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DP is fat. How can I support her to loose weight?

(56 Posts)
mum2mum99 Thu 26-Nov-15 14:05:55

Dp has tripled in size since I met her.
I have done my best to introduce healthy eating but she has got Nutella and other things at work.
I don't know how to breach the subject with her. I don't want to say 'you are fat', nobody wants to hear that and I am sure it would be counter-productive. I don't fancy her at the moment and I have been postponing or avoiding sex.

SewingAndCakes Thu 26-Nov-15 14:07:20

How much are you supporting her and understanding the reasons why she makes poor food choices? Is she depressed or stressed? That'd be my first concern rather than her being "fat".

60sname Thu 26-Nov-15 14:09:55

Maybe try to initiate a discussion on healthy eating? It's a tough one. It's not like she won't have noticed though.

But you will get flamed here as a lot of people on MN believe physical attraction is/should be completely unconditional (especially if they assume you are male).

mum2mum99 Thu 26-Nov-15 14:10:26

She was in an abusive relationship before and she used to compensate with food.

mum2mum99 Thu 26-Nov-15 14:11:08

I am female

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief Thu 26-Nov-15 14:13:11

Firstly, she's a person not just a size. Do you love her still? What do you love about her?
Secondly - tripled? Hopefully you're exaggerating but there must be a reason why she's put on so much weight. Is it since childbirth? Depression? Medication?

The best way to support her is to help her deal with what's causing her to take solace in food or make bad choices if those are her reasons.

Maybe get out and about with her more and get more active and focus on health.

SewingAndCakes Thu 26-Nov-15 14:13:43

Has she had any help for that?

I eat for comfort too, and rationally I know how to eat healthily but it's driven by depression in my case and I've not figured out what to do to stop it.

TokenGinger Thu 26-Nov-15 14:18:18

I'd broach it gently with her. From experience, my friends who have been overweight have said to me once they have lost weight that they can't believe their partners hadn't let them know how much they'd let themselves go.

Use it as a positive to spend time together. Sign up to a gym. My DP tells me my body is beautiful but has lots more potential, as does his. We go to the gym and train together and it's great!

Lopistikke Thu 26-Nov-15 14:34:49

Broach it as 'you seem really unhappy and I want to support you.'
Deal with the underlying issues
Reiterate that your love is unconditional.

PerspicaciaTick Thu 26-Nov-15 14:36:39

Assuming that she is an intelligent person, then she probably already knows what "healthy eating" looks like and knows what she "should" be doing. So the bit you can support her with is boosting her self-esteem and confidence so that she doesn't need to rely on food to feel better.

DeoGratias Thu 26-Nov-15 14:38:17

So if 3 times the size persumable gone from something like 8 stone 24 stone. That is dangerous for her. She probably doesn't like to be this size. Is it something you could work on together?

Perhaps start with ensuring there are only natural whole foods at home and no junk or processed foods and both take up jogging?

DinosaursRoar Thu 26-Nov-15 14:43:38

This is very hard. I agree that if she's comfort eating, approach wanting to deal with her need to comfort eat would be the best option.

ShebaShimmyShake Thu 26-Nov-15 14:57:17

She is unhappy. Nobody triples in size and overeats and abuses their body because they are happy and balanced.

She will know that she's gained weight and chances are she realises you're avoiding sex. She might be avoiding it too out of self consciousness.

You really can't broach the subject of the weight without being hurtful or patronising. She knows. All that will do is make her even unhappier and prompt her to continue overeating and not taking care of herself or her body.

What you can do is broach the subject of her unhappiness, what is making her unhappy, and what you can do to support her in that. That's the real problem. The weight is the symptom, not the cause, though it'll have the effect of tying her into a vicious circle, since being overweight will make her unhappy too.

If she mentions herself, unprompted, that she's unhappy about her weight, that's when you can start to show your support for healthy eating and exercising too. Don't expect her to change her lifestyle without changing yours too. You'll need to be with her in cooking healthy meals, finding alternatives to snacking, exercising together (if she likes that - personally I like to exercise alone but many people benefit from company and support, especially if they're new to it). Be prepared to make changes with her.

Good luck.

Janeymoo50 Thu 26-Nov-15 14:59:22

I'm overweight (by about 3/4 stone if according to research I should be about 9 stone for my height of 5ft 4) and my GF is aware that I'm really quite unhappy with my size - is your girlfriend unhappy with her weight? My Girlfriend is also overweight but not by as much as me (she's 5 ft 7 and weighs about 11 and a half stone or less).

It's a tricky one, you obviously care about her and that's brilliant - who does the shopping, the main cooking etc? Are you overweight (and I really don't mean that to sound cruel or intrusive honestly)?

I think the way forward is to work together on it, slowly and surely - maybe discuss meals more, exercise together more, do a meal plan etc. Can you start something together that might mean more exercise for her (Salsa class etc), or do what we've just done, buy second hand bikes.

MrsMolesworth Thu 26-Nov-15 15:03:29

Deo - I assumed tripled meant gone up three more sizes, say from a 12 to an 18.

OP, I'm not sure whether this is the best idea, but I would ask her to join you in a fitness goal. Say you want to do a triathlon or similar and would love to do it with her, as there's a lot of training and you don't want it to take you away form her for hours every week. You could say it might be a good way to get close and you've always been a bit envious of or admired couples who have a shared sport to enjoy.

Do you think she'd agree to that? The reason I suggest it is because fitness can boost endorphins in the same way that sugar/chocolate can so she may quite quickly find she gets the comfort she seeks form exercise instead.

I get that you can't make yourself fancy someone who is not your physical type any more, but do you still love her? Is it possible the pair of you have fallen out of love and her way of rejecting you without cruelty is to make herself less desirable so the issue of sex doesn't arise?

MrsMolesworth Thu 26-Nov-15 15:04:09

from not form!

4China Thu 26-Nov-15 15:08:20

Could you lose a few pounds? Perhaps go to Slimming World together.

RatherBeRiding Thu 26-Nov-15 15:10:02

Does she want to lose weight? If she has increased in size that much then of course she will be aware but there must be a fairly unhealthy relationship with food for it to happen. You said that she used to comfort eat.

You really need to find out why she is over-eating first, and second address whether or not she is up for tackling that. If you tackle the cause, rather than the symptoms, then I reckon that's the best support and the weight should be viewed as a symptom of whatever is causing the over-eating in the first place.

It can be very easy to get into a downward spiral with food - over-eating for whatever reason as compensation for some other area of life, then feeling down because the weight is piling on, your clothes don't fit, you don't feel as attractive, you can't physically do as much, get out of breath quicker etc etc, and then you continue to comfort eat because you feel down because your weight is going up! And so on.

Break the cycle, tackle the cause and try not to view this purely as a weight issue.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 26-Nov-15 15:13:38

Honestly, I doubt very much there's any way you can approach this with her that won't cause her either embarrassment or hurt. She's aware of her size, trust me, and either she's comfortable with it (in which case you'll have to accept it as who she is) or she hates herself for it (in which case she doesn't want/need to hear about it).

I think the best thing to do is for you to eat healthy and not eat or have crap around her, but don't make a big deal about it. Try to suggest activities that involve 'hidden' physical activity, start off slow with maybe walking somewhere close by that you usually drive or bus to.

As with alcoholics, overeaters must reach the decision to stop overeating on their own. It's an addiction to food. You can't nag, threaten, or cajole them into it. And yes, I speak from experience.

Junosmum Thu 26-Nov-15 15:20:17

My husband did this (I gained the weight).

He said that though he loved me he was struggling to find me attractive sexually though still thought I was beautiful.

I was hurt and upset but deep down knew it was true - I had been over eating, for no other reason than greed and I wasn't taking care of myself. If it had been the other way around I wouldn't have found him as attractive either, though still love him.

He supported me to lose the weight, through healthy eating and exercise. I'm now 7 months pregnant and my body has changed, I've gained weight. I feel really unsexy. But OH is being great, he tells me it's natural to gain weight, that I still look beautiful and he fancies me, so it's not that he expects me to remain slim/ as I was when we met.

I was grateful to him for being honest.

VestalVirgin Thu 26-Nov-15 15:22:30

Do you know about her health history? Does she have a family history of type II diabetes?

In my experience, people with lowered insulin sensitivity (that's what causes type II) respond well to a low-carb high fat, some protein diet.

That won't keep her from eating nutella at work, though ...

Support her emotionally, without mentioning her weight. If she leaves for work happy, then she isn't as likely to overeat there.

If you still love her, just don't want to have sex with her ... do you still cuddle? Sex is not a need, but being touched is, to some extent.

lexlees Thu 26-Nov-15 15:25:11

What kind of relationship do you have that you can't just say "honey you are fat - you better do something about it for your own health's sake"? Don't overthink it.

It is not being mean if you say it in a loving way. Anything else is a relationship not based on truth and what is the point of a relationship where the truth is not told?

It is normal to not 'fancy' your spouse after so many years, it should not prevent you from enjoying bedroom relations and making an effort in that department anyway. Wanting to pleasure someone when you don't really feel like it is all part of being a couple.

Now tripling in size - I am sure that is an exaggeration. If she really tripled - then surely she knows it and she needs a kick up the backside to work at things to lose weight. Who else is going to give it to her? You could always just book a health check up for both of you and let them give her the news.

unicornspooprainbows Thu 26-Nov-15 15:46:52

How about join a gym together? Tell her you think it would be good way to spend more time together (which is true) and you feel like you are both not active enough. Lots of gyms now offer free personal assessment on joining, and will put a weight loss/fitness plan together for her and you. It would be beneficial couple time together too and you avoid the awkwardness because you haven't told her she's overweight.....the PT did!

unicornspooprainbows Thu 26-Nov-15 15:49:05

Mrsmole has said similar to me, think its a great idea!

lorelei9 Thu 26-Nov-15 16:05:18

I guess I'm in a minority here - I think she's an adult and you saying anything won't help. Also, using underhand tricks to get her to move more may also result in her eating more.

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