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partner of one year being very needy or am i insensitive?

(38 Posts)
Chocolate99 Sun 22-Nov-15 23:26:53

Evening all, met a man, had a few successful if close together dates, got the impression he wanted to see me more frequently than i has time to give so eneded it. 1 week later he came to my rescue so decided to give him another go. he has been fantastic through rough times, makes me laugh, a gentleman, fab sex etc. That being said, he has no friends, no hobbies, only works and sees his 3 kids when his ex deigns it convenient for her. very acrimonous split, he left her as unhappy after 25 years, she does not encourage the children to see him one iota unless she has plans. As a result he has an awful lot of spare time, whereas i do not, single parent work full time with another business on the side and lots of friends and hobbies.

After 18 months, i have only met his DD who is similar age to my child once for a brief period. On the other hand he stays over at mine a couple of times in the week after childs bedtime and saturday, soending sunday with me and my child. This was becoming a bit of habit and i noticed my child playing up on sundays, obviously jealous and felt like every sunday was spent trying to give them both attention, very stressful. I decided last month to reduce the overnight stays and discourage us doing things together every sunday and it has been so much better as i have not felt like i was constantly telling my child off for being naughty etc. I did is for a few weeks and realised that we were playing happy famiiies with my child but there was none of this going on atnhis end, with his children. Somewhat of an uneven balance.

he wondered what was going on with less time spent together and i told him 2 weeks ago that i thought it best if we only see each other when ex husband has child overnight. At the time he said he was fine but i have noticed him becoming less affectionate, less kisses on texts etc. He asked last week if we wanted to do anything today and i said that i had plans with child. Tonight he has rang me, clearly upset and frustrated saying he hates being by himself all the time, doesnt understand why we cant soend time together, he hates being alone all day like he was today etc. says he feels i am blaming him for childs behavious when he is there.

he has no set contact with his children and when his ex says jump he says how high, he is a coward when it comes to disagreei with her, even if its about seeing the kids. peronsally i would never let my ex sabotage my relationship with my child but he just shrugs his shoulders and reverts to type, her telling him what to do. So basically after 18 months he still hasnt got the guts to ask ex if his kids can have a play date with me and mine. I am put off him by this, for not having the guts to stand up to her about something as important as seeing your kids regularly, he has made it clear that he would like to move in with me, there is absolutely no way that will happen if i havent met his kids?! and if his ex tells him what to do all the time, therefore her whims impacting on the life of me and my child.

I should say that i like spending time by myself, always have. he says when he is by himself all the time it messes with his head, makes him depressed, says he is only happy when he is with me etc. he comes across as quite needy, i am very independent and find it off putting. he has said numerous times that he is going to sort regular access out, sort divorce, sort a play date etc and it never happens, i suspect because it is habit of 25 years of her calling the shots. He promised again tonight that he would get a playdate sorted but he has been saying that for the past year so i cant quite see wheere this is going, if anywhere. When i am with him, when my child is at her dads, we have a great time and he is good company, but when my child is here they are my priority and he just doesnt seem to get it, or want to get it.

I told him that if we ever had playdate where his child played up he would understood how conflicted it can feelwanting them both to be happy but as that had never happened he couldnt understand it. Am i just being a selfish insensitive person or were my first instincts right - he is just too needy for me? Xx

Whythehellnot Sun 22-Nov-15 23:35:40

I understand exactly how you feel. I have two dc and had a year long relationship with a man who had nothing in his life whatsoever apart from work and grown up children he rarely saw. He had no friends or social life. As he was a shift worker he would spend whole days literally sitting on his sofa doing nothing/waiting for me to be free. It is a lot of pressure.

He used to stay over sometimes and I found it so stressful.

I did end it and when I look back I think it all moved too quickly at his insistence and tbh life is easier on your own when you have small dc.

It sounds to me like you are coming to the end of the road. He will start to irritate you with his need to be with you all the time. I think you both sound quite different.

Chocolate99 Sun 22-Nov-15 23:43:52

Yes thats exactly it sweetheart, i feel like i have to justify why i am not spending time with him, when he is waiting to soend time with me all the time. At first i thought maybe it was just a distraction texhnicque for him, burying his head in the sand about taking action with ex and thkids but the way he said tonight that he wasnt happy because he had spent all day alone, i did kind of think well thats not really my fault is it?!

I really like seeing him on days when child is at ex husbands and that is only 1-2 nights midweek never weekends, but of those 2 nights i want one to myself, to cathc up on work, house stuff, admin, friends etc and because he has none of that he doesnt quite get it.

on occasion i have lied saying i have work to do as i feel when he is here, and its always at mine becuase he says his rented place doesnt feel like home, that he needs to be entertained like a child or he will become upset?!

Thanks so much for the reply. Xxx

MiniTheMinx Sun 22-Nov-15 23:49:40

If you don't want to be with this man whenever you can, if you don't get that feeling of wanting to be with him as much as possible, if you don't feel comfortable around him, if you need to entertain him and that's a chore you don't love him either. Do him and you a favour. Don't drag it out.

WhatsGoingOnEh Sun 22-Nov-15 23:55:27

I could have written this post!! It's uncannily similar. It's like I'm reading a post by myself from 3 years ago.

What I did (what I always do) is marry him! Don't do that. I now miss my old life SO much and his sweet, easygoing and passive nature is really getting on my nerves. I've still only met his kids that one time, which is weird as I'm now their stepmother.

Just finish it. Get a fuck buddy instead.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 22-Nov-15 23:58:58

"he says when he is by himself all the time it messes with his head, makes him depressed, says he is only happy when he is with me etc."

Hell yes, he sounds needy.

Chocolate99 Mon 23-Nov-15 00:05:11

you are right Mini but i am not sure i would ever want to be with anyone all the time, i love the time i spend wit my child and i love time by myself, always been the case. I could never be with someone all the time it would really annoy me. I think if he sorted out access to his choldren he would spend less time alone and have pointed this out to him but he just shrugs and i find myself thinking how can you be such a doormat about your own children, they have been split for 2 years! Thank you xx

Whatsgoingoneh! That made me laugh and yes i would definitrly miss the sex, it is very good. I think because he doesnt like his rented house etc, he sees my home as somewhere he can play happy families instead of sorting out his own but it isnt making me happy and i think it would end up as you have described xx

ecuse Mon 23-Nov-15 00:05:22

He sounds hard work and you don't sound that into him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 23-Nov-15 00:12:55

If he is that useless then what's the betting that he hasn't ever made any serious effort to sort out access to his children?

sees his 3 kids when his ex deigns it convenient for her
Or maybe he does fuck all to arrange access. Every now and again the ex arranges something, which she of course does to match what is convenient for her.

He sounds like a lazy arse who expects everyone else to sort out his life for him and moans when they don't. Why am I not surprised he is divorced? She was unhappy? I bloody bet she was.

MiniTheMinx Mon 23-Nov-15 00:19:57

Well you both want different things. You want casual sporadic good sex on your terms and he wants to live with you. It can't possibly work.

pocketsaviour Mon 23-Nov-15 00:38:20

says he is only happy when he is with me

FUCK.
THAT.

He's just made you responsible for his happiness. An adult male, a father, and he's made you into his mum. Get rid. He sounds horribly passive, which is probably actually passive aggressive if given a chance.

No wonder his wife left, I wouldn't put up with him for 25 minutes let alone 25 years!

Mermaidhair1 Mon 23-Nov-15 04:14:46

Yes me is needy.
I would not be able to be with someone like that.

niceupthedance Mon 23-Nov-15 07:13:50

I'd dump him and get on tinder. He's obviously way more into you than you are him

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Mon 23-Nov-15 09:24:54

He's passive to the point of infuriating isn't he, and sounds like he needs a massive kick up the arse! Personally I'd be laying it out very clearly for him, because it sounds as though you're heading for a split anyway if he carries on, so nothing to lose eh...

he says when he is by himself all the time it messes with his head, makes him depressed
I'd say "then do something about it. Get some friends (or try Meetup), get a hobby that engages you and keeps you occupied. It is your responsibility to change your life for the better, not mine to entertain you."

says he is only happy when he is with me etc.
I'd say: "I am not responsible for your happiness. I find this needy and unnatractive. You must find happiness yourself, not rely on me to fill that void in your life"

he has said numerous times that he is going to sort regular access out, sort divorce, sort a play date etc and it never happens
I'd tell him that his passiveness unnatractive. He has to get legal advice and get it sorted because not only is he damaging his relationship with his children but the two of you have no future until it is. I also hate it when people say they're going to sort something important out and never do. Life just passes them by doesn't it. Actually I think he'd be a prime candidate for counselling because he sounds a bit messed up to me.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 23-Nov-15 09:36:25

It's strange isn't it. So many single women build themselves a great life: work, friends, hobbies, happy alone time etc etc. So many single men just have nothing. Just wait for a woman to come along and fill their life for them. Problem for them is that many women are now thinking "yeah ok but what are you bringing to the party?". And the answer is often nothing.

expatinscotland Mon 23-Nov-15 09:50:49

Christ on a bike! I could not be dealing with such a needy, lazy arse. The 'being alone messes with my head' would be then nail in the coffin. But this 'he feels i am blaming him for childs behavious when he is there.' alone would finish it for me. FAR too needy and insecure.

Well done to you for putting yourself and your child first.

He'll never change. Don't bother pushing him for these playdates. He cannot even be arsed to sort out a divorce. He's still married.

Joysmum Mon 23-Nov-15 09:52:45

Sounds to me that he's into you more than you are into him.

expatinscotland Mon 23-Nov-15 10:01:25

'Sounds to me that he's into you more than you are into him.'

Or more likely, he just latches on to any woman as he is too lazy to make a life for himself.

MiniTheMinx Mon 23-Nov-15 12:33:05

I think it's a little harsh to say all he wants is a woman because he's too lazy to make a life on his own.

It seems the modern world is one of radical singularities, individualism, and we seek self validation and valorization in strange places and even even stranger practices. Once it was in personal relationships now it's in tweets, cosmetics, Facebook likes and an endless acquisition of hobbies. I'm not going to give an opinion on that.

But OP and this man look for different ways of affirming who they are and their value to others. Different ways of relating and different needs in a partner. The cult of independence is a modern thing and whilst it's great that women now have economic and social power greater than before, the endless March towards being alone is not necessarily to be embraced uncritically.

MiniTheMinx Mon 23-Nov-15 12:35:21

In short, do this man a favour and give him the opportunity of meeting someone who wants to share more of their life with him. You will be happier too op if you met someone less like him.

wheelsonabus Mon 23-Nov-15 12:43:02

Passive or can't be arsed? Are you sure his ex calls the shots? Because if he really wanted to, surely he would have joint custody. Is he paying maintenance?

wheelsonabus Mon 23-Nov-15 12:45:12

Also the way he said you're blaming him for your child's behaviour sounds ominous - he sort of asking you to choose between his needs and your child's.

ILiveAtTheBeach Mon 23-Nov-15 12:53:46

Gosh, Men can't win can they? If they are transparent and want to spend a lot of time with you, they're needy. If they are a bit evasive, or don't text enough, they're probably cheating/not into you.

The short of it, is that you haven't got time to date anyone OP. Nobody would be happy to only see their DP twice a week. You're not teenagers! I am guessing this guy wants a serious relationship. Someone to come home to. Someone to marry one day. You don't want this. You want sex a few times a week.

MiniTheMinx is right. Let this guy go. You're stopping him from finding his Mrs Right.

And get on to Tinder. Plenty of guys on there that will shag you and run.

Atenco Mon 23-Nov-15 13:33:20

Well Mini, I don't really think this thread refers to the cult of being alone. Really before we can be well in a relationship, I think we have to be well in our own skins. You make it sound like there is something wrong with the OP for having friends and enjoying her time alone.

Cabrinha Mon 23-Nov-15 13:44:37

Ah, how quickly we believe the stories about the ex wife...
Given what you KNOW about this man (lazy, passive...) do you really think the ex is calling the shots about access, not him being too lazy to see (or start formal proceedings about) his own damn kids?

My rule of thumb for dating: if a man doesn't have 50/50 time with his kids, he'd better have a good reason why not.

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