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EA abusive husband has left, why am i in bits?

(7 Posts)
needhelpandadvice Sun 22-Nov-15 13:45:24

As above he has left me and our DD. He has his own home now and sees DD a few times a week.

He is a heavy cannabis user and this last few years the mood swings, silences and accusations just became far too much for both of us.

He hated the fact I love my work and I am very much into it but also never ever neglect my DD and im always there for her.

He didn't like me to socialise as he felt I didn't spend enough family time.

He would sulk and not speak at the drop of a hat.

So now he is gone and strangely I miss him, im lost, I don't really know how to function with the freedom?

He is also refusing to financially help towards our DD and I requesting I either sell the family home or pay him out after Xmas, even though he has never contributed to the mortgage.

He is going for the divorce as me behaving unreasonably due to "being distant and socialising?" He has never given a second thought the years I tip toed around him to keep him happy!

kittybiscuits Sun 22-Nov-15 13:53:07

Hiya - you need legal advice re the financial situation/house. You should contact Child Maintenance Options and then start a case with Child Maintenance Service to force him to meet his legal obligations re supporting your child.

On the emotional front, have you got proper headspace away from him or is he in touch all the time? I suspect he might have wrong-footed you by instigating the separation and implying he has been poorly treated. I also think it takes time to adjust because an EA person can be so dominant in your life and it takes a while to adapt to the gap, even if you're much better off. You said it yourself - you don't know how to function with the freedom. You will work it out. The headspace is vital though flowers

needhelpandadvice Sun 22-Nov-15 13:57:37

Hes not in touch a lot and I think that's another thing that is upsetting me, even though I have been wanting to leave him for ages suddenly it hurts like hell.

I actually want to beg him to come back but I know it would never work.

Im so mixed up.

kittybiscuits Sun 22-Nov-15 14:10:10

It's hard to know which way is up in a relationship like this. Have you seen a counsellor at all? Have you thought about what attracted you to and kept you in this relationship? Possibly the same ties that might pull you back towards it even though you know it was abusive?

needhelpandadvice Sun 22-Nov-15 14:18:00

I think because he wasn't violent, would never cheat and generally reliable but the downside was the moods, eggshells, accusations, I just couldn't be the real person I am around him.

Maybe its part of the type of relationship but somehow I knew where I was if that makes sense, now I feel lost.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 22-Nov-15 14:25:36

"He is also refusing to financially help towards our DD and is requesting I either sell the family home or pay him out after Xmas, even though he has never contributed to the mortgage."

He can make any request that he likes but that doesn't mean you have to comply. Can you prove that he's never made any contributions towards the mortgage?

Get onto CMO and get started on claiming child maintenance.

I'd be minded to sit tight and force him to go to court for his share of the family home. When agreeing to a price to buy him out, deduct 50% of every mortgage-payment he's not made, and any child-support he's not contributed. That should knock down his share of any equity.

He's been using you for a very long time, so it's time to give him a taste of his own medicine

needhelpandadvice Sun 22-Nov-15 14:30:09

The mortgage payment has always come from my own sole account straight from my salary, as for years he didn't work, mainly due to the cannabis habit and of course me taking care of everything. Until January he didn't know how much our mortgage was.

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