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So bloody miserable

(19 Posts)
Dullfromdullsville Sat 21-Nov-15 19:56:33

Dh has just gone out again after we've had another row earlier. As a bit of background he has mental health issues and his moods are very up and down. This week he has gradually slipped into a low mood. Our time together has been spent with him hardly bothering to make conversation and making me feel quite lonely to be honest. When I ask him what's wrong and hint that his mood seems low he denies it as usual and says he's fine. I just wish he would be honest and admit he's feeling low as I can only assume if not that he's upset with me.
Fast forward to this afternoon, he's been a moody arse all day and I have been irritable with pmt and naughty kids pushing my buttons. He decides at 4 pm to have a beer to which I couldn't resist a snide comment about it being quite early for booze (he's not a drinker before anyone assumes) To that he chucked the can in the sink in a huff and accused me of constant critism. I accuse him of stonewalling and being an arse and told him to go out. Then grabbed the keys myself and went and sat in the car because I refused to be left to do dinner/bedtime alone whilst he gets to flounce off. I came back 10 mins later and said he should just go out after kids are in bed.
So he has, and I'm sat here feeling resentful and lonely.
I'm just so fed up with his mood swings one minute he's all full of love for me and really chatty and supportive and the next he's like a fucking zombie. I didn't know life with him would be like this and I feel cheated really, like I didn't sign up for this.

TheoriginalLEM Sat 21-Nov-15 20:03:21

You sound as bad as each other tbh

What mental health issues does he have?

ItchyArmpits Sat 21-Nov-15 20:09:21

I didn't sign up for this. In sickness and in health, and all that...

I just wish he would be honest and admit he's feeling low as I can only assume if not that he's upset with me. Why would you assume he's upset with you? That seems like a bit of leap.

The rest of it just sounds really petty. Sorry.

Dullfromdullsville Sat 21-Nov-15 20:11:47

Yes I suppose we are just as bad as each other. It's just not easy thats all, and I struggle from time to time. And yes it was a petty row but no less upsetting.

MyMoneyIsAllSpent Sat 21-Nov-15 20:15:04

So I guess from your first post that you do the bulk of the childcare, housework?

Are his MH issues medically diagnosed? Is he getting treatment for them?

ItchyArmpits Sat 21-Nov-15 20:15:52

How long has he had the MH issues? Is it a relatively new thing?

MyMoneyIsAllSpent Sat 21-Nov-15 20:16:41

Itchy you tend to make such assumptions because there are no other logical reasons for such behaviour.

ItchyArmpits Sat 21-Nov-15 20:17:36

And are you getting any support with his MH issues?

CurlyhairedAssassin Sat 21-Nov-15 20:18:55

Why the dig about the beer? You must have known that would provoke an argument, with the way he was feeling. Did you think that any reaction from him is better than none? confused

CurlyhairedAssassin Sat 21-Nov-15 20:19:45

And why not use the time the kids are in bed to have a proper talk?

ItchyArmpits Sat 21-Nov-15 20:20:36

MyMoney Problems at work? Problems with friends? Problems with other family members? Thinking about current affairs and getting into a low mood because of that? He accidentally shrank his favourite jumper in the wash?

I'm not trying to be facetious, just to show that there are many, many possibilities for someone being in a bad mood other than how they feel about their spouse.

Dullfromdullsville Sat 21-Nov-15 20:24:19

Hi itchy, he was diagnosed with bipolar 2 last year after a truly dreadful few months. He is medicated and more stable. He still has minor mood switches but not as bad as before. He is discharged from mental health team now and I have no support whatsoever. He works full time and is pretty hands on with childcare and does a few things round the house. Most falls to me as I'm home more which seems fair to me. I suffer with mild depression and am on st johns wort which seems to be working fairly well except for raging pmt as I mentioned!

Dullfromdullsville Sat 21-Nov-15 20:27:39

I don't know Curly, I guess I just thought that drinking beer at 4 in the afternoon would not be helpful to his mood. He chose to go out, I tried to talk it through but he didn't want to.

Dullfromdullsville Sat 21-Nov-15 20:29:40

As he left he did say that maybe we should put it behind us and start afresh tomorrow. So he gets to go out and have a night with his mate and I get to sit and stew with no way of talking about it.

peggyundercrackers Sat 21-Nov-15 20:41:08

Why would he talk through something when someone is having a go at him? Sorry but sounds like you make a lot of assumptions about his moods and how he is feeling. Maybe back off a little and not make assumptions?

Dullfromdullsville Sat 21-Nov-15 20:57:13

I see where your coming from Peggy but its quite hard in reality.

ItchyArmpits Sun 22-Nov-15 13:37:37

drinking beer at 4 in the afternoon would not be helpful to his mood

Entirely true - alcohol is a depressant. Hope you and him have managed to have a good talk today.

Support for carers of people with MH problems is v patchy across the country - it might be worth looking at places like MIND and Carers UK to see what support there is near you.

I think I phrased it badly before, but try not to assume that if he's not in a great mood it's because of you. That's a huge weight to carry on your shoulders, and one person alone does not have the power to 'make' another person happy, so in a way you're being very unfair to yourself. flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 22-Nov-15 14:39:53

As he left he did say that maybe we should put it behind us and start afresh tomorrow. So he gets to go out and have a night with his mate and I get to sit and stew with no way of talking about it.

Or you could go for a night out with your mates and then put it behind you. That would be the obviously fair approach. Do you go out for fun with your mates often enough?

Does your username describe yourself, your life, him, what?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 22-Nov-15 14:52:18

You are taking too much responsibility for his behaviour.

Why must he acknowledge to you that he is suffering from low mood, why must you talk about his MH, why do you need to tell him to go out?

When he is being a tit, fix him with a hard stare say "You are taking your mood out on me/us. Stop it please." Then mostly refuse to engage. "It's a shame you feel like that. Don't take it out on me."

He has to learn the self management techniques to make himself avoid the descent into the dark place and if he is down there, how to still behave properly towards others. Mothering him, taking responsibility for fixing him, will not help him, it will slow his learning. And it will drive you to the edge of sanity yourself.

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