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Divorce- what do I need to know/do?

(5 Posts)
Everstrong Sun 22-Nov-15 21:58:23

I feel totally lost and need some help here.

I've just turned 30 and want to divorce my husband of 2 years. We've been together 6 years and have a 3 your old DD who has additional needs.

My reasons for the divorce are a lack of support from my DH- he is a workaholic (I don't say that lightly, he works every day and most evenings) and it means I have to pick up the pieces at home.

I work part time (3.5 days a week plus one weekend a month) so it is expected that I will pick up most of the slack at home. That's fair enough but he won't help by tidying up after himself, the place gets to be a total tip every day and DD won't tidy up her toys etc as he never tidies his stuff.

There's also the issue of another woman who he was in contact with while DD was little. I had severe PND and h was working all hours. During this time he got close to a female colleague and was constantly messaging her, meeting for coffee etc, I even found out he took DD to meet her one day while I was working! Now I know men and women can be platonic friends, indeed he has other female friends but he's never gone hidden his interactions and friendships with them. And he doesn't text his other female friends telling them he "misses them" and they "need to get together soon" he even text her on our wedding day.

He won't parent our DD properly, he gives into her every demand when he is here and then when he's working and I am on my own with her it takes me days each time to sort the lack of discipline and tantrums out. He has been spoken to by nursery about this as they noticed a discrepancy between DDs behaviour with me and with him, he used to bribe her with sweets in the morning to get her in the car seat (I found out after nursery told me they were concerned DD was getting sweets for breakfast!)

So what do I do? I don't really want to be a single mum. I'm bloody bricking it. I don't have any family close to help me and my job is demanding. My head feels all over the place and I don't know where to start. My friends and family all love him- he's intelligent, polite, has a great job and dotes on DD but I would rather he was a supportive partner and parent. I don't care about money.

I know I haven't been easy to live with, I can be a bit of a stress head and a perfectionist and I have longstanding MH issues but right now I feel like I am parenting two kids and it would be easier to go solo.

ILiveAtTheBeach Sun 22-Nov-15 22:31:10

Oh babes flowers I'm a bit drunk so don't have an answer. You poor thing xxxxx

Chocolate99 Sun 22-Nov-15 22:54:56

Hi lovely i was in a similar oosition two years ago, felt like i had a lodger more than i had a husband, similar things workaholic, even when home not being present , on work phone etc. i told him i wanted to aplit, child also 3, he didnt take it seriously so i divorced him. I now have my own home on my own terms, i dont need to clean up after another child and i ama much better parent as a result of being happier. I also suffered with PND in first year and was put on lowest does of AD for six months which worked wonders and whenever i said anythign he didnt like, he would say you are mental and you need to go back to doctors, that was his way of putting my on the back fot at all times so he could win the argument. he was never there for me and child and life is ten times better now. Hope you get a resultion either way soon xx

Chocolate99 Sun 22-Nov-15 22:56:50

Just be aware that once you split he will still give her sweets. If ours doesnt want to brush teeth daddy says it fine, he they want candyfloss for breakfast thats fine too - some men just take the easiest route possible at all times and leaving him wont change that x

Everstrong Mon 23-Nov-15 21:46:05

Thanks for your replies. I can hardly bear to look at him at the moment. He's trying to be really sweet but it just doesn't cut it anymore. It's like there's been a slow drip drip and now it's a huge flood of negativity and anger.

I know he won't change as a partner or parent, what you said really resonates with me Chocolate99 but in a way I feel that at least if I had the place on my terms I could stick to a good routine and enforce boundaries so at least some of the time DD would be properly parented.

I feel like I just don't have the energy today, I want to curl up in bed and not wake up. I feel like such a failure.

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