I feel so alone - jealous and there's no way out I can see

[umbrellawork5]

31, single and starting to wonder if I'm the one with the problem.

I've had 2 'serious' relationships in my mid and late twenties. Last one ended when I was 30 and we were due to buy a house.

Now its Sunday, Im in my rented flat that is freezing cold because i can barely afford heating as well as the rent (I know i could move but im so used to living alone that i would be hesitant to move in with people i dont know...did all that at uni and in early twenties). My friends are ALL in relationships and I feel embarrassed inviting them round to this shithole of a place. I've also started developing feelings of jealousy and this isn't a feeling I am used to...I don't want to be jealous of my friends and I was always so happy and content with my life that I didn't need to be.

I have a good job and hopefully finances will change next year for the better, and I have a decent amount of friends. I don't have many hobbies where I would meet people...mainly because I work late most nights and weekends are spent with friends and family or dating.

So....I started online dating at the start of the year and I've dated a lot. Met lovely people but nobody that I've been desperate to meet again, and despite their efforts in following up and calling and wanting to go out again, I just lose interest.

I feel so alone and as if my efforts and dedication to a family life and home are wasted. Some friends tell me they wish they could have the single life for a bit and open a bottle of wine on a sunday night without looking after kids or cleaning their three storey homes... but I am so bored of this life. It isn't fun anymore and I would rather be bathing my 3 year old than getting pissed in an evening.

I feel so alone...alone in paying the next bill...alone in wanting cuddling up on the sofa, alone in having someone to look after you when you are ill. At 31, it feels like I've missed my chance and didn't grow up fast enough to be settled at this age, and I really, really want to be.

[pictish]

OP you haven't missed your chance. I just want to say that first off.
You sound so sad...I wish I could click my fingers and make it happen for you. I won't bother offering trite hobbies/clubs/open mind advice because I'm sure you know it all already.
I wish you wouldn't get so disheartened.

[umbrellawork5]

thankyou for writing a post pictish i never feel like this, i can usually recognise what is good about my life and be grateful. the lonliness has just hit me today and i feel like i have everything in lfie expect the one thing that i crave - a warm family life.

[umbrellawork5]

*except!

[pictish]

What are you looking for in a partner then? Come on...who does he have to be? May as well start with that, and who knows, someone might have a gold nugget of advice or insight to offer, based on what you want.

[umbrellawork5]

I don't really have a list as such. Kindness and dedication to their/our family are key. A good sense of humour is vital, and someone who words hard (has a good job that pays well would be a bonus, but not essential!!). Someone who is confident but not arrogant and absolutely has to be passionate about life as I love a good debate...so opinionated but reasonable at the same time! Too much to ask?!

I've met at least 4 men this year who fit that criteria though, and I still haven't felt inclined to pursue it...

[Seriouslyffs]

You sound bruised and low.
Give yourself a 3 date rule.
Don't dismiss possible partners until you've spent 3 dates with them, red flags notwithstanding.

[mellowyellow1]

^ 3 date rule sounds like a good idea! In my opinion people don't really start to relax and be themselves until you've met them a few times anyway, if that makes sense.

And regarding inviting friends round, unless you have really judgemental friends I bet no-one gives a damn what your flat looks like! I often have clothes and stuff everywhere but I'm sure my friends don't notice as they are there to see me!

A good job is something to be proud of too, and if it's going to get better next year then that's even more of a positive.

[springydaffs]

Right, to start with, get some new friends. Ie single friends. Of COURSE you feel jealous when what you long for is in your face the entire time. It would be like spending all my time with the mega rich - I'd start to feel jealous and dissatisfied.

Embrace the single scene and have a good time. Put your married/coupled friends at arms length. Really get into having a good time, exploring all the positives to the hilt.

Believe me, you don't want to be living the coupled life before you actually are. There are a great number of negatives to it along with the positives.

I know it's not easy but do your best to wrap your head around it and go for it.

[rockabillyruby82]

Hey Umbrella sorry you're feeling like this!
First remember that no one's life is perfect, those friends you're jealous of? They no doubt have problems, insecurities, etc. We all see others peoples lives through rose tinted glasses and them us.
Start looking at the positives in your life and embrace them. Keep dating or ask friends to set you up. Have friends round, real friends will want to spend time with you regardless of the surroundings. And you know what's great? You know what you want, you're ready for a family and it will happen. In the meantime enjoy life, say yes to opportunity, you just don't know what's round the corner!

[umbrellawork5]

I just feel defeated. I've been positive about dating and meeting new people all year. But the reality is that nothing feels right and it's just started to get to me.

I'm so fed up of going home alone and cooking alone etc etc.

I just want a family of my own, I've enjoyed the being free and in your twenties lifestyle.. I don't need anymore time to do all that, I got bored of it at least a couple of years ago now.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

I feel your pain OP.

I'm 37 next month. My boyfriend can't keep a job, and one year and two jobs down the line I'm getting a bit sick of "be patient"

I have a flat I get rent free through my voluntary job, but it's a grubby shithole. I'm always broke, have two jobs in the helping professions, and feel totally used up by people taking from me.

I just want a family too. In fact the feeling is so strong tonight that I just want to cry. It's shit; it really is😢

No words of inspiration I'm afraid. Apart from to let you know what you're far from the only one who feels like this.

[springydaffs]

I'm doing the free and single 50s lifestyle - does that make a difference?

What else can I do? Stamp my foot? This is how it is. Would a 30s single lifestyle be different to a 20s SL btw?

I get the frustration, I really do. Can't quite understand though how your whole being is in a reality you are not actually in. That is nuttsvile territory op.

[Jan45]

So it's only been a year since you broke with your last serious boyfriend so you have had relationships so it's not you, no.

You are very young, you will meet someone for sure, plenty time, no missed boats here.

Your married friends with kids will have days they wish they were you believe me but I do understand what you are saying, until you meet someone, living alone can be lonely at times yes, especially cooking for one, I hate that.

Hang fire, it will happen.

[ChristmasPartyDress]

don't compare. get a plan. look after yourself. turn on the heating! buy a cath kidston mug, or cushion! think about what your own agenda is. the word agenda sounds bad but remind yourself it's ok to have one.

I went to a 20 year school reunion when I was recently separate single parent living with my parents, and no job. I get it, I hear ya! but you are still so young. Nothing wrong with having a small place. It's your OWN small place.

[springydaffs]

Sorry I was a bit brutal up there op. My bad - I suppose it's not something I can entertain - longing, that is - bcs I can't go nuts.

Coming to terms with the reality, our reality, is notoriously difficult. Many examples of a reality someone resoundingly doesn't want eg bereavement. But that is permanent, whereas this isn't. We can certainly feel deep despair though.

In afraid I don't go along with the usual platitudes - it'll happen/relax etc - but I would say that accepting how things are now, at this moment, doesn't close down opportunities for the future. In short, accepting you are currently single doesn't mean you are shutting down meeting someone in the future.