Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Absolutely distraught - relationship ended and I cannot cope with anything

(111 Posts)
FreckledLeopard Thu 26-Nov-15 12:04:51

For various reasons it was probably a sensible idea that the relationship ended. We'd been having counselling for the past three months and hadn't got very far. There were too many stumbling blocks that couldn't be overcome - finances, pulling apart from each other when things were difficult, wanting different things in life and generally making each other miserable. We decided to call it a day at the weekend. DP has moved out and is moving all her stuff out at the end of next week.

But - even though on paper it's the right thing to do, I am absolutely broken. I cannot stop crying. I cried all the way to work and have been welling up at my desk all morning. I cry at home. I cry to my friends (who are being wonderful but must frankly be sick of me and my problems). I'm taking leftover prescription co-codamol and tramadol to try and numb myself in the day. I can't eat. I can't sleep, even with sleeping tablets that the GP gave me. I can't focus on anything and the slightest thing sets me off. Just looking at DP's stuff at home, and remembering all the things we won't do together. It doesn't help that Christmas is imminent and I don't know what to do for that either.

Poor DD is having to see my sobbing every day (she's 14 - she got on well with DP and is being quite stoical, but I know she's upset). My mother has dementia, so when I told her I'd broken up with DP she was upset, but I know she probably won't remember, so I dread having to tell her time and again.

I know I'm probably depressed - I've started on antidepressants but they've not kicked in yet. I know, or at least I think I do, rationally, that things will improve. But I've never felt this awful before. When my marriage ended it was so much easier - I was quite matter of fact about it. This time, everything has fallen apart and I can't see any future. I don't want any future. I miss DP (despite all the arguments and the horrible things). It feels like the wrong decision, yet on every rational level it's the right thing to do.

Normally I'm quite good at getting on with things and getting over things. This time I literally cannot function. I am in pieces. How is this the right thing to do if it feels so ghastly?

Not sure why I'm posting really - maybe if anyone has been in a situation like this and got through it, and has any pearls of wisdom?

wonderingsoul Thu 26-Nov-15 12:18:39

Life's a bitch ain't it?

You will get through it. Do things that make you smile. Night out? Movie in and take out? . Personally my go to thing is new pj's. They allways make me feel good in a strange and unexplainable way.

See your gp, you may need medication.

It will pass. X

FredaMayor Thu 26-Nov-15 12:27:26

Please stop self-medicating, OP, it will certainly do more harm that good. ADs from your GP may be a short term solution but in the long term it is far better if you can manage on your own.

Your split is very recent and you have a massive amount to adjust to, but you will get through it - there are plenty of people on here who have done it (like me) and survived. Set yourself realistic goals and go easy on yourself. Bawl if you must, it's cathartic and non-addictive.

SaucyJack Thu 26-Nov-15 12:28:51

It will pass, and you will get through it.

This time next year it will be a distant memory. Promise. Be kind to yourself in the meantime- and that does include stopping the prescription med misuse.

Take care xx

newname99 Thu 26-Nov-15 12:31:53

Sometimes an event like relationship ending causes us to grief for all of our previous losses and therefore it's overwhelming.It can be a cumulative affect.You are doing the right things to heal but just accept it's like open heart surgery and will take time.

FreckledLeopard Thu 26-Nov-15 12:35:02

I just don't think I've felt this hopeless and muddled before. Not over a relationship break up. What my head is telling me and how I feel are so totally different.

Don't worry about the meds - have almost run out.

Am seeing friends, trying to keep busy - nothing is helping. I just feel so desperate.

Not trying to be a drama queen and thank you for replying to thread.

extrastrongblackcoffee Thu 26-Nov-15 12:40:48

I'm really sorry flowers

We could all say the usual 'times a great healer' etc, but I know right now it wouldn't really help because when everything looks so dark, how could you possibly see any light? It's there though. It's a case of one day at a time. Be kind to yourself and all that.

Do you have friends around you for support? Unfortunately I don't agree with John Lennon's "all you need is love"- it's really not. If that's all you had and everything else was wrong, then you've made the right decision.

It hurt so much when me and my ex broke up and yes, I still loved him, but we were just completely toxic for one another. I was also just discovering my sexuality though, so it really was time to go. A very hard period of my life.

Hope you feel better soon. You will.

Goingtobeawesome Thu 26-Nov-15 12:42:47

Your heart is broken. You wouldn't expect to get over a broken leg is five minutes so don't be so hard on yourself. Emotional pain can be just as debilitating as physical. Regardless of the pills nearly been finished you have to stop taking them. Combinations like that don't sound sensible to me.

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Nov-15 12:49:15

Oh Feckle so sorry you are feeling so down. I know it is no consolation but it will get better in time it really will., I have been where you are 2 years ago, It is truely horrible. I would suggest a visit to the GP get something to see you though. Allow yourself to grieve and try take care of you and your daughter, she needs you. My son was 13 and ended up in counselling when we spilt, he is now in a good place to. I am sure your friends are not sick of you. Big hugs

JudgeJodie Thu 26-Nov-15 19:00:48

No words of advice from me unfortunately as I am in the exact same position including the self medicating and non effective (prescribed) sleeping pills . I don't recognise myself and long for my feelings to match what my head tells me in my moments of clarity.

So I can only offer thanks and wineI'm afraid. I will be watching this thread with interest. The post about cumulative grieving rings true with me. I lost my dad three years ago, split with my husband at the beginning of the year and am having a tough time in new relationship. Maybe I am projecting unresolved feelings inappropriately. Food for thought.

SolsburyHell Thu 26-Nov-15 20:09:13

I've felt like this, it nearly pulled me under...I fought it hard (emotionally and physically-I went to the gym a lot), it got better in time.
Come on, you have a dd, fight it, in whatever way works for you (but stop self medicating). Life will get easier and then better, you will set a good example for your dd.

Mermaidhair1 Thu 26-Nov-15 21:08:13

Stop self medicating firstly.
Accept that this is going to hurt for a while.
Give yourself a time limit to be upset,
After that you will need to find something to replace your ex.
Start exercising, join a club etc
You will be ok!
People go through this all of the time.

donajimena Thu 26-Nov-15 21:27:40

This was me this time last year. It was hideous. Exactly as you describe. The uncontrollable tears the hopeless feelings.
I knew I'd get better but I so wanted a magic wand!
What you are going through is completely normal and you will recover too but the ride won't be easy.
Keep busy. Force yourself to keep going. One day sooner than you think you will feel a little better. Then soon after a lot better.
keep on mning. It saved my life (only part exaggeration)

NanaNina Thu 26-Nov-15 21:39:41

You are going through a bereavement process ( doesn't have to be a death - any loss is a bereavement) You can't really expect to feel ok - it's all very raw at the moment. There are stages of bereavement - denial, anger, sadness and other emotions before you come to acceptance. These emotions aren't linear, you can take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. There aren't any short cuts either, it will take as long as it takes.

The ADs might take the edge off things but of course won't deal with the underlying cause. You could consider counselling, though you would have to pay privately I think. NHS usually offer CBT about 6 sessions and I don't think that particular therapy would be very good for you.

Is your DD living with you? If so you do need to try to hold things together for her as she is going to be going through her own bereavement and will need support.

There will be brighter times ahead............but not yet. And Christmas of course is going to be tough because emotions are heightened at this time of year and the TV ads are full of happy families. You might be interested to know that January is the busiest month for divorce lawyers!

FreckledLeopard Thu 26-Nov-15 22:16:09

Christmas certainly not helping. Nor the fact that it's DP's birthday next week and we were supposed to be going away.

Had a friend over for dinner which was really nice. Hadn't seen her for a few months so was good to catch up. Ate some dinner too which is probably a good thing.

Trying to be strong and normal for DD who misses DP. She's being stoical and her usual self but I know she's upset.

I have no energy to do anything. I can't even decide what to buy at the shops, let alone summon the energy to advertise spare room for a lodger (need the money) and cannot contemplate Christmas but know I have to for DD. I just want to go to bed and emerge in January - it's been such a horrible year.

I think I thought I would be relieved when we split up. It's been so rocky for months. Instead it feels like a bereavement. I keep thinking 'this time last week we were still together' or I see her rubbish or recycling and it feels like she's still here. Every new day just confirms the split and puts more distance between us which I can't bear. Each person I have to tell reinforces the fact we're no longer together. I miss her.

RedMapleLeaf Thu 26-Nov-15 22:25:26

Firstly, remember that this won't last forever.

Secondly, read up on stages of grief. It helps to know that others have been where you are. Knowing that you will come out the other end happier than you went in is a comfort.

Thirdly, look up dukkha.

RedMapleLeaf Thu 26-Nov-15 22:26:43

Don't worry about Christmas. At this stage you need to focus on things like eating and washing and sleeping. In two or three weeks you will be capable of so much more and you'll be surprised at what needs you will be able to meet by then (such as preparing for Christmas).

donajimena Fri 27-Nov-15 07:57:43

How are you this morning?

FreckledLeopard Fri 27-Nov-15 08:17:42

Numb really. Dreading this weekend - am going to stay with friends in London and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it and of having to make conversation.

I don't want do anything. Maybe watch The World at War box set as a distraction but nothing more than that. But I have to go and see people who are being so, so kind to me. I'm so grateful.

I'm just exhausted. I just want to curl up and die. I'm not suicidal - I just want to cease to exist and for the pain to stop. I just need to get through the next five weeks and then it's a new year.

It's all consuming. My brain won't let me think about anything else.

RedMapleLeaf Fri 27-Nov-15 08:55:46

Keep doing things, even before you really feel like doing them.

Your brain's job is to make sense of things and to solve problems. That's what it does. Unfortunately there are some things we just can't make sense of. It may sound trite, but this situation just is what it is. It's not a problem to be solved. When you accept that, and let go instead of holding on, there's a big feeling of relief and lightness and you can move on. It might even happen like the flick of a switch, the light bulb moment. It just might not happen today.

donnattella Fri 27-Nov-15 11:05:20

Hi there.

I just wanted to say I felt like you do a few years ago and it was a horrible thing and an awful time of life. Sending you a hug.

I think that anti-depressants are just ways to numb the pain, and pain demands to be felt I think. Now, or later in ways you can't see. Healthier to take it now and move on.

I know it feels impossible, it's the worst, and it is all consuming. At first the waves are a hundred feet high and come every minute or so, then slowly it's every 5 minutes, then every hour, then once or twice a day. Then the waves become fifty feet tall and they come every now and then, until they gradually fade to ripples and the storm is passed. I think this is how it works...so every time that wave comes, no they will not be so big nor last forever. No pain does.

The little things that helped me were small. Thoughts such as "if someone is meant to be in your life they will always find their way back". Thoughts like that made me feel less dispair and a bit more faith in what is meant to be coming true for me. Shower every day, no matter how bad you feel get dressed and look nice. Eat a little bit, even yogurt or a milkshake if you can't eat a meal. Type and type into a journal. Get counselling.

I m so sorry...venting helps a lot

xxxxx

ocelot7 Fri 27-Nov-15 12:21:26

I feel just the same as you OP a month after my beloved suddenly ended it... completely unexpected! And blaming myself -though still not clear what happened/what I did as he won't talk to me or communicate at all...I did send several emails at first in my anguish...

I took piriton to sleep the 2nd & 3rd nights - having gone to work on 2 hrs sleep the next day which was a nightmare I never wish to repeat - after that it stopped working but my doctor gave me a very limited supply of sleeping tabs to eek out. I usually take a quarter tab when I wake in early hrs which is the worst time for me as I was lying awake for hrs...

My friends are being fab & doing what they can but I still ache for him when I'm alone or not fully engaged with something (which it is very hard to be as I'm finding it very hard to focus on anything fully) I stay over sometimes as am hating being at home alone...struggling with forcing myself to do things eg new paint project & inclined to get under duvet...but not berating myself too much when I just can't do anything..

Donatella's thought "if someone is meant to be in your life they will always find their way back" is a small comfort - I hope that by the time I might have to acknowledge he's not coming back that it won't hurt so much...

FreckledLeopard Fri 27-Nov-15 13:41:49

I do like the saying - I guess by assuming that if someone is meant to be in your life, then they'll be in it, takes the onus of me to an extent.

Ocelot - it must be ghastly to be cut off unexpectedly flowers. Our split was on the cards and the reasons are clear, but this hasn't made it any better at all. I somehow thought because it was sensible to break up, it wouldn't be so difficult. This feeling has hit me so unexpectedly and like a tonne of bricks. I'm so so desperate - I don't know what to do at all. Normally I have a plan - now I have absolutely nothing and no anchor.

My brain won't switch off. Every second is occupied by going over the relationship, the conversations, the good times, the bad times - there is no let up.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't talk to anyone without crying, I cry on the way to work, I cry at work and I cry on the way home. It's ridiculous. I cannot fathom how, in the course of a week, I've become like this.

donajimena Fri 27-Nov-15 13:51:55

I also took comfort from them wanting me back. I worked so hard to improve myself even though I didn't feel like it. Just forcing myself to try new things. I just convinced myself he would see the light and find out that I was the one even though in my heart I knew he wouldn't come back.
As it turns out he did tentatively try and get back in touch but someone else far better had already 'seen the light' where I am concerned. I have a wonderful partner and I took great pleasure in telling my ex to jog on. I could not have foreseen how full circle my life has gone in a year.
Time to get practical now OP. Box up all the reminders. Move the furniture around. If budget allows treat yourself to some new bedding that she hasn't seen. This really helped me.
Keep on going...

donnattella Fri 27-Nov-15 14:06:28

I guess by assuming that if someone is meant to be in your life, then they'll be in it, takes the onus of me to an extent

That's it.

you can relax, knowing that if someone is the RIGHT someone, they will gravitate back and you will work it out- if not - you are better to find the person who is the right person.

Not to say that is all mystical and written in the stars (i think this is bollocks) but the right person is the one who is able to get through life, ups and downs and good and bad and for you to grow stronger through it - not grow apart.

So time will give you the answers and for now it is best to try and relax and not pretzel yourself into wondring how to get him back or how you will lie without him forever.

No one died, nothing is final. What you can do is consider this time to work on yourself. Get to the gym, get out with friends, find things to do that make you happy, spoil yourself and when you miss him think of the new positives since he has been gone.

then if he ever DOES come back, you can evaluate whether you want him to or not at that point. If he ever doesn't...then there is a new and happier and stronger YOU to attract the real person life wants to give to you.

I think that is the most positive way to cope with it when someone leaves you.

It avoids all trap of all the negative thinking that only makes it feel worse.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now