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how to handle husband

(64 Posts)
pissedonatrain Tue 24-Nov-15 10:53:47

DH and I have been married 10 years. We separated in August but are still living in the same house.

He tells me he wants to move out and be single but still be married. I found it really insulting him commenting about how he didn't really appreciate being single when he was.

So I said does that mean I can move on and date and he told me no, as we're still married.

So it seems to me he wants to move out and do what he wants as a single man, but I'm not allowed to do anything.

heavens2betsy Tue 24-Nov-15 10:59:13

Tell him to bugger off - he wants to have his cake and eat it.
Selfish arse.

Oliversmumsarmy Tue 24-Nov-15 11:00:02

Think you need to spell it out to him that if he wants to move on that is fine but then what you do is no longer any concern of his. You don't need his permission to start dating again. What on earth makes him think that it is?

Seeyounearertime Tue 24-Nov-15 11:03:44

So I said does that mean I can move on and date and he told me no, as we're still married

At which point you say,
"We're separated and I'll do exactly as I choose, when I choose and you can eat a bale of hay you son of a bitch"
Or words to those effect.

Then go find someone who will appreciate you, not dictate what you can and can't do etc.

angemorange Tue 24-Nov-15 11:06:57

Something similar happened to a friend of mine - her husband left her and two DCs as he didn't "feel he had dated enough women" when he was single.

He moved out and guess what - no dates/women would touch him. Ended up in a tiny flat and used to beg her to have him round on Christmas Day as he'd nowhere to go!

My friend focused on her DCs until they were a bit older then asked for a divorce and started dating again.

MrNoseybonk Tue 24-Nov-15 11:09:21

"So I said does that mean I can move on and date"

Why did you even ask? You asked him permission and he denied you it.
Don't ask, it's not his permission to give.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 24-Nov-15 11:13:01

OMG - is he always this controlling?
That is sooooo wrong!
Tell him to FOTTFSOF and when he gets there he can fuck off some more.
So HE wants his cake and eat it but you just get the shit stick!

As you are separated I hope you aren't doing any of his washing, cooking, cleaning, dishes, ironing, shopping etc.....

Please do your best to remove yourself from this situation asap.
It's doing you no good at all.

What are your plans for separating properly?
He's a selfish wanker, BTW and you are much better off without him.

Get out there and start dating. It's not up to HIM anymore.

Buttercup443 Tue 24-Nov-15 11:17:08

Why did you ask him in the first place? Did you intend to rile him or rub it in?

Just get on with your business as you're separated.

Drew64 Tue 24-Nov-15 11:21:14

Well either I've missed something or your not relaying the conversation accurately.

You said;
"He tells me he wants to move out and be single but still be married"

He want to be SINGLE. To me that's alone, not in a relationship. Single!

Definition of single is;

unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship.
"a single mother"
synonyms: unmarried, unwed, unwedded, unattached, free, without a partner/husband/wife, wifeless, husbandless, spouseless, partnerless, a bachelor, a spinster; on the shelf; archaicsole
"is she single?"

I think YOU maybe mean single and dating. Just be sure this is what your STBXH meant to before commenting.

Regardless of the situation you both find yourselves in, you are separated, so you should feel free to do as you please.

pissedonatrain Wed 25-Nov-15 03:04:40

No, definitely not being his skivvy.

He seems to think he can comment and dictate on everything I do like he had a go at me for buying myself some cheap earrings and then he brings up a conversation between me and my sister which I even went outside to talk on the phone and he was eavesdropping on me.

and he calls ME controlling.

I think telling him FOTTFSOF

I boggle.

fshock << Look, there's me boggling.

I just don't get how that conversation could have been uttered with a straight face.

And the controlling stuff! Flippin'eck.

FTFO, etc, seems like the way to go.

BTW, loving morange's story. fgrin

pissedonatrain Wed 25-Nov-15 07:15:35

He'll probably end up like moragne's friend's xh

I suspect his head has been turned by someone online. He seems to be overly smug about his perceived value as a catch.

If so, hope she enjoy's the dirty, boring, lazy, unemployed, man-child

Keeptrudging Wed 25-Nov-15 07:19:47

In which case I think you should be very supportive and help him pack (then change the locks). I think you deserve better (and are more likely to find it than him). flowers

TaintForTheLikesOfWe Wed 25-Nov-15 07:33:40

I would be seeing this as a positive too! Get him the fuck out. Take this chance! Stop asking for permission for things. In fact stop talking to him. Get a solicitor once he's out and be happy. What a pillock!

Cabrinha Wed 25-Nov-15 07:56:08

So why hasn't one of you moved out yet?

pissedonatrain Wed 25-Nov-15 08:01:00

Keep waiting for him to move out like he says he wants to but there is always some excuse.

I like this house and I'm not leaving.

Keeptrudging Wed 25-Nov-15 08:03:02

Is it in your name? If it is, can you not just put his stuff out as a way of encouraging him? Has he go somewhere else he can go meantime?

pissedonatrain Wed 25-Nov-15 08:06:32

No, he doesn't have anywhere to go.

SuperFlyHigh Wed 25-Nov-15 08:11:13

So what if he has nowhere to go should've thought of that before shouldn't he....

Men say they have nowhere to go but it's amazing how a coworker, friend, guilible new woman etc come to the rescue with a spare bed/sofa which is the most he deserves

Marilynsbigsister Wed 25-Nov-15 08:14:51

I understand you can't do anything to move him out, as you are married and therefore house as much his as yours. However as you 'separated' earlier this year, how has this manifested itself ? Do you feed him from your money or does he do that out of his unemployment benefit (is he claiming as a single person ?) is he contributing towards the rent/mortgage. Are there children of the marriage ? - until you divorce, you are kind of stuck with him if he doesn't want to move. - except if you have grounds for occupation order (dv etc) .

I would press on with divorcing the self absorbed arse. DIY divorce is not difficult and the court fees can be exempted or reduced if you are on a low income.. But it sounds like time to crack on with it and get him out of the same space.

differentnameforthis Wed 25-Nov-15 08:33:38

I wouldn't be surprised if he has someone else already. Or, al least, has his eye on someone.

ravenmum Wed 25-Nov-15 09:10:51

My husband wanted me and him to live together "like brother and sister" in our house (while he continued his relationship with his affair partner, as I found out later). I said this wouldn't work and asked him to leave - we both agreed it was the best arrangement - but he used my guilty feelings about upsetting the children to linger on three months and would have stayed longer, even after I discovered the affair.

In the end I had to resort to making it so uncomfortable for him that he decided it was worth finding himself a flat after all. So when I was awake in the middle of the night I shared that with him by coming down for a chat. Instead of going out of his way when he was sitting watching TV I came and sat right up close, put my hand on his knee. Didn't take long before he started shouting at me that I was "mad" and found a new place within two weeks. (As I'd been telling him that I felt like I was going mad having him around, I felt like replying "Finally it's got through!")

Invite a nice big group of friends round and have a loud party. Have a different date visit you every night of the week. Ask your mother to stay for a month.

pissedonatrain Wed 25-Nov-15 09:20:20

Really they certainly have a lot of cheek to think we'll be ok with the brother sister thing while they are out living the single life.

I wonder what he would have done if you had started dating while he was still living there?

In my case, he has already disrupted my life enough and I'm not going to move out of a place I like and want to stay.

I intend to make things uncomfortable for him.

pissedonatrain Wed 25-Nov-15 09:21:39

And he supports himself with unemployment benefits. There are no children. Unfortunately in this country, we have to have been separated for a year before I can file.

FredaMayor Wed 25-Nov-15 15:00:41

Wholeheartedly agree with ravenmum, have your mum to stay until he leaves, which won't be long.

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