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7 years of interfering MIL and nothing has changed(23 Posts)
Well where to start. I won't bore you with the full story so I'm just going to put a list of the crap I've dealt with over the years.
MIL told me i wasn't dressing my kids warm enough (had a warm jumper and long top on at the time) and this is why they had a chest infection. (i cried for hours) even though she has been caught SMOKING around them!
when pregnant she accused me of drinking (never touched a drop) and then lit a fag and blew smoke in my face.
when i once worked for her she would humiliate me in front of all the staff, and make me cover everyones shifts just because she could, one day she had me in front of about 8 staff and when i said i can cover a shift she said 'I know, you're doing it anyway' half the staff had to ask if i was ok so i know it wasn't just me.
she insisted on being in the delivery room when i was pregnant, and when told no she told my mother that her and no one else was going anywhere near the hospital period.
when ever i buy my kids something she always buys the same thing but 'better'
she told me i was starving my daughter because i was only breastfeeding.
i offered to introduce her to my DISABLED father and she said no and made a face like she would catch something from him.
she has always put her son down, he can never do anything right even though he's an amazing dad and partner and works hard.
i bought a lovely coat for my partner one year and she said to me 'he won't like it send it back' (she never even saw it)
i also bought her a top one year....a few months later she brought it up the house still with tags on and said i have this top thats way too big for me if you want it. (again.. I cried)
i was once checking the temperature of my baby's bottle and she snatched it from my hand and said its fine and walked off.
she has smoked around my kids too. not only have i seen it but they have often come home smelling of smoke.
she always asks where their school uniform is and even goes upstairs looking for it.
she was so happy when i fell pregnant with first baby but the 2nd she was clearly unhappy and made me feel terrible...even made a snide remark saying 'no wonder u have thrush!' (didn't have thrush btw)
we went shopping for a buggy and she said infant of the staff...you'd have to actually go outside mind.
she came up to me one day and for no reason at all she called my sister two faced...i quit working for her a week later
the list goes on and on I've lost count of it all but this is what I'm dealing with. we have even moved away at one point but had to move back due to house falling apart. the only reason i put up with this, is because the MIL mother is so so sweet and likes to buy the kids clothes, uniform etc..and i know she doesn't do it because she thinks we can't, but because she wants to make the most of my kids as she is 80, and since she does all this with MIL i would be taking it all away from her too and she doesn't deserve it. WTF do i do!!
she also told everyone in work that if i ever got pregnant she would go part time to look after the baby :-o
oh! and i recently bought my lil girl an angel necklace...a few days later i come home and my lil girl tells me she doesn't need the necklace anymore because MIL had gone out and bought a glass angel to keep by her bed to protect her...which is what i told her the necklace was for.
and! when me and my partner split up one time she said it was my fault for not having sex with him, and for not going out enough, and also my mothers fault for staying down too long (my mother is completely harmless and helpful WITHOUT the judgments
What you do is grow a backbone (easier said than done, I know).
Cut contact with MIL or at least massively reduce it.
Make a date to visit the gran whenever it suits you both.
Stop waiting for this woman to change as it wont happen.
You can only change one person's attitude in all of this, and that's yours.
IIWY I would not let this nasty person have another minute of my life. Haters will always hate, OP, so cut yourself free (harsh though it may sound), and let your 'amazing partner and dad' do his job and front MIL.
Yes, what does your DH say?
But basically, she's a cunt. She should never have been allowed in the delivery room and she must not be allowed to smoke around your kids, or go looking for their school uniforms .
Don't have her in your house. Don't speak to her.
She wouldn't have been at the hospital let alone delivery room if she was my mil.
Put your foot down and say enough is enough. You are in the position of power here, not her.
Why do you put up with it, go nc asap.
I don't know how you stand it. If she is helping out financially you and DH need to work out another way of getting by. You're not her employee any more. What a shame you moved back near her.
OMG i will only say this take a stand now because you do not want to be sitting here 25 years later still being troad on by her because i am in that position .i am 45 and it was only last year i made a stand my 3 sons are now men .please its better now than making yourself miserable all your bloody adult life .is her name margo by any chance ?
Omg tell her she is a terrible person and to f*ck off and mind her own business! I'm guessing her son has no backbone either. I'm angry for you. Ask yourself WHY do you put up with it?
Thanks every1. My partner has told her off several times, and she stops for a while, but then jumps right back into the habit like he never said a thing. Her own mother has even told her off! she just doesn't care she insults so many people all the time but we are definitely getting the worst of it. she is VERY manipulative because she can be so nice one minute and do anything for you, but then she can just snap back into her bitchy self in a heartbeat. when we moved away we were gone only two months, and she told her son that she will never forgive him lmao! we only went half and hour drive away!
she was also planning to take my daughter to disney land when she was only 1!! we put a stop to that one b4 it started
Why do you put up with this nonsense? Cut her out of your life now. Do not allow her around your children.
Your MIL is unwell and I agree with pp, she should not be around your DC.
Are you afraid of her? Can you tell us why you put up with this treatment?
You know, you don't have to see her or listen to her crap.
She clearly gets her enjoyment by being horrible to you or anyone who listens. Why put up with it?
Why on earth do you include her in so much? Why tell her that you are going pram shopping for example? why tell her that you have bought something new for your DC?
Well done for stopping working for her, that was a good move, now focus on gradually giving her less information and involvement.
Its hard isnt it when the behaviour is very manipulative and they try to play other people against you, under the facade of 'whats best for you'. My mil is a bit like this and she lives 2 mins away ...i see her and fil nearly everyday. Its really hard! I have posted a few times about my mil here. By no means have i 'sorted out' our issues, and i am very shy/hate confrontation, but somethings i have done that have helped:
Dont divulge information, e.g: my mil used to ring everyday and say 'what are you up to?' - all nice and well...but if i said something like 'oh i dont know going to buy ds a bouncer' etc, a couple of hours later she would turn up, with a 'better' one. I also got a nice memory box made for ds, by my friend who has a craft buisness - a sentimental thing from me to him and she insisted she 'bought it' (literally shoving money at me) after id bought it...weird and really pissed me off. So now im just very vague all the time and dont tell her any proper info.
As soon as she brings up some parenting 'advice' (weaning at 8 weeks ) i just say hmmm and then say no, im doing x y z. I used to just say hmm yeah and leave it at that but ive haf to actually start saying no as otherwise she witters on and on with such a patronising i know better than you way which make me want to punch her.
And also, my dh does stick up for me and my/our views, but it helps us to discuss things (i.e any issues i feel very strongly about, like not giving chocolate and coke in a bottle to my 6 month old....!) To make sure we are on same page before mil brings it up (even though dh backs me up sometimes if its something we havnt talked a out he will just sit there passively)
spillyobeans this is exactly what i am going through, she tried to give my youngest lager when she was just a baby! which was the only time i ever said no. Fatherwishmans my sister said the exact same thing word for word haha. and bupbupbup....yes, I'm terrified of her sometimes she is so intimidating, and whenever i do give an answer back to something she ALWAYS has an answer ready to stump me into silence. :-( I've noticed the last year I'm not as scared anymore so its only a matter of time :-)
Don't spend any time with her.
Why do you ever let yourself or DC be in a room with her? What hold does she have over you?
And don't put your trust in 'angels'. Neither a glass angel nor an angel pendant can 'protect' people against anything. If you need to have faith, turn to God.
Stop crying about her. She's not worth your tears.
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