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sex, is it me? (maybe triggering) long

(143 Posts)
Brokenwardrobe Thu 26-Nov-15 13:08:49

Background: DP and I been together nearly 10 yrs, 4dc. When I was preg with dc1 there was an incident of rough sex, which I didn't enjoy and it affected my trust for dp for years. We had therapy together after dc1 was born for this and other reasons.

Dc1 contracted neonatal hsv during birth which nearly killed him. I was told by the doctors at the time that it was almost certainly my first infection for a number of reasons I won't go into. We had had sex just before birth to try to naturally induce. Dp would not accept that I had almost certainly caught it from him, and accused me of cheating during preg, questioning whether Ds was his.

Dp has bipolar, and suffers paranoia with it, he was not well during preg and had a total breakdown when Ds released from hospital, did not leave bed for 3 months.

He got better, started taking meds and things got better between us. I don't think I've really got over those things however and since ds1 have not been too keen on sex. Over the years we have had regular sex, but I hardly ever initiate, and fairly regularly do it just to please. He always wants different positions, some of which I find uncomfortable or painful, and often wants to use toys, but I'm reluctant so we rarely do. Not that I never enjoy sex, just it's not top of my priority list between all the kids, housework etc. I probably neglect our relationship.

Recently I brought up the rough sex incident, asking him if he remembered what happened exactly as I just remember the feelings it left me with really. He reacted badly saying I've been punishing him for years for it, if I didn't even remember what happened I was (paraphrasing, not his words) making a mountain out of a molehill to punish him.

He has been depressed but still taking meds for last month or so. A week or so ago, he asked me to bring toys down after kids in bed. Apologise for TMI, but he was performing oral sex in 69 position, so I could not see anything down there, and then put a vibrator in. It felt uncomfortable going in more than a little way and I told him. He didn't push it. Then he took it out and we started having full sex. It felt a bit uncomfortable and he went to adjust something down below, and I realised that there was a little bullet vibrator inside me, as well as him. I freaked out and screamed 'get it out'. It felt to me like he carried in regardless for a minute or so while I repeated to get it out, but he did come out and took it out. I was angry because I hadn't known it was there, and he's never done that before so it's not something he knew I'd like. He said he thought I knew because I'd seen him changing the batteries beforehand, and how could I not have felt it going in. I really didn't.

I accept that he wasn't trying to hurt me, but whenever I try to discuss it he says I must have known, and not to make a fuss and punish him with this for years to come.

I really need some perspective on what happened, and am too ashamed to talk to anyone IRL.

He is very depressed now and physically ill with a stomach bug. The other day he asked me to take his temperature with an ear thermometer. I did and he complained I hadn't put it properly in his ear. I did it again and pushed it in too far and hurt him (by accident) and he lashed out punching my arm once and my leg once. Then he hit my knee with the remote control twice. He said I'd hurt him on purpose. My son was in the room at the time. Afterwards when I've mentioned it he says that I've hit him before and I had deliberately hurt him with the thermometer (it was not deliberate). I have hit him back in the early days of the relationship, which was wrong and I feel totally ashamed of it. I don't now and haven't for many years.

He says the sexual thing is my problem linked to issues from childhood (not sure what - no abuse). I realise that I have a lower sex drive than him. I just don't know what to think. Is it me?

Dollius01 Thu 26-Nov-15 13:17:22

He sounds horrible. Having bipolar and depression does not give you carte blanche to commandeer your partner's body, whether it's sexually or otherwise violently.

What he did with the vibrator was horrid and violating and I am not surprised you feel the way you do.

He does not seem to respect your boundaries or bodily autonomy. YANBU

2andout Thu 26-Nov-15 13:27:59

No it's not you, it's him. He sounds vile and abusive, sorry OP. What do you actually get out of this relationship? On the basis of what you say, it sounds like you'd be happier with him out of your life.

misscph1973 Thu 26-Nov-15 13:28:40

Oh, poor you, it sounds very complicated. It sounds like you are being very understanding with your DPs bipolar, but there is only so much one person can take. You say that you have been in therapy together before, did it resolve anything? Is your DP in therapy now on his own of any sort?

Re the sex thing, I find it hard to understand why he didn't initially ask if you wanted a vibrator as well as his penis inside you? You know, consenting adults etc.? Is there an element of him knowing you will say no and hence he doesn't ask, but instead tries to sneak things into sex? Whether you felt it going in or not is irrelevant!

Re the thermometer and you hurting him - I think there could be an element of him projecting/mirroring, ie. he was a bit rough during sex, and he is projecting his guilt on to you by saying that you hurt him. Possibly a part of you is unconsciously pushing the thermometer in too hard, like he tries to put things into you during sex? Or maybe he would like you to think so? The situation sounds like it's arranged to achieve something - as an adult you know you if have a fever, there is reallly no reason to get some one to take your temperature.

Would it be possible for the two of you try therapy again so that you have a space where you can sort out what happened/happens in your relationship? It sounds like you have very different versions of what went on/goes on.

staffiegirl Thu 26-Nov-15 13:31:29

It's not you. Absolutely not. It's him. He's physically abusive, sexually abusive and emotionally abusive. Bipolar is not a free pass to abuse a partner in ANY way.

I would urge you to end this relationship for your own safety and for the future well being of your DC. Contacting Women's Aid would be a good starting point for you

Brokenwardrobe Thu 26-Nov-15 13:36:01

I don't think I would be happier out of the relationship, but I'm wondering whether I can/should carry on. Aside from anything else you can't have a healthy relationship with someone when your sex drives differ wildly can you?

misscph1973 Thu 26-Nov-15 13:42:38

Does you DP think the difference in sex drive is a problem? I get the feeling that you feel guilty for not wanting sex as often as he does?

I think you are definitely at a point in your relationship where you need to reevaulate. Is this something you can talk to your DP about? Have you ever had periods apart? How is your family life?

Brokenwardrobe Thu 26-Nov-15 13:43:09

The hitting thing was a one off. But it shocked me, especially in front of Ds

Brokenwardrobe Thu 26-Nov-15 13:47:09

He does think it's a problem. Apparently it contributes to his depression. I did go and stay with a friend once for 3 months. It didn't help.

staffiegirl Thu 26-Nov-15 13:47:32

Without him you wouldn't be subjected to sexual abuse nor would you have the fear of someone lashing out and physically assaulting you as has happened previously. Why don't you think you'd be happier without that OP?

Your differing sex drives are nothing in comparison to the other issues you've mentioned.

CheekyMaleekey Thu 26-Nov-15 13:50:15

You've had four children within your ten year relationship with this man?!

Brokenwardrobe Thu 26-Nov-15 13:50:26

Family life, it differs depending if he's ok or depressed. I find his depressions incredibly hard to deal with tbh. Then I have to do everything, and it's like being a single mother to 5 children. Although he spends all his time in the living room and the kids go in there with him while I'm cooking so that's a help.

Brokenwardrobe Thu 26-Nov-15 13:51:12

Yes, we have a set of twins

Brokenwardrobe Thu 26-Nov-15 13:54:41

When He's not being nice I think I'd be happier, but when I wake in the night I feel shit scared at the prospect, and I realise that it would be very hard to bring up 4 kids alone. I also worry about what it would do to them. He had said that if we split he'd not see the kids, and I don't know if he's serious but I do know that with the nature of his illness there's certainly be periods where he'd be unable to see them, when he's depressed. I also worry that he'd kill himself.

Brokenwardrobe Thu 26-Nov-15 13:56:14

Dps not having, nor has he had, any therapy. I think it would help.

WoodHeaven Thu 26-Nov-15 13:57:01

Sorry but he isn't a nice pperson.
He knows you aren't keen on toys but keep asking to use them, up to the point that he is using them wo your consent. The 'surely you knew it was there' isn't giving consent!
He is clearly looking at your relationship with the view that you are here to get at him and to make his life miserable. It's looks like he is projecting onto you how he actually is (ie he hit you on purpose but that's OK because you must have hurt him on purpose with the thermometer because of what has happened recently).

I also noticed how everything about him is your fault. He is depressed because you don't want sex as much as him, he is hitting you because you hurt him first etc etc. Is there anything that isn't your fault? Is he actually trying to make things better for himself too? (Not just medication btw)

WoodHeaven Thu 26-Nov-15 13:59:30

You are worried about being on your own with 4 dcs, but will it be different than being with your DP, who you agree can be just like a 5th child anyway?

What about the effects on the dcs that his behaviour has? Do you think it's less negative than being apart and have a more stable home life wo a father?

Brokenwardrobe Thu 26-Nov-15 14:00:10

I do feel guilty about my low sex drive. I feel like I'm lazy, because I don't prioritise it. Is it normal to keep on wanting sex with your partner? I know my parents still do it. Am I abnormal because I don't really feel like it. I'd like to spend time cuddling in the sofa, watching tv or chatting without it having to lead to sex. To Dp, being close means having sex and nothing else is good enough. At least that's how it feels to me, I know I'm being one sided of course.

Jan45 Thu 26-Nov-15 14:02:00

He is sexually and physically abusing you, the only answer is to get away from him, there's no healthy equal relationship here, it's on his terms and he sounds absolutely vile, up to you to allow it to carry on or actually make a stand for yourself and don't make his life and his crap more important than yours, staying out of fear is never a good option.

staffiegirl Thu 26-Nov-15 14:03:38

If he chooses to kill himself, that's his choice and no amount of worrying on your part will change that.

A more pressing worry would be the impact his behaviour is going to have on your children long term. Children learn from their parents and from what you've posted so far, your DP does not sound like a good role model.

I have no doubt that being a single parent to 4 children would be hard, but at the moment you're more or less a single parent to 5 children.

OP, you sound very ground down, resigned to being treated poorly by your DP. That's not a good frame of mind. Do you have a good support network? Have you spoken with anyone about how your partner is towards you?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 26-Nov-15 14:04:03

He's sexually abusive. The reason you don't want sex with him much is likely because he has violated your boundaries before on more than one occasion and you don't feel safe with him.
He's also emotionally abusive - blaming you for his illness because you don't want sex with him, and accusing you of cheating during pregnancy.
He's also physically abusive - hitting you several times because he thought you hurt him is abusive. Doing it in front of your child is abusive towards your child.
His mental health issues also severely limit his ability to be a good parent.
Basically, you need to get yourself and your child far away from him. He will destroy your mental wellbeing and your child's childhood if you don't.

MommysNotTalkingToday Thu 26-Nov-15 14:08:29

It's not you, it's him. His illness does not give him the right to violate and assault you. Please contact women's aid. flowers

whatdoIget Thu 26-Nov-15 14:11:20

You're bound to not want to have sex with someone who sexually assaults you. Your sex drive might be higher if you had a partner who respected you and cared about your pleasure. He sounds really really unpleasant in so many ways.
It's not you, it's him

BuffytheScaryFeministBOO Thu 26-Nov-15 14:11:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

staffiegirl Thu 26-Nov-15 14:11:27

I do feel guilty about my low sex drive. I feel like I'm lazy, because I don't prioritise it. Is it normal to keep on wanting sex with your partner? I know my parents still do it. Am I abnormal because I don't really feel like it. I'd like to spend time cuddling in the sofa, watching tv or chatting without it having to lead to sex. To Dp, being close means having sex and nothing else is good enough. At least that's how it feels to me, I know I'm being one sided of course

OP, it's little wonder you have a low sex drive or my guess would be you just don't fancy having sex with an abuser. No one wants to be sexually abused or pressured into having sex when they're not up for it.

You're not lazy or abnormal, but you are behaving in 'doormat mode' and the longer you put up with him, the harder it'll be to make changes to benefit you and your DC.

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