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So anxious and wondering what is normal?

(32 Posts)
CatzAndDogs Mon 23-Nov-15 16:54:57

I don't know what I hope to acheive writing this, or even what I mean. My head is a mess and I'm sorry if this all comes out sounding stupid. I've been married 5 years, we have a 3yo son. I don't know whether I am being completely unreasonable, or what I need to do to make things better.
DH is very difficult to live with, and what makes it harder is there are many ups and downs. Often he will be funny and relaxed and we'll have fun with DS. But it often seems that just when I am feeling happy and relaxed he gets in a terrible mood. Comes from nowhere - I do or say the wrong thing. last night it was because I asked him why he had to nap in the afternoon after he got up late in the morning. Ended with DH screaming at me, telling me I was an idiot, selfish, that i don't understand him. The other week he said he was never going to talk to me about anything that upset him, ever again, becuase I was such a "bad listener". he said he was going to find someone else to talk to becaus he can't even rely on his wife to support him.
Most arguments start because I say something wrong but I don't realise it is wrong at the time. Like saying "what?" because I don't hear what he says. Or because I disagaree with him about something simple like whethre DS should wear a jumper or not. It often ends with his shouting, telling me to fuck off, him storming out of the house, throwing things, DS crying. I try to talk to him and calm him down but he tells me he is not talking to me and will not talk to me and if I continue talking he will not be responsible for what happens. Usually after these outbursts he sleeps alone in the other room, and the next day he is cold and distant. I feel guilty and can't focus. Then he comes round adn everything is normal again. No apologies for the swearing or throwing. I have given up wanting one of those. And it is always always my fault.
I spend hours trying to figure out what went wrong, and what I could do to make things better. I feel so anxious after these fights, which happen like once a week or once a fortnight. But then I think that I am making too much of it, and that everyone fights in a relationship sometimes and really I shouldn't argue with him.
I feel that everythign is fine if I agree with him all the time and try not to annoy him. I know it is in my power to feel better about myself and not be so affected by his moods but it is hard. When he is not being angry at me he is often angry about everything else - complaining, swearing when he drops things, shouting at the TV and otehr drivers etc. I am actually jumping out of my skin sometimes when I hear him shouting at something in the kitchen. it drags me down.
He is depressed, he says, and I beleive that is true. So it makes me feel bad that somehow I cannot be the person he needs me to be to help him through. I can't understand what to do to make things better. I seem to be going through these cycles so often that I am losing my mind. Worse, worse still, better, OK, worse..... what is normal and what is not?

ILiveAtTheBeach Mon 23-Nov-15 17:03:13

I couldn't live with a man who was like this. And you don't have to. Can't be good for your son either. Why don't you consider separation? flowers

KinkyAfro Mon 23-Nov-15 17:06:40

Well it's nothing you are doing OP, this is all him, the question is what are you going to do about it? You shouldn't have to live like this and neither should your DS.

You don't need to change OP, he is blaming you because he can, because you let him. Don't let him anymore, get your DS and get out of there

mum2mum99 Mon 23-Nov-15 17:07:01

It is not normal. Poor you, he is not supporting you. He is lazy. He is being controlling and abusive. You are trying to find out what you did wrong. You did not do anything wrong. He has. What you are describing are cycles of abuse.
I invite you to look at these 2 checklist and it might answer your questions:

thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse
liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

Let me know what you think.
And flowers

timelytess Mon 23-Nov-15 17:11:33

This is emotional abuse, as far as I can see.
You almost certainly need to get away from him, taking your DS.
Stop trying to make it right. Its not your fault.

Jan45 Mon 23-Nov-15 17:11:47

Totally not normal, he uses you as a verbal punch bag and then punishes you for saying the wrong word.

It's not you, it's him and there's nothing you can do to fix it, in fact allowing him to get away with this is what will keep you in this misery, time to tell him to either act like a normal human being or you are best to split, after all, you can't do anything right in his eyes!

This is not a healthy normal partnership, it's him using you for every tiny frustration he feels about anything.

Epilepsyhelp Mon 23-Nov-15 17:16:52

He needs to see his GP with regards his depression, and I would suggest he shouldn't be living with you and DS unless/until he is able to control his moods.

Lozza1990 Mon 23-Nov-15 17:26:24

OP please talk to him, his behaviour is not ok and you shouldn't be scared of him. Have you tried just having a calm conversation about why he acts this way? Does he still try to justify it? You need to tell him that it's really getting you down and that whether you're wrong in a petty argument doesn't justify him getting that angry. Suggest he goes to GP and maybe get counselling but don't ignore his outbursts because it's not ok and you ignoring it is just going to normalise it for him.

CatzAndDogs Mon 23-Nov-15 17:54:36

Thank you so much for your comments. It really helps me to try to put things in perspective. I have tried to talk to him about his anger but he always says that it was my fault he got so angry, and if I didn't do this or that he wouldn't be like that. Sometimes he will apologise for swearing at me but he won't ever say that what he did was his fault.
He's seeing a therapist and taking medication for depression. Has been doing so for as long as I have known him.
I guess I know things are bad but it is difficult for me to even consider that it is bad enough for separation - I live with DH in his country, we are 1000s of miles from my home in the UK. We are planning to move back to the UK in a year when we have the money. If we did split up I would have to be willing to live here until DS is 16. Which would mean I would be completely on my own, and not be able to live closer to my parents who are gettign older, and who I miss very much. So whenever I think it is getting bad in my relationship I think about what I would have to sacrifice and it makes me question everything - I go back over what happened to try and convince myself that it wasn't so bad, or that it was my fault.
I feel like I am going crazy. I don't think I am strong enough.

ifyouregoingthroughhell Mon 23-Nov-15 18:56:39

Somehow I think that next year there won't be enough money to move to the UK. Or the year after, or the one after that.

iloverunning36 Mon 23-Nov-15 18:58:58

I don't think you are crazy or unreasonable. Do you throw things, swear, shout at him or give him the silent treatment? I'm guessing you don't as you sound scared of him. Could you get back to the uk to your family? Would you leave if you could? I don't think talking to him is much good as it doesn't sound like he listens or takes responsibility for his behaviour. I had a husband like this and I made secret plans and left. He still claims I left for virtually no reason - men like him minimise their behaviour and project all their stuff onto other people. flowers I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you strength. It took me 3 attempts to leave as he had me so worn down I started to feel crazy.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 23-Nov-15 19:06:04

Can you get your own therapist?

RD82 Mon 23-Nov-15 19:26:01

Your husband is abusive OP. Can you imagine living the rest of your life with this monstrous man? I certainly couldn't tolerate spending 10 minutes with some one who treated me like this, let alone be married to them.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 23-Nov-15 20:36:27

Can you come back to the UK early with your DC to set up home (and clear your head).

OP you don't have to live like this! I think anyone would be anxious, treading on eggshells the whole time, like it sounds you are. Your "D"H is controlling, abusive, and nasty. Please don't put up with this, or think it is your fault, it is emphatically NOT. You deserve so, so much better.

iloverunning36 Tue 24-Nov-15 00:12:43

Has he ever been physically abusive? (Well throwing things is classed as physical but has he ever been directly violent to you?) you need to be careful to keep yourself safe as some of what he has said doesn't rule out him becoming physically violent.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 24-Nov-15 04:49:46

If we did split up I would have to be willing to live here until DS is 16

How feasible would that be? Do you work and would you be able to maintain yourself and ds if you left your h and remained in his home country?

Was your ds born in the UK? If he was born outside of the UK does he have dual nationality?

Your h's 'depression' is a red herring which he uses to hide the fact that he's a bad tempered and controlling cunt and the sooner you and your ds are away from him, the better it will be for both of you.

CatzAndDogs Tue 08-Dec-15 01:48:56

I do work, and it could be possible to maintain myself financially here if I were to leave. Emotionally is another matter. Ds was born here but he has dual nationality, but he can't leave - even for a holiday - without his father's permission.

I feel really confused rightnow as husband is going through a particularly bad time with depression and anxiety. He thinks I do not undestand him - he told his therapist that I would be reallt mad at him for coming home late from his appointment with her after he had a "breakdown" in his session. I wouldn't have got mad - I don't know why he says that. His therapist wants me to come in and see her so she can explain to me what my husband is goign through. So now I wonder if I am getting everything wrong. That I am being unreasonable.

I just don't know what to do. SOmething feels really wrong. I am usually an intuitive person. Right now it seems like there is something goign on that I can't see right now. I feel like I am being taken for a ride. I can't see straight and I don't know how to get out. I don't feel positive, I feel like I am just hangign on. I am seeing a therapist and she says that my husband's depression is what's causing the problems and that he can't help that. But how can I help someone that I am half afraid of? And at the same time, I feel so guilty about writing all this.

LeaLeander Tue 08-Dec-15 01:57:37

Sounds horrendous. I would not raise a child in such an abusive, violent household.

Was he angry and violent when you were courting and first married and if so.. Why tie yourself to him with the child?!

Read "not without my daughter" by betty mahmoody.

CatzAndDogs Tue 08-Dec-15 02:50:34

He was angry and controlling before we married. But somehow I thought it was somethign I was doing wrong, everything that happened before he would get angry would be something I could change. And I tried to change. I was 1000s of miles from my family and my friends, and I think that if I had been in the UK with him I would have walked at some point in the early days. But being cut off made it hard. And everything would always get worked out after each argument or each incident, and I would end up feeling like things could be great like at the begining, if only I knew how. But then somethign else would happen. I wanted to believe in the person he was when he was good to me - because he was so good. At the begining I felt like I had found everything I was looking for. How do you then find the strength to say to yourself and to everyone else that you were so wrong?

Right now I wonder why I didn't leave then. In many ways he was so much worse. And it makes me think now that he's not so bad. Maybe he has actually improved. Maybe he has been thinking about what he was like and he has changed, maybe I shouldn't complain anymore.

Basically, I am a big mess at the moment. Confused. Completely alone in this country if you don't count his family and a few acquaintances - I think it would help if I had a friend to talk to. I basically feel like I am complaining about nothing and I am trying to convince myselg on a daily basis that this life is fine and everyting is wonderful.

LeaLeander Tue 08-Dec-15 03:51:54

That sounds very difficult. How did you end up so far from home?

I would suggest he isn't getting better; it's just that your perception has changed. You are becoming numb to levels of behavior that would formerly have raised alarm.

Does he threaten to keep your child there against your wishes?

You have our sympathies. It sounds rough. Is there a consulate you could go to for legal help or just perhaps someone there would talk things through with you?

LeaLeander Tue 08-Dec-15 03:53:22

Btw the routine violent intimidating outbursts are not normal, fine or wonderful. He is abusing you AND your child.

AugustMoon Tue 08-Dec-15 05:02:23

He is a bully. He wants you to feel like this. Because you dared have a different opinion, imply he might have flaws, did or said something that made him feel he doesn't have 100% control of you and your situation. Sorry to say but it will never change or get better.

AugustMoon Tue 08-Dec-15 05:04:30

Are you in South Africa by any chance? You don't have to answer that.

Cinnamon2013 Tue 08-Dec-15 05:38:32

'Something feels very wrong'

Please listen to your instinct here, OP. You can't fix his problems. You need to protect yourself and your child from this abuse. (And it is definitely abuse). Wishing you strength.

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