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What motivates a man to be like this?

(16 Posts)
tobiasblue Mon 23-Nov-15 11:33:38

Start out by saying he's always been honest and upfront with me and not tried to make promises he's no intention of keeping; but as time goes on I was just confused over why someone would be like this - what the motivation is -and what drives them.

He met me and offered me a casual, no commitment relationship. I was in a place to want the same and we started off on that basis. Neither of us had ever done it before so we weren't sure how it worked but all we knew was that a full relationship was not on the cards. To be honest I didn;t like him that much, but just fancied a bit of company. Probably both got a little emotionally involved over time.

Thing is that for me, I did start out wanting no commitment or full relationship but once I grew feelings, that changed. For him, he has admitted the feelings have grown but still doesn't want the commitment. I was fine about that because for all intents and purposes it looked and felt like a full relationship without the label; but for him it was not so simple.

He started to feel emotions and attachment to me and reacted by saying he felt it best we saw each other less and did less things together to avoid getting too attached. He doesn't see anyone else, doesn't want to, wants this to be very long term and for us to only be with each other - but only 50%. And if it gets bigger than the 50%, he needs to reduce that.

Does anyone know what motivates someone to be like that?

Is it a case that to be like that someone must like you and feel an attachment but not a big enough one?

Or can someone honestly withhold themselves from forming attachment by willpower?

Or can someone be so against commitment and a life together growing organically that they would deliberately pull away from a happy situation that made them happy?

I am about to walk away from it, as I obviouly feel we are moving backwards instead of forwards but can't help feeling frustrated as I do think we had something and I hate living with those "what ifs"

MephistophelesApprentice Mon 23-Nov-15 11:39:43

He's been hurt in the past and doesn't want to risk it again.

Optimist1 Mon 23-Nov-15 11:42:34

I have no idea what the motivation is behing his approach to your relationship, but it's fairly clear that he is ruled by his head and you by your heart. Nothing wrong with either, IMO.

But I think you need to look at what you want from the years to come - living with a partner, married to said partner, children, etc. Is the man you've grown to love worth possibly going without all or some of these? I have a friend whose long-term partner persuaded her that marriage was "just a piece of paper" so she compromised and they bought a house together. Whilst he paid lip service to the plan to have children, the time was never quite right for him so they are now well past her child-bearing years without children. Having said that, the relationship has lasted many, many years but on the occasions she lets her guard slip it's clear that she has a lot of regrets.

Epilepsyhelp Mon 23-Nov-15 11:51:38

Walk away. You want different things. I can't see that this can do anything but hurt you. If he does change his mind he can come back on different terms but it doesn't sound likely.

tobiasblue Mon 23-Nov-15 11:52:16

Thanks so much for writing back.

I have children...no need for those. I can't (honestly right now) envisage wanting marriage or to actually live with a man again but would never say never. I am in no hurry for the hallmarks of commitment BUT I do want my NOW to be a happy one.

Things with him and wonderful in so many ways. Great sex, loving company, hugs, chats, cooking the tea together with music on and exchanging thoughtful birthday gifts and that all fits perfectly with what I want

BUT

When he disappears for days at a time or goes through two weeks where he is "too busy" to see me or when he balks at the idea of going to an event with me as my "date" or when he doesn't ask sometimes about intimate details about my life his "wall" becomes so evident and at times makes me feel, sad, disconnected and lonely and I don't want to feel like that.

For him, getting to close like that is apparently too close and for me it's very important. This is the problem.

He does say he was hurt befoe and can't bear to go through it again but is that really it? Seems like something people say...but you met someone you like enough and change your mind?

pocketsaviour Mon 23-Nov-15 12:06:14

He does say he was hurt befoe and can't bear to go through it again but is that really it? Seems like something people say...but you met someone you like enough and change your mind?

I'm a bit like this, I think. I was hurt very badly many years ago, and every successive relationship since I have put less of myself into. After my marriage broke down I had said I wouldn't live with anyone again. However in my last relationship we did end up living together and he even proposed. However looking back, I would have been happier living on my own with just a FB relationship the whole time. (It certainly would have been easier when we inevitably split up, in terms of disentangling finances and housing.)

So in short, no I don't think he'll change. Even if he decided to call what the two of you had "a relationship", he'd still be one foot in, one foot out, with an eye on his escape routes all the time.

mumslife Mon 23-Nov-15 12:07:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tobiasblue Mon 23-Nov-15 12:36:29

He's not got Aspergers no.

He's only had one long relationship and she left him at the alter more or less. He really loved her. Took years to recover and honestly only the last few months have I seen him exhibit real closure on it.

He's made a life for himself surrounded by work, hobbies, friends and this is his comfort zone. He reached out to me through loneliness but I do feel like there's more to it than sex.

I have decided to end it.

I just felt so sad walking away from someone I want to be with.

I didn't know whether to believe this is all down to fear in him or if I am just not good enough to love.

I'm sad he'd rather lose me than jump in and let us be what we are growing to be

noclueses Tue 24-Nov-15 18:53:34

it's not necessarily the end OP. Often when a commitment/intimacy-phobe loses the patient GF/BF, they fall down with a bump and realise what they've lost and he feel acutely lonely. Well done for being decisive, it's the only way for him to be brought back to reality - if this doesn't help then at least you will stop wasting your time.

noclueses Tue 24-Nov-15 18:53:56

'will feel'

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 24-Nov-15 19:02:25

He doesn't sound like a commitment-phobe, he sounds selfish.

Your description seems like he chooses not to do the 50% of the relationship that he doesn't feel like doing but keeps the 50% that involves taking from you.

He doesn't want to talk about your life, he sometimes doesn't want to go on a date, he sometimes fancies a couple of weeks on his own so you have to wait. Do you ever do these things to him, or are you always on call?

Glad to hear you've dumped him.

From your description, I honestly don't believe this is down to his fear of a relationship. It certainly isn't because you are not good enough to love. That's not even a thing anyway. Everyone's good enough to love if they find the right match.

I think it is down to him not wanting the hard bits of relationships, he only wants the fun bits that are convenient for him. Simple selfish behaviour. Lots of people are selfish.

Destinysdaughter Tue 24-Nov-15 19:23:18

I have no idea what makes a man behave like this but what stood out to me from your post was
" makes me feel, sad, disconnected and lonely and I don't want to feel like that."

Really, what's the point of being in a relationship when you feel like that? Seems like it is on his terms and your needs are not being met. I'd let him know that you care about him a lot but because you want a full, committed, loving and equal relationship ( which is normal ), you've decided to end it. It may make him rethink things but if not, you are free to meet someone who can give you those things. Also, single life isn't so bad!

LionHeartedWoman Tue 24-Nov-15 19:41:03

I concur with Runrabbit & Destiny.

He is cherry picking a relationship.

Seeyounearertime Tue 24-Nov-15 19:51:53

I don't know about your guys motivation but it sounds like he just wants the perks of a relationship without the work of a relationship iyswim.

Seems like he wants you to buy the car, keep the car, fill it with fuel and insure it but he wants to drive. Don't seem right to me, not even a little.

TooSassy Tue 24-Nov-15 19:54:20

To be honest with you OP. I think you both muddied the waters a little. If you don't want anything with commitment/ a LTR then you pretty much hook up, have a nice time and then leave. The cuddling/ doing stuff together is too much like a relationship and as such emotionally it will start to feel like one.

I think the guy here is getting a rough time. He was very clear from day one in his feelings. He has been consistent and hasn't changed his stance. You have.

He's probably the way he is because he is still in love with someone else/ has been burnt by someone. Maybe he's just not into you enough to want to be with you longer term.

Sorry you're hurting. It sounds horrid. Try and put him out your mind and move on. thanks

TooSassy Tue 24-Nov-15 19:56:53

Op.
Sorry I misread your OP.
So he does want to be long term? Or so he says? No he doesn't. He wants the safety net.

Move on OP.

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