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Pregnant and I don't know whether to leave my younger "partner"

(10 Posts)
mnoonagla Tue 24-Nov-15 19:41:53

Hi girls,

I need some help with your opinions and experience.

I am 28, educated, with a good career and financial independence. 2 years ago I started a relationship with a man 5 years my junior, who is currently doing his Bachelor studies. During these 2 years, he was living at his parents' part of the time and crashing at mine the rest. It had its up and downs but we got on well in general. This summer I found out I was pregnant and I was actually quite happy about it because my age and my career situation makes it a very good time to have a child. He always claimed his parents, who live in the same city (Prague), would be very supportive if I were to get pregnant since they are in their 60s and want grandchildren. However, that's not how things developed. The first 3 months of my pregnancy he was acting out, begging me to have an abortion, threatening me, and even broke things around my house in anger. I was really pissed off but decided to wait to see if he would get better because I thought he might be in shock due to his age. Now I am in the 6th month and he doesn't throw tantrums anymore but he has done all of the following things:
- completely not helped me with anything: financial, emotional, or otherwise. Not even once bought something for me, asked me if I need help, come with me to the doctor or anything else;
- gone out and done recreational drugs;
- had flirts with other people, which I found on his phone, which he claimed were "jokes;"
- refused to consider getting a job to support us while I am on maternity leave (I have my own business and won't be receiving a big pay when I am not working);
- continuously talking that it is my responsibility to pay for everything and take care of expenses if I have decided to keep the kid.

I am a person very balanced in my judgement and would gladly share if he had done something nice for me in these past months, but he has not.

Needless to say, I have felt quite angry a lot of the time for this needless stress and I have decided to go back to my parents (who live in another EU country) for the remainder of my pregnancy, birth, and first few months of my son's life. I have their full support, thankfully.

I am a bit hesitant of uprooting my life here, because I have friends and a good set up here, and I don't want to alienate my "boyfriend" from his son. However, I am terrified after the baby is born I will just end up paying for and taking care of 3 people, while I need to be back at work fairly quickly. I frankly don't expect any changes from him, I feel it would get worse.

In your experience, is it possible that I am wrong and someone like him can change his behaviour/ himself once he is a father?

Thank you xx

CalypsoLilt Tue 24-Nov-15 20:22:51

You've definitely done the right thing......run! He sounds like an absolute nightmare.

I had similar narcissistic boyf, tantrums, sulks etc etc, got rid and haven't heard from him since. I'm 28 weeks preg.

SurlyCue Tue 24-Nov-15 20:27:21

Dump him and run! Dont expect any support from him financially though as i guarantee he is the type to say "I told you to abort, you chose to keep it, you pay for it"

In short, he's a dick. Seriously, drop him now and start preparing for your new life as a happy single parent. I am one and it is great.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 24-Nov-15 20:29:19

You are doing the right thing.

All my experience says that men like this get worse after they are a father.

Whythehellnot Tue 24-Nov-15 20:33:39

He's told you it's your responsibility to pay for everything and he has done nothing to help you. What more must he do for you to get the message?

I think you are right to go to your family for support and don't think twice about 'alienating' your bf. He's done that himself. What a horrible man.

springydaffs Tue 24-Nov-15 20:33:51

Oh gosh, totally get rid. In fact, smashing up the house was the deal breaker right back then, now he's a cocklodger. What a dick, get rid.

I'd also not be encouraging a relationship between him and your kid. Yes, kids need fathers but they need someone like this like a hole in the head.

Are you thinking of going to your parents to get much-needed support around the birth, or do you see it as a longer arrangement? Bcs there's no reason why you can't stay where you are - minus him of course. Sling him out, like, now.

WickedWax Tue 24-Nov-15 20:34:33

Start wrapping your head around the fact that you're going to be a single mum with no input, financial or otherwise, from him. He didn't want a baby, he doesn't want a baby, he extremely unlikely that he will change once baby arrives.

juneau Tue 24-Nov-15 20:43:22

I think its very unlikely indeed that he will change - in fact he may just go AWOL altogether once the baby arrives and where will that leave you?

Judge a person by what they do, not what they say. And look out for yourself and your DS. You're doing the right thing by going to your parents. You will need help and support and it doesn't look like Mr Immature is going to provide it - so go where you know you can count on people.

mnoonagla Tue 24-Nov-15 20:48:22

Thank you so much girls! I think it is just making this final cut with him that is a bit difficult. You are right, I cannot expect anything from him. I am just worried about two things:
- I have lived here for 6 years and have a life here, going home would be a great thing for 6-9 months but I also feel slightly defeatist about it/ worried I won't have a social life there;
- against my will, logic, and all sound judgement, I still have some feelings for him (otherwise I wouldn't be posting this, I guess).

That said, I know that once I leave (in 2 weeks), it should be easier to get it out of my system and I will also meet new friends, and especially moms, in my town. Btw, I am not scared of being a single mom at all- kudos to all amazing single moms out there!! (I was raised by one, too).

juneau Tue 24-Nov-15 22:36:12

Your feelings are entirely understandable - six years is no small amount of time and you will miss your friends - for sure. When you arrive back in your home country you'll need to reach out to old friends and also make an effort to make new ones. Go to antenatal classes, if you can, as it can be a good way to meet people. Find out about activities for mums and babies locally. Join a breastfeeding support group if you plan to breastfeed (La Leche League is worldwide and its how I met my best mum friends when I had my first child). Good luck - and congratulations flowers

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