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Tell me it's ok to be frustrated with this....or not if you don't agree!

(15 Posts)
howhasitgotothis Wed 25-Nov-15 13:16:38

I posted a couple of weeks ago about how I wasn't sure if I wanted to still be in my marriage. I'm off to see a counsellor tomorrow and then DH will come along too in a couple of weeks.
I've been thinking a lot about our situation lately. My main question going round my head is whether I'm being too harsh, but the more I think about what goes on the more I'm realising that actually it's no wonder I'm so frustrated.
I'll try and be brief, my main issues are; DH being extremely passive, no initiative to plan anything (either major life events or days out), he makes a token effort to tidy, he will hoover (cleaned our bathroom about 2 times in 2 years). We bought a doer upper house, everything that has been done has come from me suggesting we do such and such. He doesn't seem to have any interest in making our living environment less cluttered, no interest in coming up with ideas of how we can improve stuff. He has a pile of paperwork in the corner of our bedroom which he PROMISED me 6 months ago that he would sort, it's still there. The reason he promised was because this pile of paperwork has actually been needing a sort out for years and he knows it pisses me off. He doesn't organise days or nights out, always me suggesting stuff.
He's got a terrible memory. I generally have to repeat my self 2 or 3 times because it doesn't seem to sink in! I remembered earlier that one time he had organised the singer from the band he plays in to come over to do a practise. She phoned him at the time she was due here, asking which house was it, he'd only gone and gave her the wrong house number! He'd forgotten which fucking house we lived at, and we'd been here about 6 months.
A couple of weeks ago we went to a friend's for a lovely lunch. We all met at the pub near theirs for a drink before going back to their house. DH knew we were going for lunch because a) it's what happens when we go and b) we were in charge of the cheese board. I told DH we were meeting in the pub for a drink a few days prior, but when we got there the girl behind the bar asked if we were staying for lunch, DH said 'erm yes I think so! FFS Grow up!
Really, please someone tell me I'm not going mad with all this frustration going on in my head!

biscuitkumquat Wed 25-Nov-15 13:27:59

Has he always been like this? Or is it a fairly recent thing?

My OH is very passive, but he always has been, and it compliments my personality. I see the positives in my OH, he is very accommodating, he is always willing to do what's asked. He's great with DCs, we rarely argue etc.

If I ask OH to do something, I usually "tell" him what he's doing, then kind of force him into it!

For example, the papers in the bedroom, if it was me, I would wait until he was sitting down one evening, and put some of the papers in front of him, put the TV off, and tell him he needed to get them done tonight.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Wed 25-Nov-15 13:33:49

Some people are 'doers' and organisers, others are more happy to let someone else take charge and go with the flow.

Some people like a clear, tidy and clutter free house, others are really not interested in that. My idea of clean and tidy is a lot different from some of my friends.

The lunch at the pub thing, I really can't see what there is to get that wound up about tbh, perhaps your general frustration towards him is causing you to magnify little things that usually would go over your head.

isthismylifenow Wed 25-Nov-15 13:35:32

Yes he seems very laid back about everything, does he have a lot of stress from work or similar? I know I have had to think about my phone number or date of birth when put into a spot before.

But I dont know if I would end my marriage just based on these things alone.

Is there a bit more to the situation than the examples you have given.

Have you discussed all this with him OP?

Threefishys Wed 25-Nov-15 13:38:29

I'm very like your DH, I'm messy disorganised and horrendously forgetful and indecisive too - I drive myself mad. But I'm also loving , open and compliant, willing to go with the flow etc I consider those my good points. Does your DH have any that you can accentuate?

GlitteryFluff Wed 25-Nov-15 13:43:24

My dh is exactly the same OP and I don't know the answer.
My brain never switches off as I'm always the one than had to organise everything from paying bills, buying presents, organising days out, buying DS's clothing/shoes when needed, decorating, tidying, cleaning, meal plans, food shopping etc etc.
It's infuriating. We've had many talks about this as sometimes I really need to switch my brain off and can't. I've explained it feels like he's not my team mate in this area and I'm on my own. But nothing seems to change. He's always happy to do stuff but I have to tell him what to do, which is the issue.
He's also the same with the not listening/paying attention thing. Hmm. Are you me?
Interesting hear above post saying that some people go with the flow some organise. I suppose 2 of the same wouldn't work in a relationship necessarily would it?

AgathaF Wed 25-Nov-15 13:45:52

I remember your previous thread I think. Really you need to accept that you are just different personalities. You can either work with that and try to play to and accept each others strengths, or decide that you are not compatible and separate. I can't see what starting multiple threads complaining about his short comings is achieving though.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 25-Nov-15 13:58:27

DId you have an arranged marriage where you didn't meet him till the wedding day, or did you have a courtship of some duration before you married him?

If it's the latter were you aware that he's a laid back to the point of horizontal type of guy before you tied the knot, or has his personality undergone a dramatic transformation since you returned from your honeymoon?

Cel982 Wed 25-Nov-15 14:04:55

My husband is exactly the same, OP, it's like we're married to the same man... I do all the organising, all the household stuff, take the initiative with booking holidays or nights out. He doesn't resist doing things, but will almost never take the reins himself. Sometimes it bothers me, yes, especially if there are admin-type tasks that can only be done by him and I've had to ask him fifty times to just do it. The odd time it's really got to me and we've rowed about it, and he always promises to try harder, but he tends to slip back into old habits.

On the other hand, he's extremely kind, easy-going, never gets angry or resentful. He doesn't mind when I have to nag him a bit to get stuff done. Also, I'm someone who's happier to look after money and bills and that sort of thing, I wouldn't like to give up that responsibility. So I suppose we complement each other.

Anyway, I don't think these issues have to spell the end of a relationship. But the resentment that can build up might do it. Counselling sounds like a great idea. Best of luck.

BertieBotts Wed 25-Nov-15 15:04:03

I'm more of the laid back type and I think I drive my DH mad blush

I don't mean it. I just don't find the same things as important. He can ask me to do one thing and I'll do it that one time but it won't occur to me to do it again.

When he tells me the things he finds important, I can see it more from his point of view. I didn't realise, for example, that when he says "Oh I don't feel like cleaning up tonight" that he still wanted me to clean up. I thought he was saying never mind, let's have a rest. He finds things much more manageable when certain areas of the house are clean and tidy, and feels stressed when they are not. For me, it makes no difference at all.

For things like the paperwork, you should spell out that it bothers you and ask him to think of a solution for it and a deadline. Whether it's a sort out so nothing stays there, or a box to hide it in so it's not visible, or an A-Z folder so everything can be put into order.

Ultimately if you can't find a compromise and/or he isn't willing to work with you or you can't live with it, then you're not compatible which means you will never be happy together.

howhasitgotothis Wed 25-Nov-15 17:31:55

It's good to hear that some people just don't think about some of these things. Sometimes I think he does (or doesn't more to the point) do these things to piss me off!
I guess we'll just have to throw ourselves into the counselling and see what comes of it. I know I can't live with this daily frustration forever so there are three options that I see: 1) I chill out 2) DH steps up 3) we split.
Thanks for your replies.

Jan45 Wed 25-Nov-15 17:42:41

Thing is OP if certain things frustrate you then telling yourself to chill out won't cut the mustard, sometimes it's just two people being too different and it won't work out - I couldn't stand it myself, it must be like looking after a child with extra needs.

Maybe the counselling will help put some kind of plan into action, I mean if you are nagging him all the time to do things etc neither of you will be happy, it almost detracts from you just being you and being your best, frustrations can actually put you into a depression eventually, something needs to change for sure.

Atenco Thu 26-Nov-15 03:14:23

I'm very like your DH, but just because other people can live with that type of person, it doesn't mean you have to if it drives you up the wall.

MummyC92 Thu 26-Nov-15 16:42:26

I think a lot of the problems you have brought up describe a lot of men. My DP has NEVER cleaned the bathroom for instance, he will do the little bits like washing up, cooking from time to time but unless I asked him to he would not take the initiative to do any cleaning. I can't say I really mind, I am quite happy doing it as I generally have more time and feel I do it better!
Some people are tidier than others and either you play to each others strengths and weaknesses or not. Perhaps there is somewhere you can meet in the middle.

Bluetrews25 Thu 26-Nov-15 19:49:49

Option 4 - you chill a bit, AND he steps up a bit = compromise

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