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So we've decided to split, what do I need to do?

(16 Posts)
WhatAm1doing Mon 23-Nov-15 22:25:24

Have name changed as i Am after advice please, been married 23 years together 25. We've grown further and further apart. I've been so unhappy these last 5 or so years just floating along for the kids with nothing between us. Summer was awful, 2 week holiday were he didn't want to do anything me and dd did (ds was away so only the 3 of us ).

We had a talk 5 weeks ago when I told him I wasn't happy anymore and why, we agrees that it wasn't working and that he needed to reconnect a bit more with the family, he's been like a lodger not communicating with anyone focused on his computer for hours etc.

We've agreed that after Christmas we'll split, but this is where I need advice I don't know what to do now, how do we do this? We've talked about money, he's spoken to a friend who has a spare room he can rent in the short term.

How do I go about this, what do I need to do .

Sorry this is a bit disjointed not sure what I need to ask.

Hillfarmer Mon 23-Nov-15 22:50:50

Hi OP,

Sorry you're going through this. It is difficult to put one foot in front of the other some days, just keep finding the next thing and do that, try not to look too far ahead or it will all seem too big.

The next step for you is to find a solicitor and they will give you a preliminary list of what you need to do. Professional advice is there to tell you things you don't know and that you don't need to know until you need them, if you get my drift. Don't expect too much of yourself. Don't expect to know stuff -you're probably still a bit shattered finding yourself in this situation. Find someone you trust, and let them take the strain of legal steps etc.

Do talk to a friend or someone in RL, if you haven't already. It will help to ease the feeling of unreality. There is no shame in ending a relationship, especially as you seem to have tried and he hasn't. Don't feel guilt and don't take on the shame/responsibility that he should be feeling.

Worth finding a family lawyer now, as after Christmas is their busy time.

Best of luck to you.

Goodbetterbest Mon 23-Nov-15 23:24:27

Hi OP, it sounds fairly amicable for now.

Many solicitors offer a free half hour. If you don't have a recommendation, meet with a few and see who you gel with.

A family solicitor may well be part of a network and be able to recommend a mediator. Sounds as though this might be a feasible path in working out a fair deal.

I would start compiling a very comprehensive list of outgoings, a budget and a file of all paperwork (mortgage statements, joint accounts, pensions, savings, marital assets).

Have a look on to see if there are any benefits you can claim (at the very least you may be able to get a reduction on your council tax).

All these things can be done quietly and discreetly. Build up a picture of marital assets, personal assets and a projection of what you will likely need for the future (including retirement).

I'm just coming out the other end, about to apply for my Absolute. It's had it's ups and downs but it's been manageable and I'm doing ok, and most importantly, the children are.

pocketsaviour Mon 23-Nov-15 23:26:13

There are a number of ways to proceed depending on what's best for both of you but also for your DC.

How old are the DC? Are they in private school or state?
Do you both work? What are both your salaries?
Do you own or rent? If you own, how much equity is in the house?
Do you have any other assets, either of you (because they will be marital assets and that means they get split.) This includes other properties, businesses, cars, yachts, savings accounts, stocks and bonds.
Do you both have pensions you've been paying into?

Take this information to a local solicitor - you should be able to find someone who does a free first initial consultation if you have a ring round. They can tell you your options.

It does sound like it's fairly amicable, so if you can do the majority of financial agreements yourselves, it will save you both money. But both of you should see a solicitor just so you know where you stand and you feel confident you're not being taken for a ride by the other.

Justaboy Mon 23-Nov-15 23:36:02

Sorry to hear that your splitting but it does seem you've considered it carefully.

As other have said a good solicitor for advice is the best thing you can do.

This site is very good it explains a lot about the different aspects of the whole process.

WhatAm1doing Tue 24-Nov-15 16:59:53

Thank you all for your replies, been in work. To answer some of the questions I've been entitled to and have an idea of what I'm entitled to, child tax credits and council tax relief while I work i only work tErm time so am under the £16k threshold , even with the cuts I'd appear to end up getting £99 per week.

Fortunatly I control all the banking and finances pay all bills and have the only access to the on line banking, so not worried about any of that.

We own the house and have about £60K left on it with about 6 years to go, if we sold we'd make about £130k. We discussed not selling until the mortgage is finished and then splitting the money, by that point dd would be 18 and off to uni, but as I pointed out (d)h would be 60 and may struggle to get a mortgage. To me it makes sense to sell now and both buy something else we could each afford a small 2 bed in a not bad area with a small mortgage, but should it be 50/50 or 60/40 if kids stay with me which would make sense as I'm around more than he is.

I think I need to see a solicitor or the cab which is better?

Again thank you so much for the advice

Goodbetterbest Tue 24-Nov-15 17:38:07

I have a 70/30 split plus a share of his pension. Any spousal maintenance will affect future WTC, but a solicitor can word a court order to cover this.

I would definitely say solicitor. Mediator and solicitor was how we did it, fairly painlessly. Mediator was all about 'fairness' and the solicitor was about nailing it down and ensuring the children and I weren't taken for mugs.

No matter how fair I was, he still thinks about the children's maintenance as giving ME money and he resents it, even if I did bend over backwards. Cover yourself and your child for now and the future. It doesn't have to be awful.

Justaboy Tue 24-Nov-15 21:52:50

I'd recommend a solicitor and the mediation option is a good one. If you can, and its very difficult keep the lines of communication open, the more you can agree on the less overall grief is likely to ensue and with that expense!

WhatAm1doing Wed 25-Nov-15 18:31:14

I'm going to struggle to see a solicitor as I'm in work when they are and I don't get holiday. How quickly do I need to do it? I honestly don't think he'll be difficult. But then who knows. He's very keen to keep the house as he sees that as our biggest asset and it is, but trying to be practical would we be better off selling now and splitting the difference when we both stand a change of getting a small mortgage or wait until dd currently 13 has left home and the mortgage is paid off? From my point of view that's not a good idea for him as he'll be 60 and less likely to get a mortgage but his parents are elderly and loaded so he may have come into money by then.

What does mediation entail?

Goodbetterbest Wed 25-Nov-15 22:54:41

Mediation: we looked at marital assets, what everything was worth, and how it could be broken up fairly. It was lead by us, with the mediators guidance and was very much about 'what felt fair'. We didn't talk about access to the children - and I regret that. It as very much identifying the elements of our situation and laying them open for divvying up.

WhatAm1doing Thu 26-Nov-15 07:10:48

Ok so that sounds ok. I had visions of someone trying to tell me it would be all ok and just to talk everything through. We have had a conversation about stuff, ie what's his and what's ours and how we split it. Access to the kids I think is up to him and the kids. They are 13 and 16 and will do what they want, whilst this 3 month between talking and agreeing he was going is killing me it's been great for his relationship with kids especially DS so it's been the right thing to do. The hard part is going to be telling the kids after Xmas that it's all been a lie. Ds knows how bad it had got but I think he's hoping now it's all back to normal as everyone is talking again.

Granville72 Thu 26-Nov-15 10:09:15

I know you say it's difficult to get to see a solicitor but, please go and have your free half hour. Explain to work what is happening and why you need an hour off. I am sure they will be very understanding, and it will put you (and them) in good stead for when the split happens and greater understanding and some support if you need to take more time off or are feeling down.

Split the accounts if you don't already have separate accounts and a household account.

Speak to the childrens teachers as well so they are aware of them being down or their work suffering.

And sell the house, if you are splitting then unless you can buy him out then there is not much point keeping it until the mortgage is paid off.

I've been through it twice, thankfully only once with a child involved and that was in March. It is a hard time, especially on the children, but at least yours are older and will understand a little better what is happening and why.

Justaboy Thu 26-Nov-15 13:41:52

I think you will find that if sort of "push comes to shove" the children's interests preclude much else over how he and thee might feel!

But you will need some legal advice and input so get whatever you can afford. It might come as a surprise that between you, you are responsible for their well being up to 19 years old or after they have left sixth form college.

Goodbetterbest Thu 26-Nov-15 15:16:33

Mediation isn't therapy so there's no point taking grievances into the room - hard though it is. It isn't easy, but it's kinder all round. The children knew what we were doing and it really did keep things smooth.

We told the kids after Christmas, of course they were upset but we've been as gentle as we can. It didn't come as a surprise. I think as long as they see you are moving forward and treating each other with a degree of civility, kindness even, it makes a huge difference.

I wish we had sorted access then and there though. I want to go back to mediation as XH refuses to give any structure and doesn't see te children equally which is upsetting. He also refuses to have them all to stay at his, insisting he comes and stays in my house to be with them. I hate it.

Tread carefully, hold your ground and stay positive is my advice.

WhatAm1doing Fri 27-Nov-15 16:52:45

Thank you all so much. I'm really struggling at the minute with him being here. It's so bad I nearly cried in work. I may make an appointment to see Dr next week and get some time off so could see someone then.

To be honest i have no grievances except what I've told him and there is no other reason to bring up. I just want to do the right thing. I'm happy to sell as I think it will be easier he was very much against it due to reasons I've stated. Not sure how this will work. Would a solicitor explain best split etc am assuming 60/40 or more in my favour.

How do you think access would be sorted based on kids ages;?

Justaboy Fri 27-Nov-15 21:16:18

No hard and fast rules but most of the time the woman takes charge of the children and will of course need some where to live and that's usually the martial home. It sometimes is the case that you can use that until they leave home or attain the age of 19 and then you might have to sell it between you.

Generally speaking any court will be mainly concerned with the children's welfare first and the parents second. As to the roof over your head if there are sufficient marital assets floating around such as you can sell and split the proceeds and Both be accommodated then they will look to see if that can be done, but the person looking after the children, usually the mother will get priority in housing.

You really need to see a solicitor and soon as you can to get a firmer picture where you stand. i think from what I've heard of it all your position to stay in the marital home and keep the children there is quite good.

BUT I am not a lawyer! I'm only going on my past experiences!

Have a read thru this.

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