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Looking for opinions

(23 Posts)
maa9144 Mon 23-Nov-15 21:24:10

Hi Everyone,

I could use your help. I have been dating a divorced man exclusively for four months. I like him a lot. I have a 6 year old daughter and he has two teenage daughters. He has asked me to meet my daughter several times and i have told him I think it is too early. He has never asked me to meet his daughters. My daughter does not know he exists and I'm sure his daughters don't know about me. A friend said to me today she would be concerned that the relationship isn't going anywhere since his daughters don't even know I exist. Do you all think this is true?. I just don't want to waste my time. Any advice is appreciated

pocketsaviour Mon 23-Nov-15 21:31:37

Hmm. I would be asking him why he wants to meet your DD but hasn't mentioned you meeting his.

However it could be if they're older teens that he doesn't have that much contact with them and wouldn't be concerned about their reaction? Does he see them a lot?

If he asked about meeting your DD then I would think that's a good sign. But I would probably want to wait until about 6 months or so.

maa9144 Mon 23-Nov-15 21:39:54

Thanks so much for responding. He has them 50 percent of the time and is very involved with them. I have my DD six days a week and so that limits our time together. Their mom has had a boyfriend for several years that they will not meet and I wonders of he thinks they will refuse to meet me. What my friend said concerned me because I agree they should at least be aware he is seeing someone. If they can't handle that I don't see how put relationshipThanks so much for responding. He has them 50 percent of the time and is very involved with them. I have my DD six days a week and so that limits our time together. Their mom has had a boyfriend for several years that they will not meet and I wonders of he thinks they will refuse to meet me. What my friend said concerned me because I agree they should at least be awAre he is seeing someone. If they can't handle that Then I don't see how our relationship can progress

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 23-Nov-15 21:45:15

You are right, 4 months is too soon to meet a 6yo especially for a relationship that already smells like it might not last. You only see each other once a week too, right?

You say he has asked you several times if he can meet your DD. How long had you been seeing each other when he first asked? Why does he keep asking when you've already told him it is too soon?

BitOutOfPractice Mon 23-Nov-15 21:46:02

I think being cautious and sensible about meetings each other's kids is a good sign the relationship will last. I get sick and tired of reading bout women introducing their kids to men after 5 minutes then wondering why everyone is upset when it doesn't work out.

Take your time op. It is entirely 100% up to you when and if you introduce your DC to him. Not his decision. Not your friend's

TooSassy Mon 23-Nov-15 21:48:54

OP you're confusing me.

You say your daughter doesn't know about him but you think his daughters should know about you??? Why are the two circumstances any different? You think it's too soon for him to meet your DD but again different for his daughters. Why?

I'd potentially argue that teenage girls are likely to be much more sensitive to meeting someone new.

Also. He's been content with seeing you exclusively (is he exclusive also?) once a week for 4 months. That sounds pretty dedicated to me.

I'd ask him outright why he wants to meet your DD. I'd imagine he may want to increase the amount he sees you? And then I'd ask him outright if he intends on introducing you to his DD's. Based on what he says, take it from there.

Your friend is being totally off IMO.

maa9144 Mon 23-Nov-15 21:57:25

Thanks for all the responses. Everyone has been really helpful. I haven't told my daughter about him because The fact that his daughter's don't know about me makes me wonder if it is going somewhere.

He is devoted to his daughters and Based on their refusal to meet their mom's partner I know it may be hard on them to be told he is dating

However for me to feel we are moving forward I need to feel that we are being incorporated into each other's lives.

He knows he will see me more if he meets my daughter as I have her six days a week but I want to make sure we are going somewhere before he meets her.

To add to this I am 41 and divorced and very sensitive to the idea of wasting my time with someone who has no intention of creating a life together which is what I want.

TooSassy Mon 23-Nov-15 22:47:03

OP.

This is the chicken and the egg. Horse and cart.
Who goes first.

You're not wrong to take it slow by the way. 4 months in I wouldn't be introducing anyone to my DC's and they certainly wouldn't be sleeping over etc to be seen in the morning. I'm totally with you on that.

You need to talk to him openly about this.
You'll both be cautious. You'll both be putting your DC's first. This is a good thing. There may be a way through. Talk.

Joysmum Mon 23-Nov-15 22:52:04

Surely the first step is not meeting each other's kids, but raising the idea that you are dating.

You don't say you're dating one week and then have them meeting your new beau the next. It'll take a while from being told before they get used to the idea and are curious enough to want to meet.

maa9144 Mon 23-Nov-15 22:54:23

Thanks so much. Do you think it is too soon to raise these concerns?. Since we have only been exclusive. 4 months. I think I would feel better if at least his daughters knew he was dating.

pocketsaviour Mon 23-Nov-15 23:19:22

I think he should tell his DDs that he has met someone. As teenagers they should technically be better able to handle this than your child, who is more likely to be a bit confused, especially if he's the first relationship you've had since you split with her dad.

Thinking about my experience with this, I introduced my DS, who was 14, to my partner about 2 months after we met. It wasn't ideal, but the circumstances made the introduction necessary (very long story.) OTOH my ex's DD, who was also 14, did not want to meet me until we had been seeing each other for over a year. His sons met me after about 6 months but they were 18, 22 and 24 so a bit more able to cope with that kind of thing.

TBH if his DDs have known for years that their mum has a partner but refused to meet him, I think they're being a bit precious. By now if I was their mum I'd be laying it down - I have a new partner and he's coming round for dinner and you're going to say hello.

maa9144 Tue 24-Nov-15 00:09:39

Pocketsavior I totally agree with you. It seems there is an attempt by he and his ex to prevent either of their daughters from ever being upset. Do you think me asking why his daughters aren't aware of him dating is too much to ask a partner of 4 months?

Cabrinha Tue 24-Nov-15 06:59:38

Of course it's not too much to ask! Just to ask why they're not aware? Presumably you're having sex with this man? How can you be having sex with someone you can't just ask "so how come you feel you can't tell them?"

I have an eerily similar mix of ages as you, except my widower boyfriend has his daughters full time.

I honestly think people can be far too precious about boyfriends and new partners.

We model behaviour for our kids - what is wrong with modelling reality, that boyfriends come and go? I certainly don't think every boyfriend should be introduced and treated as "my new daddy". But I'm fine with kids knowing that adults date, and sometimes that works out and sometimes it doesn't. My daughter knows that dating is about getting to know someone, and very often you decide they're not for you. Her first relationships will be like that - I'm totally happy with her being shown it's OK to change your mind about someone!

The trick is, I think, not dragging them into it too far.

My current boyfriend had told his teenage girls about me after a first date. We were both doing OLD and his late teenage daughter was debating my merits over another woman - just a hobby thing, nothing ridiculously over involved. Didn't mean she had to meet me. But surely it's better to be open that you're dating rather than have a 'thou shalt not meet' situation making it all rather intense?

My younger child met my boyfriend by accident, briefly, really soon. We cycled past her dad's house and she was on the drive and saw me and rushed over. We chatted, introduced her to the 6 people I was cycling with. Later I said "the one in the red helmet wants to be my boyfriend" she says "you both have a bike, so you have something in common - go on a date!"

It's all just so drama free.
The kids aren't over involved in our personal lives, but they're perfectly aware that 'someone' exists.

I personally think that someone who can't even tell his daughters that he is dating, is not in a place to BE dating.

Either because they're not "free" to date. Or because they're showing that they avoid difficult conversations with their kids - which would put me off them.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 24-Nov-15 07:04:37

I don't like the way he keeps asking to meet your daughter
It's pretty obvious he wants to meet her so that he can come over/see you more, which indicates he's thinking about himself and what he wants over her need to be protected from meeting boyfriends too early. That would fuck me right off.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 24-Nov-15 11:33:04

4 months in is too early for any of this.
When he asks again just say it's way too early and you won't be meeting until the 1 year mark. Then you'll discuss it if you are still together.
Take things slowly and see how it goes.
No need to rush things.
Enjoy what you have when you are together and leave the kids out of it for now.

TooSassy Tue 24-Nov-15 18:06:22

cabrinha what a great post. Thanks for that perspective.

I'd never looked at it that way before.

maa9144 Wed 25-Nov-15 02:24:25

Thank you all for your advice. We actually broke up yesterday. We are in the US and he is committed to living where his daughters go to school until the youngest goes away to college which is in four years!. My divorce agreement says I can't leave New York State until my daughter turns 18. It just seems as if we couldn't move forward together the way I would like. I know it was only 4 months but I would like to think the potential was there for us to move forward together if we continued on romantically. He confirmed today he will not move from where he is until the youngest daughter is 18 and so I broke it off. Hope I made the right decision

BitOutOfPractice Wed 25-Nov-15 04:59:34

I'm a bit puzzled by this

You don't want him to meet your dc yet but you think you should be meeting his

You can't move, yet you've broken up with him because he says he won't.

Is that right?

Cabrinha Wed 25-Nov-15 07:06:00

Well there's a curve ball. You never even said that there was a distance issue too.

maa9144 Wed 25-Nov-15 11:54:19

No. I wanted his children to at least be aware we are dating. I think 4 months is too soon to meet his kids as well. I don't want to out myself but yes he lives in a state close to NYC and has an apartment in the city where he stays when he doesn't have his kids which is about 2 to 3 times a week

Noneedforasitter Wed 25-Nov-15 15:02:08

I wonder whether you are being overly cautious about introducing your 6 year old daughter to a partner, even if, as has happened, you might split up. 6 year-olds are perfectly used to people drifting in and out of their lives. A teacher from last year could be an important figure for a time, but then fade from view with the new year. Plenty of children are looked after by nannies who then disappear forever. None of this seems to affect the average 6 year old, so why should it be different for someone their mother happens to be dating? I would think there needs to be some caution about how they are introduced to the child (friend rather than partner) but with that precaution 4 months would seem plenty long enough to me. I certainly wouldn't leave it a year. You will want to know how a potential life partner interacts with your child and I would think the sooner you know that in a relationship, the better.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 25-Nov-15 23:52:30

I think you're being a hypocrite to be honest. You keep calling them "teenagers" like they're an alien species. They are still his kids. Just like your DC.

You want to keep him secret from your dc. But think his dc should know.

You can't have it both ways

As for the location. He won't / can't move because of his kids. You won't can't move because of your dc. What's the difference?

You seem to want it all your own way

KeepOnMoving1 Wed 25-Nov-15 23:58:54

4 months is like 5 minutes. And you see him once a week, that's barely no time at all. It's too soon, and he seems to be cautious with good reason. At the same time he shouldn't be asking to see yours.

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