Tips and advice for healthy dating / new relationships

[RedMapleLeaf]

There seem to have been quite a few threads recently were people have been hurt in the early weeks and months of a new relationship.

I wondered if it'd be worth sharing some words of wisdom for staying safe and secure whilst taking the risk of starting to let someone new in your life?

[TooSassy]

Ooooo.

I LIKE this idea.

At work, but one to pickup later

[FredaMayor]

My advice would be to use your loaf and to pay attention to detail.

[NoMoreMrRight]

Do not pay attention to anyone's words, do go by their actions instead.

Also, if you're wondering whether someone's into you or interested in you, they're not. If a man likes you/wants to see you, you'll know about it. Anything else. ...he's not that into you.

[NoMoreMrRight]

Oh and listen to your gut feeling; it's there for a reason and is rarely wrong. If something feels off, it likely is (you just don't know exactly why yet)

[RedMapleLeaf]

What do you mean by details Freda?

I'll add not rearranging your life around the new person. I don't mean obvious things like plans with your friends, but also keeping commitments that aren't really commitments, like the gym. Does that make sense?

[Bananalanacake]

Keep your own interests and social life, don't always be available to see them, see them once or twice a week in the first months, any more is stifling in my opinion.

[loveyoutothemoon]

Don't take any crap!

[maybeanotherdaysoon]

Be suspicious if it seems too good to be true. In my experience, if someone has ALL the same interests as you, agrees with everything you say, wants to be with you all the time and goes on about how being with you is better than any previous relationships, be wary.

Also, if someone badmouths their ex, that's something to wonder about.

[RedMapleLeaf]

see them once or twice a week in the first months

Oooh, that one could be tricky but then I realised that's like once at the weekend and once during the week, say, which seems very reasonable.

I'm not letting on my exact address.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Also, if someone badmouths their ex, that's something to wonder about.

Similarly the old advice to keep it short and sweet about your own past.

[Colourmylife1]

NoMoreMrRight I could not agree more. We should all put that on our fridge door. In any successful,meaningful relationship I have had the interest was absolutely clear right from the start. As others have said on here it just felt easy. This is hard to remember when we are desperate to have a relationship and are making excuses for why they haven't called, texted, arranged a date etc. My STBXH once flew across the world to see me just for a weekend. That was maybe a bit extreme but I still hold that as a benchmark of a guy's interest!

[Colourmylife1]

Sorry I meant what Nomore said about if you're wondering if someone's interested, they're not.

[Shinyhappypeople9]

Don't be afraid to end things if it's not working.

Don't over invest too early.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Don't over invest too early

What does early over-investment look like?

[noclueses]

I'm with NewTo, how do you know he's interested before you date him for a few months? One thing is instant lust and a guy who is very interested in having sex with you (even if he also likes you generally), and another interested in you as a person for a relationship as well as lust. Men who are experienced would never be too blatant and may play the game of having long chats and sharing your tastes etc, but it can all stop pretty sharpish once he slept with you after a chase, or he may just be interested in ongoing FWB.
So yes, I wish the posters who claim to always know someone's interested, would give a nit more detail! it would really be helpful.

[noclueses]

bit, not nit!

[NoMoreMrRight]

Re someone being clearly interested. ...for me is mainly him calling when he says he will, initiating contact as well as prioritising dates with me (ie making the time to see me; he still obviously needs to have his own life, interests etc). Someone who's thoughtful and doesn't only want to meet when there's sex on the cards. Someone who is interested in me and wants to get to know me as a person, and asks meaningful questions about myself.

[noclueses]

thanks NoMore, where did you usually meet men? problem with online dating is, some men just know how to pretend. It's so much better when you meet someone as a friend or colleague and they can show their consistency and their interest has a chance to grow. I think when you just meet online or in a pub, it's all about visual appeal/sense of humour at best but it's hard to get immediately interested in the whole person with a stranger. It's tough out there!

[BubsAndMoo]

Definitely agree with the keeping time to yourself advice, although I wouldn't subscribe to specific set limits, definitely don't let your own hobbies/friends/me time drop for any fledgling relationship.

Emotionally investing would be, your mood, or more worryingly your self esteem, being significantly affected by whether a date went well/whether he called/texted or not, spending time over analysing dates or messages, picturing too far ahead in the future etc.

Enjoy things in the moment for just what they are right now, not what they could possibly be in the future.

Be aware of your boundaries and what counts as red/yellow flags for you. If someone doesnt respect your boundaries or waves a yellow flag, don't be afraid to use clear, open honest (non-confrontational, non-accusatory) communication to get across what the issue is that you've noted and it's not ok with you for X reason. Decent people who are into you respond to that with an apology and will then respect boundary/alter behaviour. If they don't then there's a fundamental lack of comparability anyway.

If you spot a red flag don't second guess yourself or try to justify it. It's their loss. Bye bye. You don't need a fixer-upper.

If you're venturing out into the modern dating scene, educate yourself about "seduction philosophies" like The Game, Pick Up Artists etc so you can spot and immediately discount idiots who subscribe to them and see women as an inferior class to be caught and controlled for their own purposes. Don't engage with them, just delete/block and feel sorry for the sad delusional sods.

On the more positive side of things, remain open to new ideas/experiences and give anything a try once; be yourself, and have fun. Try not to be constrained by a narrow view of who you're looking for or what you're expecting.

A HIMYM rule that I stick to is not planning further ahead than the length of time you've been together. It's just unnecessary pressure.

[FredaMayor]

OP, by details I mean that if something bothers you about the person at the beginning, however small, it's not likely to go away. People very rarely change IME.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Run a mile from any man who tells you he's a "nice guy"

They never are.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Great post bubs (what does HIMYM stand for?).

I agree Freda we need to focus on what is and not what we hope to find.

[BubsandMoo]

Oh sorry HIMYM = How I Met Your Mother! Bit daft having a dating rule from a sitcom but it worked for me.

It did lead to my boyfriend accepting a wedding invite with me as a plus 1 several months before telling me about it! But I guess if we hadn't still been together he'd have taken someone else.