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EA/DV help for my sister

(3 Posts)
Dolallytats Sun 22-Nov-15 09:13:47

Sorry if this is long-winded. I am posing for, and with permission from, my sister. She is almost at the end of divorcing her E/A husband, but she has some concerns. I shall try and include as much info as possible.

STBXH is a special constable at her local police station which makes some of what is happening a little more difficult for her. She has 4 children. The 2 eldest (DD's) have ME, the next eldest (DS) has anxiety and some behavioural issues that no-one is taking seriously, youngest (DD) has no additional issues.

STBXH has been EA throughout their marriage (21years), but Dsis did not really realise it. It is only now that she is seeing how his behaviour controlled her. They separated almost 2 years ago following his affair (he and OW are still together) When they separated in the beginning they argued quite a bit and at one point kicked the oven door in temper and the police were called. He was spoken to but, because the children were worried, she did not get him arrested. He was told to go away and calm down.

She told me today that he tried to run her over when she was on her drive around 15 months ago. He reversed, pushing her car into the garage and backing into her. She did not report this at the time because she was scared and wanted to forget it, but wishes she had done.

He sees the children one day a week every 2 weeks. He is not interested in having them more. When he has them they usually sit in his damp flat (no heating) and are given junk food to eat. If he takes them out, it is t oa shopping centre or Home bargains, but they are not allowed to buy anything.

Last week it was DD3 birthday and he was going to take them to a ceramic painting place (cost £40) but decided not to as it was too expensive. The children were only given a packet of crisps to eat the whole day. STBXH is currently on his 6th foreign holiday this year.

The children don't want to see their dad (except the youngest, although he has let her down loads and she is starting to feel the same as the others) but are too scared not to as they think he will take this out on Dsis. Dsis is scared of what he may do and is fully expecting him to attack her one day.

As she has not reported his EA (except that one incident) she doesn't think she has a leg to stand on. She would like the children to go to a contact centre as he is not looking after them properly when he has them. He also does not believe the girls have ME and has no patience with DS.

My sister has had years of him calling her fat, stupid and incapable and just wants him to go away. She is worn out (although has never regretted the divorce and has flourished in herself without him) and feels guilty and stupid that she stayed so long.

I have recommended the Freedom programme to her and suggested she calls 101 and logs the car incident and also that she could talk to the police DV unit (but she finds this hard as he is a special). Does anyone have any advice?

I apologise for the length of this, but, as you all know, these things are never straight forward!! Thank you.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 22-Nov-15 12:21:23

She needs specialist advice.

If the children are not being fed or housed properly when they are with him, this may be a case for SS.

Dolallytats Sun 22-Nov-15 13:26:05

Thank Rice, she is wary of SS but has said that she might need to speak to them. Her solicitor is not very good and she has no money. I have given her the addresses of a couple of DV support groups.

Unfortunately, I do not live near her and am agoraphobic so can't visit so can only give long distance support.

She is also nervous about what he will do if she does contact SS.

I wish we had known this was going on at the time.

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