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Is this an abuser ?

(108 Posts)
LostSoul74 Tue 24-Nov-15 00:39:45

I posted this is Mental Health but after the replies I got..Im now think that whats actually happening is that Im being manipulated

Apologies but this may be long sad

several months ago I met a guy who seemed really into me...after talking a lot online (we met through a shared interest) we arranged to meet as I discovered he lived locally...
after the first meeting he made it clear he was interested in me but that he couldnt offer a relationship right now and wasnt after something serious.
We lapsed into a friends with benefits arrangement but as time went on, we spent more time together talking about stuff, watching films etc and not sleeping together so I knew he wasnt just after sex, but I noticed his moods were erractic, sometimes he would be charming and lovely, othertimes almost hostile.
I could be round his one eve and he would be telling me how much he cared about me, liked me etc and we would end up in bed, then the next morning it would be as if he couldnt stand the sight of me.
I was bemused by the fact that at 40 years old he seemed isolated, didnt have friends and relied a lot on his parents, he eventually told me he had bi polar but would not treat it which was a worry.
From that point on life with him has been a rollercoaster where one minute he treats me as though Im his girlfriend and really important to him, then next, he will ignore me for a few days with just the odd fb message.
He constantly tells me that we are not together as it were and that he doesnt DO relationships because of his mental health etc..I have accepted that but our friendship has become very close and I usually stay round there at least two nights a week.
Recently I went abroad for a week and I think this made him anxious as he was very lovey dovey with me and even drove me to the airport.
Whilst I was away he messaged constantly and as I was preparing to fly home, messaged saying He would always be my friend for life and that his best thoughts were mine. He told me to hurry up and get home as it was too quiet without me
He collected me from the airport and fussed over me all evening, hugging and kissing me lots saying he had missed me..
fast forward two days..he literally kicked me out of the house..it felt so confusing..I have also recently been diagnosed with a long term health problem which he was supporting me with,
I messaged him the next night and said I was in hospital and he didnt even seem bothered.
Eventally I called round his at the weekend to find him wrapped in a duvet watching films, he looked annoyed I was there but made me a coffee..(he has told me that I am always welcome round his and that his home is my home, he leaves his back door open so I can just walk in )
After a while he said he was sorry but he had had enough of people and was feeling anti social..he said it wasnt personal but asked me to leave.
The next day, I felt worried about him, so called in..he said "Why are you here ?" I said I was worried about him and he started getting uppity saying, more like you came round because you wanted to see me..why are you always calling round? Im not your boyfriend you know Ive spelt that out to you...I hope you arent seeing more in this than there is ..
I was pretty upset by that statement as I know full well he isnt my boyfriend but understandably Im very fond of him.
I tried to explain that I was worried and he started ranting at me saying..why ?? you just called round here to reassure yourself...I told you I didnt want to see anyone yet you still come round!!!
He then proceeded to yell at me saying "This is the exact reason I didnt want people round because I lose my temper and get angry, I told you to stay away and you ignored me " I ended up bursting into tears and he just shouted saying "stop making it a drama!"..as he slowly calmed down he said..I dont think any less of you..you are one of the best people I know..up there with my parents, but seriously, dont ever do this to me again" he then politely asked me to leave, but as I went he said...."look if you really need me, message me, but failing that Ill be in touch in a few days "
I left feeling bereft and upset because I see he is online on facebook (before he goes to work) and is commenting on lots of things, also he is young looking for his age and very attractive so younger women flock round him and he flirts back with them online.

I dont really know what to do as it seems like he cares about me one minute but not the next but I dont want to walk away because I think he needs the friendship sad

Destinysdaughter Tue 24-Nov-15 00:45:43

I think you will end up in a world of pain if you stay with this man. He's not going to treat you well, his illness will also make him v unstable. All I can say is cut your losses now and walk away. You'll regret it if you don't. If he has problems it's up to him to try and fix them. You can't so don't attempt to rescue him as you'll just be dragged down with him. He may be good looking but he's a troubled soul. Danger signs are flashing...!

NotQuiteSoOnEdge Tue 24-Nov-15 00:47:00

Abusive? Who knows? However, you need to walk right away and never go back. Seriously.

While he fills your headspace with his pick you up, put you down routine you are missing out on all the more healthy people around you, one of whom might just be worth you giving your attention to. This man, not so much!

Run away, block, and leave him to it.

Walkacrossthesand Tue 24-Nov-15 00:53:50

Does he need friendship? Or does he need a range of people in his life that he can pick up & put down on a whim... and that's not friendship, is it?

You can walk away with a clear conscience - never mind all his guff about 'next thing to family', you being 'there' for him won't sort him out, will it, and it's damaging you. Make your excuses and leave, as they say.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 24-Nov-15 03:39:53

His rapid mood swings aren't consistent with bipolar disorder.

In any event, you're best advised to leave him to his own devices as he can't be relied on for anything other than stressing you out and it's probable that any health issues you have will get worse if you continue to engage with him.

DiscoDiva70 Tue 24-Nov-15 03:57:58

I'd say he's making this 'bipolar' thing up and using it as an excuse to keep you at arms length.

Imo he's basically using you and is only 'nice' to you when he wants sex. It's obvious he has no respect for you so don't be his 'piece of meat' anymore, you deserve better

Saltfish Tue 24-Nov-15 04:45:28

Sounds more like borderline personality disorder...

goddessofsmallthings Tue 24-Nov-15 04:58:08

It sounds to me that he's a selfish twunt who's been over-indulged by his dps and he's found it expedient to claim to have a mental illness in order to conduct his relationships with others on his terms.

Does he have a full job and does his work involve interacting with colleagues and clients on a daily basis?

Ughnotagain Tue 24-Nov-15 04:58:21

Please walk away from this man.

Your doubts are justified. Bipolar or not, he's an arsehole.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 24-Nov-15 04:58:35

full time job

Fluffybrain Tue 24-Nov-15 05:24:18

Yes he's abusive. He's abusing you. He's doing it purposefully. He enjoys upsetting you. He gets his kicks out of controlling you and making you feel like shit. If you want to know why he does all the this he does read the book "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Then cut all contact with him. You deserve better. Give yourself a better life and spend your time and energy with people who are consistently kind to you and appreciate you. I've been where you are. I walked away. It was really bloody hard but it was the right thing to do and I'm much better off now. You only get one life.

Bigpants4 Tue 24-Nov-15 07:03:56

Put his needs aside. They are variable and any relationship will be on his terms completely 100%

More importantly what are your needs? What do you need from a friendship? Will you get what you need out of a relationship with him? Already you are hurt. Why do you feel the need to play the martyr or save him?

Do you have a proper understanding of his condition? Have you read up about it enough?

He has got people in his life. His parents. Also you met him online and you have no idea how honest he is being with you about his life. He might not be isolated.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 24-Nov-15 07:09:55

His behaviour is horrible, cruel and abusive. The why is irrelevant really. Do yourself a favour and cut this 'friendship' out.

Bigpants4 Tue 24-Nov-15 07:11:04

Also in no shape or form can you expect to change him! So if he's hot tempered, flirting on line and having relationships with people for sex, that's who he is. You need to accept that won't change.

Bigpants4 Tue 24-Nov-15 07:11:39

You can't save him

Bigpants4 Tue 24-Nov-15 07:14:51

What do you need out of a friendship/relationship? Loyalty, consistency, a meeting of souls, caring, kindness

Flipper934 Tue 24-Nov-15 07:50:17

I have had a very similar experience, but it lasted over 18 months. There are big bits of your post that I could have written, word for word.

No one here can tell you whether this man's behaviour is down to his mental health or not. Regardless of the underlying cause, however, this sort of pull-push dynamic is abusive. It is already leaving you confused, and will chip away at you more and more.

I don't know if he is deliberately trying to control you or be cruel to you, but that is the end result.

Your friendship alone will not help him. Allowing him to continue like this is enabling him.

The saddest thing is that, if this is due to a mental health condition, he could change, if he was prepared to commit to treatment. I don't know if I'm supposed to mention other websites, but you might find reading one or other of the bipolar support forums helpful (there are discussions about varying presentations and possible comorbidities).

forumdonkey Tue 24-Nov-15 07:51:36

Read you OP back and it's all about him and how he's feeling. You go on holiday and he's all over you because he misses you but when you are in hospital he's not bothered.

He's only bothered how HE is feeling not you or your feeling.

LostSoul74 Tue 24-Nov-15 08:18:47

Thank you everyone..I must admit that I had thought more borderline personality disorder..I can confirm that he is isolated and I suspect that it is because of his behaviour..people just walk away. Its nit about sex as much as mairily of the time when we hang out ..it's just company..but I suspect that he is using me for company when he feels lonely ..I usually always stay round there twice a week..so far he hasn't spoken to me for a couple of days and I'm actually thinking that he may have dispensed with me for good this time..I do feel pretty upset about it...because I thought a lot of him..I noticed he was online last night but still didn't speak to me...

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy Tue 24-Nov-15 08:18:59

A member of my family (aunt) is in a relationship with a man like this. In her case, he has no formal diagnosis or medication but has just decided he is bipolar. He uses it as an excuse to be an arse and my aunt has ended up on tenterhooks around him, desperately trying to keep him calm and happy so as not to irritate his illness
I have worked in mental health support, and although bipolar clearly exists, it's a convenient illness for abusive men.

This man is treating you awfully, whether through illness or not. He is never going to make you feel comfortable and happy, you can't depend on him at all. Run for the hills without a backward glance.

spanisharmada Tue 24-Nov-15 08:29:50

Who do you like more, him or yourself? If it's you just walk away. If it's him, have a look into co-dependant behaviour, this kind of fuckwittery is setting you up for it perfectly if you don't cut your loses (and trust me, it's shit)

LostSoul74 Tue 24-Nov-15 08:30:18

Thank you..I do know he had some kind of breakdown years ago...he us very good at coming across as a lovely charming nan..then snaps and changes..this time last week he was all over me like a rash..now it seems he wants nothing more to do with me..is this the case ? I need to prepare myself in case he gets back in touch

LaContessaDiPlump Tue 24-Nov-15 08:37:34

When he gets back in touch, you need to prepare yourself to say the words:

This isn't working for me. I don't think we should see each other any more. All the best, LostSoul.

Then prepare yourself for the flood of messages that start out desperate and sad and apologetic but then turn into melodramatic sad-filled rants/bitter anger-filled rants about how terrible you are for not relenting.

If you can hold fast through all of that and not engage, then hopefully he'll give up and move onto an easier target.

I'm sorry, it is hard and unfair for you.

LostSoul74 Tue 24-Nov-15 08:39:57

Thank you Contessa. .do you think he will get back in touch ? I'm wondering if he's already found another target ... (must have been quick thpugh as he hadn't thus time last week )

LaContessaDiPlump Tue 24-Nov-15 08:44:04

Yes, I'm pretty confident he will at some point. You've known him for several months, he's got you trained to accept and forgive his erratic behaviour - I anticipate that you will be thought of as a back-up option for a few months yet.

Obviosuly I don't know this guy but people don't treat people they respect the way this guy treats you. It sounds like he doesn't respect you much at all, but that doesn't mean you're not useful as a f***buddy.

Please bear in mind that none of what I've said above reflects on you, in any way. He will be treating you like this because it suits him to, not because you have done anything at all to deserve it. You need to classify it in your head as HIS problem, and walk away. You've not done anything wrong here.

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