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I'm so lost.

(22 Posts)
bofski14 Sun 22-Nov-15 14:05:23

I posted last week about my partner being hostile towards me and about finding him on a dating site last summer which he swore on our two year old daughters life wasn't him. He explodes with anger and calls me disgusting names. It's happened 5 times in the last two years. My plan was to stay in this house without him and try to keep the house on in my name but I don't have any income apart from my DLA. I feel trapped. There is a perfect little two bed house across the road from my mother which I would love and is the same price as what we paid for this one. I just hate this house now. There's no love in it. It feels like a prison. Do people usually feel like this when they split? And will it pass? I used to love this house, but I just don't want to be here anymore.

DorynownotFloundering Sun 22-Nov-15 14:33:50

Are you actually separated now? Have you thrown him out- I presume from what you say its in your name?

RedMapleLeaf Sun 22-Nov-15 14:55:20

Yes, I would think it's fairly normal to feel angry and hurt flowers

Have you looked in to getting that house?

MiniTheMinx Sun 22-Nov-15 15:17:38

Yes I think it's completely natural to want a completely new start.

Are you still with him?

bofski14 Sun 22-Nov-15 15:18:10

He's been living at his mothers all week but seeing our daughter every day after work. The house is in joint names worth 80k with 63k owing. I have £15k in savings that he cannot touch. I just feel so trapped here. Would I be crazy to just take my name off and try to get a mortgage on my own with my savings as deposit? Or should I try for council/housing association? I just don't want to be here. He says he's reluctantly willing to sell. I want to but I'm scared I'll regret it down the line. My feelings are numb. He's killed all feelings I had for him.

ImperialBlether Sun 22-Nov-15 15:24:49

I don't blame you for having no feelings towards him.

Why would you take your name off? Do you mean just walk away from it? I wouldn't do that unless I had to.

Do you think you'd be able to get a mortgage on your own?

RedMapleLeaf Sun 22-Nov-15 15:26:07

So you have £8500 in equity? Is that something you could walk away from for peace of mind?

I don't think you have to. See a solicitor. Perhaps you can get your name off the mortgage and deeds with £8500 interest or be bought out for that amount. (Although by the time solicitors are done it'll be a lower sum).

bofski14 Sun 22-Nov-15 16:54:13

He's just left. He said he doesn't want the house or any money. He said hed sign it over to me. Which is lovely, except I don't want to be here. I feel like there's too many memories and I want to live near my mother. I think it would make sense if he lives here, he can easily afford it as he earns about £40k a year and the mortgage is about £360 a month. he can't stay at his mothers forever and him living here would be the easiest option as he will be here and it's familiar to our daughter when she visits. I don't think he has to "buy me out" though as I didn't contribute to the deposit or the mortgage.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 22-Nov-15 16:58:06

I should imagine he doesn't want to live there either, for all the same reasons you don't.

Sell the place. Split the money. You both start again.

MiniTheMinx Sun 22-Nov-15 17:11:11

Sign it over to you...mmmm...would the rental income for this house cover the mortgage? If it did I would be inclined to let him sign it over. Let it pay for itself for a few years and rent a house near your mother. Keep saving and eventually buy another place.

YesNoMaybeSo1234 Sun 22-Nov-15 17:55:03

Just sell it. I felt exactly the same as you and that's what I ended up doing. We just split the equity and I'm so much happier in my new home!

pocketsaviour Sun 22-Nov-15 21:24:02

I don't think he has to "buy me out" though as I didn't contribute to the deposit or the mortgage.

Right, but if your name is on the deeds and you've been staying home to raise your child, then you would still be entitled to a proportion.

My ruthless side thinks the same as Mini - get him to sign it over before he wakes up and realises what he's done, whack it out for rent, you rent somewhere else. Once you've got a couple of years of proof of rental income, you might be able to get a mortgage. (You won't get one at the moment as you don't have an income aside from DLA.)

bofski14 Mon 23-Nov-15 16:24:29

Well we were on our way to the bank where I offered that I would keep the £15k savings and he would keep the house. He said he couldn't afford to keep the house on as he's due for a month or two off at work (contract worker). He suggested splitting the savings and that when we sell the house in the future sometime, then we split the equity. In the meantime he would pay £500 a month towards our daughter. So I wasn't sure because even though it sounds generous, I was scared that if I gave him half the savings, that he might not hold up his end of the bargain and leave me in the shit. I was actually putting our daughter in the pram and he could see I was nervous about signing over 7 grand to a man who treats me like shit. So he questioned me and I said I wasn't totally comfortable with it. Then all hell broke lose. Swearing, saying I'd be nothing without him etc etc and I calmly put the baby back in the car and said there was no way I was going to the appointment. Almost crashed the car because he was screaming and swearing at me calling me a gold digger and all sorts. It left with him leaving the car in the middle of traffic and me driving away in tears. So now I'm NOT giving him anything. And it's now turned nasty which is what I didn't want.

Finola1step Mon 23-Nov-15 16:29:38

Do not give this many any money!

Sell the house. Walk away with your half of the equity and all of your savings. Then start again, on your own.

Trust nothing that comes out of his mouth. Other posters will be able to advise on CSA.

bofski14 Mon 23-Nov-15 16:30:18

Thank you. My gut feeling was telling me not to do it and his reaction proved me right.

BiscuitMillionaire Mon 23-Nov-15 16:34:29

Sorry you're having to deal with his unpleasantness. You really need to see a solicitor for advice on where you stand financially.

pocketsaviour Mon 23-Nov-15 16:38:04

Your gut was spot on! If you'd given him that money you'd have never seen him again for dust sad

Please make sure you see a solicitor and find out exactly where you stand legally.

bofski14 Mon 23-Nov-15 17:07:58

I've got a solicitors appointment for a free 20mins next week but am going to ring a few and gather a few ideas. Feel so scared right now but so empowered

MiniTheMinx Mon 23-Nov-15 17:32:33

Well done you. You have clearly foiled his plans smile getting legal advice now is clearly the way to go. Strength to you.

DorynownotFloundering Mon 23-Nov-15 22:08:30

Good for you, your instincts were right.

bofski14 Mon 23-Nov-15 23:07:39

So this evening he has texted apologising and saying he wants to do this nicely. I'll bet he does. He was saying he will go with the original deal, I keep the savings, he keeps the house and pays private support to our daughter. I haven't answered because I'm so angry at him. Then he said "go to a solicitor if you want. And we'll go through the CSA aswell". He has been online and done a calculation and believes he will have to pay £86 a week. Considering he rarely earns less than £800 a week, I think this figure is wrong. I didn't want to go through CSA or CMS because I knew I would have more if it was private but I can't trust him to keep it up. Today he started out offering £200 a week, then £125, then £100 and now £86. I'm just going to sit right here and make sure the mortgage is paid and I'm not uprooting just before Christmas. Going to CAB tomorrow too. I'm moving all his things into the spare room incase he decides to move back in and I can't stop him. I'm so scared of him. He said earlier he would quit his job and our daughter would live with him if I "needed money so badly I could go out and earn it then". Then he smirked and said "that shocked you, didn't it?"

DorynownotFloundering Wed 25-Nov-15 22:37:07

Bastard......stay strong, ignore him

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