I miscarried at 11 weeks at the end of August. I've accepted it as much as is.possible and although it has been heartbreaking and I still cry about it occasionally, I need to move on.
We got married three weeks ago and I thought this would be the new beginning and was looking forward to the future.
DH however, has other thoughts. He will hardly come near me sexually and mentions every so often that he doesn't want to have a baby until we've sorted our finances/the house/his van/my car.... Anything really.
I mentioned going on the pill yesterday. He said no he knows I'm not keen on taking anything hormonal. I mentioned abstaining during fertile periods of my cycle. He said no. I mentioned taking it a little more seriously and actually ttc and he said no.
I'm so confused. He's against contraceptives but against me getting pregnant. But then when I mention delaying ttc he also objects.
I don't know where to turn or what to think. He's not a bad bloke this is my disclaimer, he's kind, sensitive, caring, etc. Emotional issues that he's going through he keeps to himself though. I'm just so confused and can't work out where his head is at.
Does anyone have any insight?
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Relationships
Disagreement after miscarriage
chelle792 · 26/11/2015 14:40
Yes there's some fantastic advice to be had over on relationships.
for you 
I'm so sorry for your loss 
I am in a similar situation, after our miscarriage my DP is against trying again, he has become very distant and thinks we should just focus on the DS (now 4) we have..
It has caused a massive strain on our relationship so I have just tried to relax a bit and keep myself occupied with other things until he hopefully comes around to the idea.
I think if he is against you preventing another pregnancy I would take that as he does want to try again but perhaps doing for 'officially' is just a bit scary for him. I would carry on as you are and if he still agrees to still dtd unprotected during fertile times he would understand what could be the consequences of this.
We lost 3 babies before we had DD and it definitely affected DH, more than I realised at the time. I don't think he felt entitled to his own grief, he did the 'manly' thing and focused on looking after me. I did try to get him to tell me how he felt but he didn't want to 'add to my pain' by talking about how it had affected him so it all got bottled up. The second miscarriage started after we had sex and it did put a sort of bad association in his mind for a while, he also became less sure about trying again after each loss. I think a lot of men struggle with how to deal with miscarriage, they often feel it's worse for the woman as its her who has physically gone through it and that their role is to support us so their feelings get pushed to one side. You certainly need to sit him down and talk to him, whether he will talk back is another question but I would want to let him know that he can talk to you without feeling he will be raking over things that will upset you. I would reassure him that the fact that the bleeding started after sex doesn't mean it caused the miscarriage, I did lots of trawling the internet about causes after my first and was surprised how little factual information DH knew about miscarriage when we did eventually talk about it so you may well be able to dispel some of his fears by giving him some facts. You need to make a decision together about what you're going to do about trying again, if one or both of you feels a break would be best you need to put some reliable contraception in place so you can get your sex life and intimacy back on track without worrying about pregnancy and if you both feel you want to try again straight away you need to talk about how you will deal with it together if the worst happens again. What you mustn't do is sweep things under the carpet and keep avoiding the subject and leaving things up in the air which it does sound a bit like you're doing at the moment. You don't really know how the other is feeling or what you both want going forward, that's no good for either of you and could lead to you drifting further apart if you don't put it right. Miscarriage is difficult, it's one of those things people don't talk about very much so it's really hard to know how you 'should' be dealing with it. There are no rights and wrongs but it's important you and DH find a way through it together instead of both of you feeling isolated in your own feelings. Sorry for your loss chelle, feel free to PM me if you feel it would help
Think the important thing is for you both to feel it's something that happened to you both as a couple so you need to get through the aftermath as a couple instead of retreating into your own private pain. I felt like he didn't care and I was the only one suffering and he thought he was protecting me by not showing me how devastated he was and how scared he felt about the prospect of trying again. Once he realised I wanted to hear how upset he was, that I needed to hear that he was grieving for what we'd lost too it pulled us back together and it was easier and less lonely for both of us. Hope it goes ok, I'll be around if you need someone neutral to talk to
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I'm so glad to hear you've been able to talk to him chelle.
Enjoy these few months of being newlyweds and I wish you all the best when you are both ready to try again
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