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very early miscarriage - don't know whether to tell ex?

(16 Posts)
hazzie56 Thu 26-Nov-15 10:42:04

had an early miscarriage, only around 4 weeks. split up from September and had one night together since. baby was definitely his. hes been a bit of pig since and has ignored me and said we can't be friends, even though he said we could at first, i feel a bit weird keeping this to myself but i don't know if it would look like some mad attempt to get him back if i told him. i feel paranoid!

i feel weird not telling him, not sure why. don't know what to do.

any suggestions?

PurpleDaisies Thu 26-Nov-15 10:46:53

Sorry for your loss. flowers

Did he know you were pregnant? I don't think you need to tell him unless you particularly want to. Maybe it would help for you to talk through your feelings with someone (a close friend, a GP or a counsellor) and work out what to do for the best.

Cabrinha Thu 26-Nov-15 10:47:03

I'm sorry to hear about the miscarriage flowers

I would find a proper friend to talk to about it. He won't care, which will hurt you. Also - I'm sorry to say this, he may not believe you. I had a friend who was on and off with a girl. Three times they split and three times in the weeks after they split she discovered she was pregnant when she miscarried. He'll just think you want to manipulate him into talking to you.

Don't tell him, don't see him (he's not your friend) and don't sleep with him again.

CMOTDibbler Thu 26-Nov-15 10:49:14

If you tell no one else, and can trust yourself that you'll never throw it in his face, then I can see not telling him.

But if you have told anyone else, then you need to tell him so he hears it from you - these things have a nasty habit of circling back.

Joysmum Thu 26-Nov-15 10:54:31

You do what's best for you. If telling him is just going to lead to you being even upset because he'll be his usual horrible self then what would you get from telling him, other than more heartache.

KinkyAfro Thu 26-Nov-15 10:56:06

Sorry for your loss flowers

I agree with Cabrinha, he'll see it as an attempt to make contact. You've been split since September, are you hoping to get back together?

hazzie56 Thu 26-Nov-15 11:04:01

It was him who ended it and i have and still wanted to get back together. one moment he is fine and talking to me like normal, the next he says he cannot talk to me and we cannot be friends. i need to accept this so i think he will see me telling him this as a way to try and get him back? i haven't told anybody else about it yet.

they say everything happens for a reason sad

PurpleDaisies Thu 26-Nov-15 11:06:18

I think you're right-he will see this as you trying to get back with him. It sounds like getting back in contact with him won't help you to move on, so take some time to get your head together, let the dust settle and then think about whether he to know. Look after yourself first.

Snowglobe18 Thu 26-Nov-15 11:08:27

I am sorry for your loss. I don't think that I would tell him.

Daisychain5 Thu 26-Nov-15 11:08:44

Do you mean 4 weeks or 8 weeks pregnant? You are officially 4 weeks by the time of your first missed period....I wouldn't bother telling him. As others have said, he won't be interested and won't care (by the sound of it), so you will only hurt yourself more. I'm not really sure why you feel the need to tell him, if it's not an attempt to get him back.

hazzie56 Thu 26-Nov-15 11:55:40

4 weeks pregnant, maybe 5 x

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 26-Nov-15 11:56:35

Don't tell him. Lick your wounds, confide in a friend and for goodness sake stop shagging him.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 26-Nov-15 11:58:05

I'm also not trying to be a bitch, I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks (period 1 week late) and I was disappointed but he may not see it as a miscarriage even. In the days before sensitive early pregnancy tests it would have been a late period. I'm just trying to say this probably won't mean much to him at all especially as presumably you weren't trying.

MummyC92 Thu 26-Nov-15 16:18:16

I partially agree with Obsidian, it was very early so it is unlikely your ex will feel the same grief as you. Although it feels like he should know, it won't make much difference and if you don't get an ideal reaction from him it will likely make you feel worse, confide in a friend or family member and take care of yourself. flowers

goddessofsmallthings Thu 26-Nov-15 16:57:29

"i don't know if it would look like some mad attempt to get him back if i told him"

From his point of view that's exactly what it would look like as, at such an early stage and in the absence of any medical proof to the contrary, all that can be said is that you had a late period.

I hope you'll take steps to ensure you won't find yourself in this situation again as becoming pregnant by a man who doesn't want to know you will not give any dc you may have the best start in life.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich Thu 26-Nov-15 18:26:58

The fact is that he probably wouldnt care and that would hurt you all over again.

As far as he is concerned you are not longer together, the miscarriage ended the pregnancy so there is nothing between you.

He very likely wont be sympathetic, wont give you comfort and support and may well accuse you a lying to try and get him back.

He is not a nice man and you are better off without him. I know its hard to see that now but the fact that he dumped you, then raised your hopes by using you for sex and them cut you off with barely a word does not show him in a very good light.

Take some time to heal, both from the end of your relationship and the end of the pregnancy. Be kind to yourself and stay away from him, he will only make you feel worse.

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