Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Who should pay?(83 Posts)
Hi, not looking for flaming/judgement/LTB etc but some impartial views as I'm pregnant and hormonal!
DH moved out in April after I told him to. However we've managed to work through our problems and he is due to move back in imminently. I can't wait - the kids and I don't see much of him as he works away a lot and has been living with his parents.
Anyway when he moves back in I will obviously lose income support/housing benefit etc. By default I just expected him to start paying the rent, council tax and bills as soon as he moves back in, as he works and I don't.
However he has said that he's skint and will struggle to pay for a couple of months. I was really annoyed, and still am, but I'm wondering whether we should just go halves for a month or two?
He will be getting more income than me but I have managed to save a bit over the summer (had awful morning sickness and didn't leave the house).
I've decorated the house to my taste while he's been gone and he's never said anything about it - in other words the house has been completely mine so it would make sense to put money towards it?
I suppose I'm just pissed off that he's had this disposable income since April yet I will have to "help out" with the rent if he struggles. Is it fair?
While he has been away he has been paying regular maintenance and also paid for a housekeeper when my sickness was bad so he hasn't just kept all his money to himself. Most of it has gone on food/drink as he works away so much.
I would suggest he doesn't move back in until he is prepared to pay towards his home and family. Also I would make sure you are still receiving any tax credits etc you're entitled to when he moved back in.
Surely you'd just revert back to how you managed finances before he moved out?
He says he will pay but I'm worried he'll struggle and be too scared to tell me...
Also I want him here before our baby is born! if he's here a lot I don't want to be constantly worried that we're doing something wrong.
I would also tell him he can move in, only when he can cover my losses.
Until then he just visits and he has to go back to his parents to sleep.
Why should you lose out because he's moving in?
That makes no sense at all.
Just wait until he can actually afford to pay his way properly.
Keep your savings and keep adding to them.
You never know when you might need them in the future.
Do NOT subsidise him. It will just continue.
Well it sounds like he is going to be paying towards bounce - OP wants him to pay everything and he can only afford half. If you can contribute OP why on earth wouldn't you?
Alice - that's EXACTLY what I said. In fact he is earning more now. I don't understand it. I know he took a loan out when he thought we weren't getting back together so is now paying that back. And he keeps saying Christmas and our wedding anniversary will set him back. Also he's just had two weeks on sick pay so is down a bit.
Hells - trust me I don't want to lose income support etc but family security is priceless. Anyway if I'd posted saying "should DH and i carry on living separately so I can save some money?" I'd get destroyed!!
I don't know if he can afford half, or more. He's just worried about over night having hundreds to pay out, which I do understand..
Surely having to pay towards the house hasn't come as a big surprise, what did he think would happen?
Also wondering though why you're expecting him to pay everything?
Surely if you're going to be living as a family again then you need to pool your money and prioritise spending from that? If either of you is unwilling to do that then maybe it's too soon for him to be moving back in. And if money is tight then surely things like wedding anniversary spending can be minimised for this year.
God knows Kinky, he is a bit rubbish at looking too far into the future luckily he has a lot of fantastic qualities!
He certainly wouldn't be paying for everything - when we lived together before I paid for food, everything for the DC, petrol, phone bill, water bill, and I've just paid for our caravan holiday next year as I got an unexpected back payment. I will not be askin him to contribute towards that if he can't
Cel - yeh we do need to have a joint account really. We just never have. My parents never did so it's not the done thing for me. Don't think DH has an issue with it though.
NO! For gods sake don't get a joint account! He's shit with money.
DH and I have been together for over 20 years and I'd never want a joint account, especially given all the stories on here where people get screwed over.
It's all about equality. All we do is calculate the household income, deduct household expenses plus a bit for luck and any remainder gets divided and goes to our personal accounts to spend as we see fit with no need to justify, ask or explain private spending decisions.
We each have our own savings accounts and can choose to save as little or as much as we like.
Yeh I don't really like the idea of them, my money is mine
Never understood why so many people on here push that a joint account is the way forwards. Too many instances of their partner stripping the account, whether planned or simply because they are shit with money. I like controlling my own money and not needing to talk about money at all other than to review income and bills and so shuts how much goes to our current accounts. We don't have any arguments about money because it's simple, predictable and fair.
Yes I do wonder if we'd argue about every little transaction in a joint account...
All we do is calculate the household income, deduct household expenses plus a bit for luck and any remainder gets divided and goes to our personal accounts
But surely what you're describing is a joint account, Joysmum? One for household expenses, as well as having your own personal accounts.
Are the children all his? If so, and he is working but you aren't, of course he needs to pay for everything, particularly as your (family) benefits will be reduced immediately he moves back in. Please don't let him make you think that the benefits are your personal income - they are a safeguard to stop children starving when there is no other income coming into the household.
I understand that Christmas costs money, though the regular bills must take precedence and you should only spend on Christmas what is left over once essentials have been paid for. Your anniversary need not cost anything. Anyone who claims that they can't pay the bills because their anniversary will cost money is a twit or is trying to guilt trip you into letting them off their financial obligations.
If he works away a lot, you still won't see much of him once he moves back in. Perhaps it would be better if he stayed at his parents until he is more solvent - which based on his performance to date will be never.
It takes some nerve to move back into the house of one's pregnant and non-working spouse and expect them to be subsidising you instead of the reverse.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
The first child isn't his, although we've been together since he was 1 and for all intents and purposes he is "his".
He will still be working away a lot which is one of the reasons we've left it until now. Aahhh I don't know what to do! Just think it'd probably be better to know he lives here, even though "my" money will decrease. It's pretty shitty knowing he has to go back to his mum's house instead of mine when he works late or whatever.
Don't know why he thinks Christmas will be so expensive. I've bought everything for the kids.
This all sounds very confusing, he's only been gone seven months! It sounds like while he's been at his Mum's his disposable income increased and he's apprehensive at that changing.
I don't know why you asked him to leave but the issues surrounding the family finances are indicative of poor communication and isn't a great sign for a recently separated couple getting back together. Have the issues surrounding his departure really been resolved or are you just desperate for the family to be reunited before the new addition?
Before he moves back in, why don't you both sit down and work out a budget and while you at it allocate funds for seeing a counsellor to properly address your issues.
Definitely not desperate for us to be reunited - although I admit of course pregnancy hormones naturally make me feel more reliant on him. I can only hope our problems are resolved! I've had a bit of counselling. He wouldn't do it. Even if he wanted to he's not around enough and his work is too unpredictable. He walked around with a broken foot recently because he couldn't get to the doctors. Don't ask!
He's always been crap at communication, with everyone. I'm brilliant at it he has got much, much better tbh
Join the discussion
Please login first.