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Boundaries with parents and close family members.

(19 Posts)
Inexperiencedchick Thu 26-Nov-15 11:39:24

How to become firm and set boundaries with parents and close family members?

If parents can they are ready to bring me back home in order to force me to marry. I'm 37, so they are happy to find someone and arrange marriage for me.
I have told my mother: "I'm not planning my life there and don't create some plans regarding my private life."

They are cross.

Will they ever understand that forcing your will on your child and not taking into account your child's wants and needs is wrong?!

Annarose2014 Thu 26-Nov-15 11:43:24

Not after 37 years they won't. They may mellow when you're middle aged.....

All you can do is keep living your life independantly and don't engage at all with their nonsensical ideas.

Jackie0 Thu 26-Nov-15 11:44:14

Bring you back home to where ?
Are you dependant on your parents or living in there house?
I assume you have a life a home a job etc so the appropriate response is , " hahahahaha good one ".
Seriously though , can you just ignore the whole nonsense?

Inexperiencedchick Thu 26-Nov-15 11:51:37

I'm Muslim, and they think it's their responsibility to control and their children, to the extend of even giving a birth after 9 month marriage is an obligation. If you won't get pregnant straight away for some reasons you have a problem here... It's just an example.
I'm in the UK, job, education, rental place...
It's not enough for them. Apparently I haven't achieved anything in life as I don't have a family, no husband, no kids...

I tried to ignore but it's impossible. Everyday some kind of new nonsense...

Inexperiencedchick Thu 26-Nov-15 11:52:43

I don't depend financially on my family.

Jackie0 Thu 26-Nov-15 11:57:39

Well they can think whatever they like, don't engage with it, carry on living your life.

FredaMayor Thu 26-Nov-15 12:08:43

You understandably feel yourself to be in a very difficult position OP, with family and social pressure to conform on one side and your own wishes on the other. UK law supports you in that it prohibits forced marriage but that doesn't mean that these people will not try to wear you down.

Have you contacted one of the many support groups like the government's Forced Marriage Unit, Women's Aid or Supportline for women in your position? If nothing else they will lend an ear and offer practical day to day support. Do take advantage of what they can offer you, they have a great deal of expertise in this area from people who have been in your position.

And I'm sure you have achieved plenty if you are financially independent.

Hissy Thu 26-Nov-15 17:24:25

Is it Nirvana the name of the Muslim Charity? Helping people deal with cultural coercion, forced marriages, sharia related pressure etc?

wizzywig Thu 26-Nov-15 17:25:20

Karma nirvana

Lottapianos Thu 26-Nov-15 17:29:19

Loads of sympathy here OP because my parents are very similar. Nothing is ever quite good enough, they expect me to do what I'm told, be a good girl etc. It's very painful and very tiresome.

You have a lot to be proud of. I know how hard it is to challenge this kind of pressure, especially when you have been brought up by such controlling parents. The way forward for me has been moving away (which you have done - and don't ever go back if you don't want to!) and seeing a psychotherapist. The guilt has been crippling at times but I'm getting so much stronger and I live life on my own terms now.

Boundaries - so important. You're not a child any longer - you do not have to do what you are told. You get to make your own decisions about your own life.

Inexperiencedchick Thu 26-Nov-15 18:15:29

I've cried today as I couldn't believe that whatever they said yesterday, they turned it around today to say it was just a simple statement, nothing to worry about.
They have no idea in what state of mind I am from last night...
A thought crossed my mind are they actually EAs as my mum is supporting dad, but at the same time is trying to be nice to everybody.

I have told my parents and my brother (for other reasons) not to contact me anymore. I'm miles away from them but still they don't have peace if they don't create any kind of drama every single day...

Few days ago I was actually melancholic about my life in my country, after this I'm saying you are lucky that you are here.

Why on earth create so much drama in your child's life and stress them more?! Why just not have peace and live normal happy life? Why?!

0dfod Thu 26-Nov-15 18:24:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy Thu 26-Nov-15 18:26:15

Please love, cut ties.

This is not right, they can't rule your life like this. They have no right to control you.

You will never get them to see your point of view, they are irrational and believe the have right on their side. They don't.

This is not you, it's them.

springydaffs Thu 26-Nov-15 18:33:30

To them it is 'normal life' though. This is cultural (from what you've said) and that goes deep. They grew up with it, it's normal. They probably think, and despair, you have been corrupted by western values. Which likely would cause them genuine distress.

I'm not excusing them or their cultural values - but do try not to take it personally. To force is abusive but they wouldn't see it like that. It's so difficult when it's cultural, you're not just 'fighting' them but centuries of tradition.

You've done well to hold them off for 37 years though! Congratulations, that is huge progress flowers

Inexperiencedchick Thu 26-Nov-15 19:16:50

Thanks Springy

Yes, I've explained it today to my mum in a calm way that they grew up with the believe that no one takes notice of child's needs, wants and opinion.
And stated that I'm not going to live like that nor I would like to live somewhere where people nosy in everything.

The problem is when I started to explain that she said "we didn't say anything to you why you are so edgy." And when I asked why on earth even to start the conversation, her reply was "well it's just a thought, just a simple statement" and they wouldn't even own the whole point that it caused me stress, pain and restlessness. Emotional pain.

When I heard those words, I couldn't keep myself from tears...

I think the whole point for them was again to show that they still have power over my life and that I still belong to them.

Suddenlyseymour Thu 26-Nov-15 19:40:48

It seems like they are gaslighting you as well.....creating a massive drama, leaving you upset throughout the night and following day, then saying "what? But we didn't say anything, what's your problem?" Disengage disengage....

springydaffs Thu 26-Nov-15 19:42:33

That's how they see it though! Not even in an abusive sense (though it is boundariless) but How It Is. They probably genuinely can't think out of the box they've grown up in and totally believe in.

I'm in my 50s and I don't quite remember when I stopped wanting my parents to support me, to 'hear' me, to try to understand me. And what we're dealing with isn't even cultural! They just are completely set in their ways and can't, and certainly won't, entertain a different way of seeing things.

Try to let go off wanting them to understand you - my guess is they never will. They probably take personally the way you live your life - so there's a lot of pain on both sides. Both sides are hurting about this and both sides think, believe, they are right.

Perhaps you could accept, have compassion on, their view, even though you can't/won't give them what they want, for good reason. We want their compassion and understanding but I sometimes wonder if doing it the other way around is to become truly adult, knowing we won't get their support and understanding as much as we want it. In my experience, trying over and over again to get them to understand was sooooo painful. In the end I stopped, which was a relief for us both. I now accept they will never be the supportive, understanding parents I needed (desperately - there are some serious issues between my parents and I).

I could cut contact with my parents but I have managed to carve out something that works to a degree. For now! I'm glad they are in my life even though they have caused me unbelievable pain in the past but it's taken years to get here. Years.

One thing you can be grateful for is you don't live in the same country! Phew! Perhaps limit contact between you so you are not repeatedly hurt by them and get the chance to be at peace.

springydaffs Thu 26-Nov-15 19:47:40

I agree with Seymour. Google 'gaslighting' if you don't know what it is.

Inexperiencedchick Thu 26-Nov-15 20:16:17

flowers springy

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