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Good bloke or bad?

(24 Posts)
Bearhug12 Tue 24-Nov-15 22:27:38

I've been abused all my life. Abusive childhood followed by long abusive marriage & several abusive dates, so you could say my judgement is way off with blokes. Now I've met a new man (OLD) & it's very sad but my first thought is ' in which way is this one going to let me down? ' So far he's been an absolute gent. Won't take a penny from me on dates. Pays for dinner/ theatre/ black cab home (which he doesn't join me in) He's always super polite. Says things like 'Blah blah blah - in my opinion' - acknowledging you may have a different viewpoint. It's all delightful but I'm left wondering when the 'hit' is going to happen & what form it will take? I almost feel I'm being groomed. Absolutely nothing untoward has happened so far & he's been very complimentary about me. Have I hit the jackpot finally or is the hit just around the corner? If he's that bloody nice how come he's never married/no kids by 46?

hesterton Tue 24-Nov-15 22:30:04

You sound good! You have all the radars on full alert. Keep them on and enjoy him until the klaxon starts wailing. Then move on. Learn to trust you judgement - listen to your inner voice.

Cabrinha Tue 24-Nov-15 23:44:00

Well, good on you for being brave and giving it a go!
All you can do is take things at your pace (presumably slowly) and:
1. Keep eyes open
2. Apply zero tolerance

Listen to your gut.
Tbh it's easy to find fault.
Personally I'm hmm at him insisting on paying - if he's over riding your wishes there, it's disrespectful.
But you seem to present it as a positive. We've all got different opinions on how a boyfriend should act!

Just be honest with yourself what your opinions are, and take no bullshit!

Seeyounearertime Tue 24-Nov-15 23:48:43

He sounds golden to me and exactly how I would behave on dates etc.

Maybe he's still single by 46 because he just didn't meet the right one yet? I don't think it s necessarily a bad thing or a flag. Did you ask him?

Bearhug12 Wed 25-Nov-15 00:32:53

He said he's had two long term relationships but I don't know why they ended. Will find out soon I guess. I can't help thinking 'if it seems too good to be true, then.....'

niceupthedance Wed 25-Nov-15 06:05:02

I think your skepticism is wise. How many times have you met this guy? Certainly sounds like he's trying to impress you - for what aim? People who are full on at the beginning usually have a purpose in mind. In my opinion.

Baconyum Wed 25-Nov-15 06:13:03

Wise to be wary (I'm the same as you abusive childhood nightmare marriage) but so far so good...

My uncle is a lovely man but reached his 50's without marrying/having kids of his own (sadly he'd have been a fantastic dad) then met his partner and was step dad to her 2 through teens (she's been a victim of horrific dv and her kids were traumatised he was great with them and they call him dad)

He'd been in a ltr with a commitment phobe woman (it's not always men) who then also cheated on him!

A friend was still single/no kids in late 30's that was because he'd been focused on caring for his disabled mum until she died and lots of women just weren't up for that situation. He's recently married with a stepson and baby on way.

Sometimes there's ok reasons why people don't settle down till later.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Wed 25-Nov-15 06:23:36

Yeah, I'd see the insisting on paying for everything as a red flag, tbh.

Just keep your wits about you and if things start to go awry, don't waste any time in ending it.

Until then, enjoy.

Topsy44 Wed 25-Nov-15 07:23:49

He sounds lovely. I definitely wouldn't see it as a red flag that he wants to pay for everything. He's just being a gentleman and wants to impress you.

Well done you on getting out there after having a very difficult past. It's very brave of you. Enjoy your present, we never know what the future will hold, just take things as they come and enjoy your relationship.

Wishing you all the best.

KinkyAfro Wed 25-Nov-15 11:00:21

I wouldn't see the paying for everything as controlling or a red flag, maybe he just wants to spoil you.

I hope he turns out as good as he seems OP smile

MrNoseybonk Wed 25-Nov-15 11:04:19

"If he's that bloody nice how come he's never married/no kids by 46?"

You mean just like all those horrible men remain single and childless? hmm

He shouldn't be paying for everything, though, especially not your taxi home, and you shouldn't let him.
It's not gentlemanly, it's buying favour.

Cabrinha Wed 25-Nov-15 15:56:45

It depends a bit on his attitude, the paying. If you say you prefer to pay your way and he insists, then yeah - I'd see that as a red flag.

A general point though... aren't we women lucky that we don't have to spend our money to show we're a good partner? confused

Or maybe the men are lucky that we don't have an easy but meaningless way to show we're interested?

Oh he may be lovely, and just generous. But - don't judge him positively for paying for a black cab. Far more positive is the (free) gesture of checking you get home OK.

For me, small gestures like not caring that your round was cheaper randomly is more important than buying champagne all night.

expatinscotland Wed 25-Nov-15 15:59:22

I would have done the Freedom Programme before dating again.

Jan45 Wed 25-Nov-15 16:16:55

He sounds lovely, maybe he's just a genuinely nice person.
I wouldn't let him pay my fare home either, that would make me feel pretty uncomfortable.
Him paying for everything else is fine though - he's old skool maybe, in those days men did pay.

Cabrinha Wed 25-Nov-15 16:27:47

He's 46. Men his age (my age) grew up with women who expected to see the pay gap close by the time we entered the workplace.

Coco7841 Wed 25-Nov-15 21:16:20

He sounds nice. So what if he wants to spoil you. If your happy fine, personally I'm a 50/50 person but each to their own.

MissApple Wed 25-Nov-15 21:30:03

Definitely keep the twat radar on for now - I wouldnt be happy to let him pay for everything - I would think he would want someting in return...

Atenco Thu 26-Nov-15 03:17:55

He sounds nice, but I've never trusted anyone who does that old fashioned gentlemanly stuff. I don't really understand why the man should pay for everything in the 21st Century

51howdidthathappen Thu 26-Nov-15 08:27:51

Met my current partner when we were both 48, neither of us have ever married, our choice. He has no kids, fertility issues, I have two, obviously no fertitly issues.
He would have paid for everything, it's the way he has always done things, but I prefer to pay my way, he likes and respects that.
We have been together nearly three years.
We plan to marry. For us the time is right smile

MrNoseybonk Thu 26-Nov-15 09:13:04

I was reading a thread on a mostly male forum regarding paying for dates and surprisingly almost all of the young guys - early 20s - would always pay 100% for dates and not let the woman pay.
The reasons given were mostly that it would be tight not to, and to set a good impression.
Funnily enough the older guys - 35+ said they would not insist but might do for the first date, with a few saying they would always expect 50:50 split and if a woman expected to be paid for they might see them as just after a free lunch.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 26-Nov-15 10:22:41

Stay alert, get to know him better, try different situations, see how he behaves towards others - waiters, children etc. how does he talk about women? As individuals, objects, types? Is he open and allowing time to gain your trust and get to know him, not hiding things?

I'm 42 and would find the paying for everything odd, more a my parents' generation idea, I'd be expecting to go halves or take turns after the first date. Not necessarily any harm in it but possibly indicative of an 'ownership' idea, possibly not. Would he be offended if you booked something for you both? Is there a financial disparity between you that he's happy to smooth over and just wants to be able to do nice things at this stage, rather than getting bogged down in practicalities?

Yes there are nice single men in their 40s. People who aren't fussed about 'settling down' and having children younger just don't have the drive to, well, settle, that many others do.

My own thoughts in any similar situation would be, is he a player who's a bit too good at the dating game, empathising, winning your confidence? No harm if you're playing the same game. Is he a sentimental fool with a romantic notion of how you are and a relationship might be? Lack of insight makes them hard work later and likely to drop you when they find you're not their princess. Is he lacking awareness of his own problems or behaviour, someone who's made the same mistakes a few times and still doesn't quite get it? If he ever talks about his exes, ask about their pov, how did he think it was for them, what did they say were the reasons. You might be able to deduce more from that than he has.

Cabrinha Thu 26-Nov-15 10:23:34

That's interesting.
Possibly a bit of the showy insecurity of youth, vs being more certain of what you want and what's important, with age?

Cabrinha Thu 26-Nov-15 10:24:05

Or maybe just by 35 all these used to be young 20s men have got wallet burn out from women expecting or accepting them to pay? grin

Atenco Thu 26-Nov-15 12:43:33

"Possibly a bit of the showy insecurity of youth" or the end of feminism

Still the most abusive partner I had expected me to pay for everything.

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