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Am I expecting to much?

(23 Posts)
ferryandeno Thu 26-Nov-15 12:34:30

Ok so I own the house we live in, we have a 5 month old and dad works part time so pays enough to help with bills (about a quarter of what I pay). Our relationship has been pretty turbulent with his dad nearly moving out when our little one was about a month old. We've been trying to work things out and most of the time its pretty good until I complain.

Its fair enough that I pay more as its my house and when I go back to work I will earn more, but we will share childcare as my salary won't stretch to nursery. The house needs some work doing to it before little one gets to crawling and at the moment I'm trying to do this during nap times or in the evening. Things like sorting floors and fitting a new toilet and painting/decorating.

He's said because it's my house he feels used if he helps with anything, this stretches to hoovering and cleaning as well. So he's basically refusing to help with any DIY and tbh mostly goes to works, goes out a lot and generally has a pretty easy life (he has looked after babba for the odd full day so I can sort the house out). Whilst I look after wee one, do the house up and try and keep in touch with friends so I don't isolate myself. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to help me with the DIY and do more round the house?

Seeyounearertime Thu 26-Nov-15 12:38:36

Seems easy enough.

You contribute 3/4 financially so either that evens to 50/50 or he makes up the shortfall in DIY, housework.
Childcare doesn't count because the child is 50/50 his so he should be doing 50/50 of the work.

Personally, I don't work, my GF does. It's my job to look after our LO, house, DIY, shopping etc. If my GF felt the need to donstuff at home I'd feel like I've failed. I contribute my time and effort in equal amounts to her but she gets a wage, iyswim?

So no, yanbu at all. Sounds like he's a child and needs a wake up call to me.

AnyFucker Thu 26-Nov-15 12:43:43

I think he has it made, tbh

Lozza1990 Thu 26-Nov-15 12:52:01

Why is it 'your' house? He's living there so it is both of your guys house. If he wants to get a full time job and leave you with 90% of everything else then he can do that, but working part time means he needs to help out.

You can't have a relationship where everything is yours/his. If you're together then you do things together, not sure what he's still doing there to be honest.

Belle0906 Thu 26-Nov-15 13:07:24

My partner lives with me in 'my' house but it is 'our' home.

We split all the household bills 50/50.

I do undertake the majority of the housework as I'm a bit OCD about things and as he runs his own business he works longer hours than I do.

He does all DIY tasks though (one of the benefits of living with a builder).

It sounds like resentment is building up on your part. Are you able to sit down and explain how you feel?

ferryandeno Thu 26-Nov-15 13:19:15

Lozza1990, I'm glad you mentioned this as I think this might be something to do with why some of this is going on. To try and give you a bit of background...

So it's a complicated one relationship wise, we were in a fairly loose relationship which I put an end to as I found out he was still messing about with his ex and then we found out I was pregnant. I don't want to write an essay about our history so will try and keep it short. Our relationship has gone from co-parenting, to trying to making it work, me guessing he slept with his ex so finishing it again. It would have been a struggle financially for me paying for the house on my own on maternity pay so he moved into the spare room pretty much as a lodger but so we could co-parent. We'd been friends for a long time before getting together so we do know each other pretty well. However, we know we have feelings for each other and are in some kind of relationship now but he's just had the kind of life that's been very free with not much responsibility so I think he really struggles with putting down roots. Basically he's a hippy and doesn't think anyone owns anything!

I guess I see it as my house as I bought it before we were together/had a child and pay the mortgage on my own. I've been really careful to try and not say his/mine because I want it to be our home. I hope that makes a bit more sense Lozza1990 or not at all!

What I don't want is for our kid to grow up around a relationship that doesn't give and take, and Seeyounearertime I'm very much like you in that relationships are tangible and not gender specific.

KinkyAfro Thu 26-Nov-15 13:22:13

One word, Cocklodger

Seeyounearertime Thu 26-Nov-15 13:26:26

Interesting update OP.

Basically he's got everything he wants with no commitment what so ever.
I think AFs right, he's got it made.

A nice woman to house him, clean for him, cook for him, pay the bills for him. If he gets a bit bored, well it doesn't matter he can wander off cause its not serious anyway, maybe go back to his ex who he was cheating on the nice woman with. Evemnif he doesn't go tonher it doesn't matter because he's got no ties, he'll just come and go as he likes.

What a catch OP...... confused

Sorry if this offends OP but from what you've said, he's a fuckwit that needs to shape up or fuck off. Unless you want your child to think this is a normal relationship between two lovig parents?

tribpot Thu 26-Nov-15 13:29:38

So nobody owns anything, but it's your house and therefore you have to clean it? That doesn't make sense. It's just tie-dyed bullshit to get you to do more than half of the work.

This arrangement isn't going to work, I think you must have always known that really. If it suits you to have a lodger whilst you're on mat leave, fine, but I suspect longer term you'd be better off with a real lodger.

It sounds like he's doing virtually nothing with regards to childcare. How do you imagine this will change when you go back to work? And btw it's not a question of splitting childcare because your salary won't cover nursery, you are splitting it because you are co-parenting and the baby is 50% his.

Put some boundaries in place now; this messy half-relationship might have been doable (if tiring) before you had a baby but now it's just a complication too far. You can co-parent perfectly well without sharing a house and given he clearly can't commit to a relationship far better to put it on this footing and let him muck other women about on his own time.

Eminado Thu 26-Nov-15 13:34:51

Kinky said it.

ferryandeno Thu 26-Nov-15 13:39:15

It's really important to me that our child doesn't think this is a normal relationship, you can have commitment without loosing your identity/some freedom etc. it just feels very one sided atm.

I'm definitely harbouring some resentment and need to talk to him and put some boundaries in place!

Thanks for your comments guys it is a great help to get some perspective and not think I'm being an arse because I'm sleep deprived and hormonal ;)

Jan45 Thu 26-Nov-15 14:05:59

A cocklodger and a wanker who won't help his partner out - so no OP you are not expecting too much.

TokenGinger Thu 26-Nov-15 14:26:58

What a cocklodger.

I'll come home to my house which I live in alone some nights to my DP on the sofa, a sparkly clean kitchen and washing hung out. Couldn't give a toss whether he lives there, his name is on the mortgage or not. He does it because we help each other out.

Although the house may be yours, he should pay a proportion of the mortgage as rent. He's living rent free! Life of Riley only paying half of the househd bills!

LeaLeander Thu 26-Nov-15 14:48:46

It sounds as though you and the kid would be better off without a do-nothing moocher in your life. What a terrible role model he would be for your son. I'd evict him and move on.

tribpot Thu 26-Nov-15 15:10:59

Moocher is a great word.

AnyFucker Thu 26-Nov-15 15:10:53

"Struggles to put down roots"

Ha ha ha ha

Struggles to keep it in his pants, more like. Christ, he is good

He has you housing him, cleaning up his shit, looking after the fruit of his loins and trying to be so cool with his "hippiness" you excuse his shagging about and hang your tongue out for more

A truer cocklodger I never saw

goddessofsmallthings Thu 26-Nov-15 16:38:39

What I don't want is for our kid to grow up around a relationship that doesn't give and take

It can't be said that your relationship "doesn't give and take". You do the giving, he does the taking, and it's probable your "kid" will turn out to be a chip off the old block.

As this manchild has failed to embrace fatherhood in any meaningful sense of the word, you're best advised to boot him out of your house and install a paying lodger in the spare room to ease your straitened financial circumstances while you remain on maternity leave and offset the cost of childcare when you return to work.

0dfod Thu 26-Nov-15 18:18:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mintoil Thu 26-Nov-15 20:22:46

Yep - cocklodger masquerading as a "free spirit" What a wankbadger!

I am sure he can be a wonderful parent without living with off you OP.

Cabrinha Thu 26-Nov-15 20:34:31

I once helped a boyfriend loads with painting his house top to bottom.
Definitely his house, I didn't live there. Had my own flat. Helped him cos he was my friend and cos I'm not a cunt.

So your free spirited hippy doesn't believe in ownership. Except when he wants to say you own YOUR house so you can fuck off if you think he'll clean up after himself, let alone sort out some DIY for his own baby.

Read your posts back.
Kick him out.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 27-Nov-15 12:23:08

He's said because it's my house he feels used if he helps with anything
I'm sorry but I LOL at this comment.
Tell him to shape up and help of fuck off!
Why are you putting up with his lazy arse ways?

I had a house with my Ex and when OH moved in he did loads of stuff to it.
Kitchen, the whole of the first floor. He furnished them and everything.

Seriously, your OH is lazy fuckwit.

Jackie0 Fri 27-Nov-15 12:29:07

Cocklodger, get rid.

ferryandeno Fri 18-Dec-15 18:48:27

Well things have finally come to a head...I asked if he was doing anything on a day when he wasn't working and he said he wasn't sure, so I said great you can look after LO so that I can get some jobs done. Anyway this ended up with him accusing me of forcing our son on him / making him feel guilty for not helping with jobs etc. It got to the point where I tried to talk to him to say he is your son as well and I'm not forcing LO on him but that I needed a break to get on with a job so I could get it done in a day rather it taking all week. Things escalated and I said we need to resolve things and tried to talk stuff through. We were both angry but I tried to keep things civil so we could try and talk things through but at one point said he'll just leave and I should find LO another dad! So final straw with that comment (and it isn't the first time he's said both these things), so I called his bluff and said it is probably better that he leaves. And said the comment about finding another dad was really out of order and a horrible thing to say.

He went to work the next day and stayed out till late so I was in bed when he got home, so the next day we talked and he just said he is going to move out as he wants space etc. I've had the chance to say everything that I need to say to him about him not supporting, helping to look after LO etc. etc.

I know I've done the right thing as I need to stop the one sidedness carrying on but it just feels shit and a bit scary being the one left alone. Mutual friends have said he's behaving like a teenager and aren't very impressed, and think that once he's moved into his new place and had sometime to thing that he will regret things. I'm carrying on from the view point that our half relationship/whatever it was is over and I'm now a single mum.

I've said he will need to have LO at least 2 days a week when I go back to work, but that makes me feel sad as I know I'm going to really miss my LO when he stays with his dad! And to top it all I still love this man! What a bloody mess but trying to keep strong and positive about things...I know I will get through it. I have a wonderful little one which is the best gift in the world smile

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