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I'm furious and I don't know what to do now.

(141 Posts)
Hurr1cane Sun 22-Nov-15 12:37:40

I've been in a relationship with DP for a long time now. Started off very slowly as I have a DS who is disabled, both physical and learning disabilities and has an array of health problems. But we decided a couple of months ago to work towards moving in together so his house is on the market and we are sorting mine out.

Anyway, basically DP works nights, he used to work Monday to Friday and was on about changing his working week to Sunday- Thursday so we could spend some alone time together, as DS is at his dad's Friday nights and Saturday days. I thought this would be great. His work agreed to the change of hours.

Anyway he changed his mind when a job came up somewhere else he wanted to work, the job he wanted meant we would see even less of each other but I never mentioned that, it was what he wanted in a job that mattered most, so I threw myself into helping him get it, re wrote his CV, did all the computer stuff he needed to do (the job is nothing to do with computers and he is useless with them) and he got the job.

Job means that one week in every 3 he doesn't get a day off. He would never get Friday nights off. This weekend was one that he didn't get a day off, so I planned a massive clean on Saturday.

DP rang Saturday lunch time and asked where I was and why I hadn't come to see him, I didn't know that was what he wanted but I dropped everything and went round for an hour, for which we walked his dogs in the freezing cold, and he spent the rest of the time faffing about with chores and not really talking to me.

Then later, on his break from work, he called and said he'd come to mine straight from work, at 1am. I said he could and went to bed, he came in and woke everyone up, so I went and dealt with DS and then got back in bed and we went to sleep.

This morning DS went to respite for 2 hours, the respite isn't for me, I didn't want it, as DS has a shortened life I want to spend every second with him, but he was getting much too reliant on me and wouldn't go to anyone else so SS wanted him to have respite with one trusted person so that's what he does.

When he went, DP was in a mood and kept snapping at me, we went to his and I started making us both breakfast and suggested we take DS and his dogs out for a walk later, he said he wanted to take them with me now and I said I didn't have enough time as I had to get back forDS. He then got arsey and said that there wasn't enough time for us to spend alone together and 2 hours wasn't enough and I needed more, when I told him I didn't want more he shouted at me (he's never shouted before) looming over me and said that it wasn't fair on him then and that he was in the relationship for me although he loved DS he never got to see me alone.

Anyway I pointed out that he took the job that meant he wasn't free when I was and that was his choice and I wasn't moaning so he didn't really have a leg to stand on and he kept shouting at me until I just walked out and drove home.

That was over an hour ago. I haven't heard from him since. DS will be so gutted if he leaves now. I was so careful about not introducing them until things were serious. I feel like a shit mum as well as gutted that the lovely kind man I fell for turned into a nasty brute within a day.

KeepOnMoving1 Sun 22-Nov-15 12:48:33

Gosh what an utter idiot he turned out to be. Sorry op but I think you got a glimpse of what he's really like. You made a very valid point about him taking the job, but he didn't have an answer so shouted at you and ran away. Your lovely boy doesn't need this man around him who might very well start making him feel bad about not having enough time for him. Dump him, you and ds do not deserve that.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 22-Nov-15 12:51:23

If it was never mentioned, was it clear to you both that it would definitely mean that you'd see each other less, and there was no moving DS' time with his dad or respite? I'm presuming it was but I wanted to check.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like this will work for you. He has moved the goalposts and you don't want the same things, and that never works. The only possible ways that this would work would be him changing his job again, or you adjusting your time with your son so that it matches but doesn't reduce, and both sound unlikely.

You may as well leave it for now and see if he gets in touch and is hugely apologetic, and if he is, judge then whether it's worth even considering talking to him again. I wouldn't hold my breath though. He could be very frustrated and stressed with his new job but he definitely shouldn't be taking it out on you or your son.

mintoil Sun 22-Nov-15 12:52:11

Just be glad you found out what he is really like before you moved in with him rather than after.

I imagine he will be in contact at some point, explaining and justifying his behaviour.I wouldn't be persuaded to take him back - he sounds selfish and horrid.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Sun 22-Nov-15 12:53:01

Just give it a bit of time to calm down. Unless the looming is a freqyent thing perhsps he us just having a pamic hsbing realised he needs to rethink his work plans.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Sun 22-Nov-15 12:53:14

Having a panic.

cansu Sun 22-Nov-15 12:54:35

I would be v careful about moving in with him even if he apologises for today's shambles.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Sun 22-Nov-15 12:55:08

What I mean is wait and see what he does next. He has some making up to do and he needs to realise about the time thing and adjust accordingly.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 22-Nov-15 12:56:40

The consequences of him accepting the new job were obvious from the very start. I suspect all of the accommodation around his new hours were for you and your son to accept and work around, rather than for him. Now, according to him it's all your fault. Well, bollocks to that!

He doesn't sound like a very nice man. As well as sounding like a monumentally stupid one. I'd kick him to the kerb pronto

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 22-Nov-15 12:56:46

I'm sorry, he just wants his own way, doesn't he. He knew this job he wanted would affect the time you could have had alone together, but he chose to take it. He cannot now expect you to change all your arrangements to fit round him, fuck that!

He's being ridiculous.

Squeegle Sun 22-Nov-15 13:00:40

He sounds quite self centred actually, and it also sounds like you're doing a lot of looking after him, but he's not looking after you. What does he do for you?

eddielizzard Sun 22-Nov-15 13:16:30

reading that back you do an awful lot of mothering. that needs to stop straight away. no more dropping things, or writing cv's or bending over backwards to accommodate him. you've treated him like a child, imo, and now he's acting like one.

the only way is to treat him like an adult and see if he behaves like one.

you sound like an amazing mum btw. and you have to put your ds first. he will be upset about this man if it doesn't work out, but that's better than having him in your life if he makes you unhappy. your ds deserves a happy mum and you deserve to be happy.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 22-Nov-15 13:18:55

He sounds like an utter prick. Agree with the poster above who said that this is what he's really like. Please don't contact him - he'll expect you to come crawling back with full on apologies but if you do that you're showing him that his behaviour over the past few days and subsequent outburst are acceptable. It will set a precedent for your and your DS's future. You're already 'dropping everything' to hurry on over to him at his beck and call, even though you were in the middle of something. You made food at his house - why? Does he not have arms, or were you trying to placate him and please him out of his mood? You need to rethink moving in with this man because if you do, your future does not look good. It will consist of capitulating to this man and his moods, being at his beck and call, and being a domestic servant to him.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 22-Nov-15 13:21:57

Even if you did want more respite does he know how hard it would be to get it?

ohtheholidays Sun 22-Nov-15 13:30:37

Please cut him out of your life and do it now.

You have so much going on with your poor little boys health you really don't need this kind of relationship and you don't have the time for it.

With your son beeing so ill I think I'd tell him that he had to go away for work rather than telling him whats happened.

Any one with even just an ounce of decency wouldn't treat someone the way he's treating you both when the child involved has a shortened life span,it's just not a normal or acceptable way for him to behave it really isn't!

Hurr1cane Sun 22-Nov-15 13:36:38

He's coming round now. I think to break up with me. I feel like a horrible mother letting him into DSs life. I'm staying single from now on.

magoria Sun 22-Nov-15 13:40:11

This man is an inconsiderate knob.

He has you running around seeing him at a moments notice. comes in late at night and wakes the entire household and then leaves you to sort it out.

Has you running around mothering him as well as your DS and doing stuff for him.

Doesn't really care much about your DS but tolerates him.

Is making it your fault for his decisions.

And has started physically intimidating (looming over) you in arguments.

Fortunately with his working pattern he can't see very much of your DS.

This means it will be easier to break it off now before he becomes even more resentful and it starts affecting your son.

Get out now.

PurpleHairAndPearls Sun 22-Nov-15 13:41:07

Having DC with SN can put a huge strain on relationships - even very very strong ones. It does make it harder on all parties concerned.

I would think you should do whatever makes your life easier and better - if he doesn't make your life either of those two things then it's not worth it, IMHO.

ImperialBlether Sun 22-Nov-15 13:42:50

Get in first and dump him. Don't let him have the pleasure of thinking he's dumping you. Say, "I'm glad you've come round. I wanted to tell you this isn't working for me."

I'm so sorry about your son and I hope you meet someone lovely who'll be good to both of you.

Jux Sun 22-Nov-15 13:43:12

Be strong. Don't accept apologies. He is not a nice man.

You will meet a nice man, but only if you ditch the nasty one.

CuffsAndCollar Sun 22-Nov-15 13:44:10

I bet he's coming around with a load of excuses that will centre around you.

Clockstooticky Sun 22-Nov-15 13:50:35

I was going to say the same as imperial. Just get in there first. His behaviour is ridiculous and not conducive to a nice adult relationship! Good luck op.

Hurr1cane Sun 22-Nov-15 13:52:25

On the phone call he said that he can't deal with DS and it's been going round his head for months. My poor DS, he's so good, never steps a foot wrong, always does what he's told, I get LOADS of respite. 4 hours in the week when he goes to his paternal grandads because he wants to see him as much as he can, 24 hours on fri-sat and 2 hours on Sunday.

He said it's because of DSs echolalia, the stupid thing is that he's been going on at me for ages to try for a baby and we will be 6 months into trying now. So he was trying for a baby with me while thinking about breaking up with me? I don't understand it at all.

Baby's are annoying, toddlers more so, DS is so easy especially compared to them, he never nags, moans, cries or asks for anything at all. He always does what he's told. I'm not having him blamed for this.

I don't know what to do, I can barely see through crying, DS is so attached to him it's going to break his heart.

I can't change DSs usual routines because he has autism on top of everything else, but we have had the odd full weekend together because his dad is very good about stuff like that, as I am with him.

I gave up a lot to be with him as well

gamerchick Sun 22-Nov-15 13:53:30

He's a man child and you've just had a glimpse of what life will be like if you carry on this relationship. Any whiff of being resentful of your child and you are the one that needs to do the dumping.

Hurr1cane Sun 22-Nov-15 13:55:22

I know. I just feel so guilty for letting DS get attached to someone who's just going to leave.

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