year ago within a marriage where there are already children in the mix.

Friendship is IMO more valuable than any relationship at this point, and the reality is that once you change the dynamic from friendship to anything physical it's very hard to get it back.

He may not want to kiss you at the moment because he may not want to want you sexually right now, in case you feel that is an imposition so soon after having had a baby, for instance.

If you want to kiss him, then kiss him, but you also then need to be prepared to have a discussion about where things are going, not progressing iyswim, but whether you want to take things further.

He may not. he may have feelings for you but the age of your children may be a factor for him. I have to say it would for me if it was a man with a 5 month old, so there's just as much chance that a man wouldn't want to get too involved with a woman with such young children. There's no wrong in that. There's no reason why you can't still be friends and in time things can develop between you.

BasinHaircut Fri 27-Nov-15 10:55:33

I think it's quite interesting in that the way you describe how you want the relationship to go is more 'like friends but more physical' than 'j fancy the pants off him and not being able to rip his clothes off is driving me crazy'.

Ok you might not have the in you as you have a 5mo but it doesn't sound like you 'fancy' him, more that you get on really well and if there was also sex involved it would be perfect in the sense that it's convenient (I.e. Kids already know each other etc)

TheDetective Fri 27-Nov-15 11:20:19

I'll come back and reply this afternoon!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Fri 27-Nov-15 11:30:02

I'd give up if no snog after 5 weeks to be fair

pocketsaviour Fri 27-Nov-15 14:55:16

5 weeks without even holding hands or a peck on the cheek, I'd assume he wasn't interested in a physical relationship.

However it's complicated by the fact you're BFing, I know a lot of guys get really conflicted around that and feel like they shouldn't be fancying someone whose body is pretty much given over to motherhood right now.

He has actively said he is fighting his feelings because he wants to take things slowly.

Maybe you need to ask him if "taking it slow" means "until you've finished BFing"?

TheDetective Fri 27-Nov-15 15:22:08

Sorry I can't reply to everything, but to answer what I can remember.
There's definitely chemistry on both sides.
Basin, I was just trying to keep the tone of what I was saying polite. But yes, it's driving me to distraction as is like nothing more than to throw myself on him. But I won't do that.

Why won't I? That's more difficult to answer. Fear of rejection/losing something I'm enjoying/losing the friendship side of things. I need to think about that really.

I'm quite happy to take it slowly, but this just feels a bit false almost?

He fancies me, I fancy him. We've both admitted to that. So now what. I just wait? Wait for him to give me a sign he wants more? I'm certainly giving him signs that I want more.

But I'm not going to throw myself at him. I'd rather walk away with dignity if he decides he doesn't want anything further.

Sassy, I think we both have very strong will power to be honest. he has told me 'it would be so easy to just jump in bed with you right now, but I'm not going to yet'. I didn't really know what to reply to be honest. He seemed embarrassed by what he'd said.

Need to do some more thinking to be honest.

If anyone wants to read how my previous relationship ended - it's under a different username, but I can link it here.

TheDetective Fri 27-Nov-15 15:26:41

He seems conflicted over the breastfeeding, yes.

I've actually had quite strong discussions over it as he feels embarrassed by me doing it in public. But then he will say how I'm doing the best for my baby etc.

As I say, he seems conflicted with it. His ex partner didn't breastfeed so I suspect it is new to him.

He said that the first time he saw me, he was so embarrassed and didn't know where to look because I just sat there feeding.

I gave him the age old, look at my eyes not my boobs then.

But when I tell him my frustration because the baby won't take a bottle for me to have an evening away, he waxes lyrical about how fantastic it is I'm breastfeeding.


RedMapleLeaf Fri 27-Nov-15 16:09:47

It sounds like a bit of a headfuck to be honest.

No wonder you want to thrash it out on here.

TheDetective Fri 27-Nov-15 16:37:27

That's what happened to my marriage.

Maybe it might explain more? I'm definitely healed as far as he is concerned. I'm long gone from the emotions of that relationship.

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