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I left my abusive husband

(110 Posts)
plantyourhopewithgoodseeds Sat 21-Nov-15 18:03:40

After 5 years in what I can finally see as an abusive marriage I have left. It didn't start like this.

There were subtle emotional digs slowly chipping away at my confidence over time.

He told me I was mentally unstable that I needed to visit a GP and acquire medical assistance. He repeatedly told me that I was insane, if I ever got upset.

Everything was always "my fault"

He lied to me repeatedly with the justification that he did it because I would have only got angry therefore he could not possibly tell me the truth.

I wasn't "allowed" to be treated nicely as I didn't "deserve" it due to the fact I had the audacity to stand up to him at times.

He was sexually controlling

A compulsive liar

He gas-lighted

A cheat

He had a double life

To everybody else he was kind and caring and a wonderful, I thought nobody would believe me.

He told me if I ever left him he would destroy my life, make up lies, get me sacked from my job.

Over the past few months I began to wake up to the situation I started noticing things , started putting my ducks in a row and gathering evidence, finding a new home for myself, so I could leave.

Even when confronting him, it was my fault he met up with women for sex because I didn't fuck him when he needed it.....

I left, it's very early days, I feel free and I feel an immense feeling of relief. My space, body and brain finally feel like my own. I just can't believe at times I let this happen, some days I feel like screaming.

I never want him back in my life. I just need some support to stay strong and keep pushing on.

ALaughAMinute Sat 21-Nov-15 18:15:34

He sounds an absolute bastard! Well done you for leaving him. Happy days are ahead. Stay strong. flowers

Pipestheghost Sat 21-Nov-15 18:22:12

Well done op, he sounds fucking horrible. Have a few wine to celebrate and take one day at a time. I left an abussive partner many years ago, the best thing I've ever done, a life free from oppression and fear. Stay strong flowers

plantyourhopewithgoodseeds Sat 21-Nov-15 18:29:18

Thank you very much smile before I left I found documents, and on line pages on his computer on how to control and condition women it makes me feel sick. It's finally nice to see some clarity through all the shit. I waited for him to go on a "business trip" hired a van emptied my things and moved in a day. I started to feel unsafe at home. I have my evidence with me and have already instructed a solicitor. I know it will get better smile

plantyourhopewithgoodseeds Sat 21-Nov-15 18:31:45

It's really lovely to hear from those who have been in a similar situation.

celtictoast Sat 21-Nov-15 18:32:28


plantyourhopewithgoodseeds Sat 21-Nov-15 18:39:32

I have custard creams and strawberry cider, and my dogs and my cat with me smile

Happydappy99 Sat 21-Nov-15 18:42:54

He sounds horribly like my ex. Well done for leaving. It's a year since I walked away and its been a bumpy journey but I am happier than I've ever been.

Auti Sat 21-Nov-15 18:50:30

Well Done Sweetheart. Well done xxx

I need to find your strength!

Pipestheghost Sat 21-Nov-15 18:50:53

I'm glad you've got your pets with you smile they must give you a lot of comfort. You've done brilliantly, onwards and upwards.

manandbeast Sat 21-Nov-15 18:53:54

I don't know you but I'm proud of you. thanksthankswine

Auti Sat 21-Nov-15 18:54:52

Do have children with him?

plantyourhopewithgoodseeds Sat 21-Nov-15 19:13:35

Thank you so much for such lovely words and support.

No, no children thankfully. I married young at 19, I am 24.

He worked from home too apart and spent a period of time off work living off some money he had, so the abusive apart from when I was working was 24 hours a day, only when I had some time to myself when he started going on "business trips", my brain would start working. When I started to realise what was going on his behaviour stepped up.

I had to play the part for the last few months even though my skin crawled being nice to him, so I could gather every piece of evidence I could find, I had to keep allowing to think he was wining his little game and feeding his ego, I waited for him to go on a trip so I could hack the computer, unlock all the locked cases, turn on the multiple mobile phones confirm all of his lies and his double life and very quickly make my exit.

StayWithMe Sat 21-Nov-15 19:18:29

Well done, the hardest part is over. No matter what he says/does, you have your safe place.

Does he know yet and, if so, how dud he react?

3sugarsplease Sat 21-Nov-15 19:21:12

Well done thanks

plantyourhopewithgoodseeds Sat 21-Nov-15 19:33:41

Day one:He reacted by saying it was all my fault and did I realise what I was doing? That I had destroyed our marriage, that I was a fucked up spiteful bitch and how did he expect him to treat me, when I behaved in such a manner going through his personal things. That I will come crawling back because I will have nothing without him - utter bullshit.

Day two: that he has got serious problems that need addressing, that he wants me to come home and we can work through them together - not happening

Day three: That he is going to kill himself (used this one alot) has nothing to live for, that I have ruined his life there is nothing left for him now - utter bullshit

Pipestheghost Sat 21-Nov-15 19:48:19

Yes op, all the usual MO of an abuser, good to see you recognise all the bullshit. Stay strong, resolute and firm. You know you've done the right thing. You're young and you have the rest of your life ahead of you, I know that sounds like a cliche, but it's true flowers

StayWithMe Sat 21-Nov-15 19:50:44

He's panicking now because he's loosing his gripe on you. Stay well away from him. I really don't like that trying to get you to go to him. I wouldn't tell him too much about the evidence you have as you don't want to give him a heads up before the solicitor is properly involved.

StayWithMe Sat 21-Nov-15 19:52:31

Don't forget he'll either 'take ill' or you'll get a phone call saying he's 'attempted' suicide. Stay strong and keep in mind he's now going to be researching how to get you back.

AnyFucker Sat 21-Nov-15 19:54:07

This thread has made my day.

He's got the textbook, hasn't he ?

You are worth a million of him flowers

CheeseAtFourpence Sat 21-Nov-15 19:56:51

Stay strong. You can do it and you have your life ahead of you flowers

AdoraBell Sat 21-Nov-15 20:09:16

Well done OP, bloody well done.

Stay strong and never ever be taken in by the threats to kill himself, maybe call an ambulance, he'll have some explaining to do when they arrive, but never be guilt tripped into meeting him.

plantyourhopewithgoodseeds Sat 21-Nov-15 23:25:54

My sleep is a bit all over the place at the moment, still adjusting to everything.

I just want to say a massive thank you for all the kind words and support. In RL I have received oh it's such a shame, so young and getting divorced, and you must be heartbroken- In my head I think no its not a shame, and no I am not heartbroken. Everything I found was like a sigh of relief, that my doubts my concerns were a spot on, it was like liberation. So no it's not a shame at all.

I came and joined as I lurked for a while, I read threads of those in a similar position as me, read the advice and took it on board. I just want to say a thank you for all the people on here, who helped me when I needed it the most, for such wise words and advice that helped me to leave the situation.

DorynownotFloundering Sat 21-Nov-15 23:45:38

Bloody fantastic Plant

Text book MN "how to leave your abusive husband" !!!

Onwards & upwards for you, enjoy the rest of your life grin

Usedandabusedimhurting Sun 22-Nov-15 08:04:51

I left my abusive husband about 2 months ago. Like you I married at 19, and I'm a similar age too. Actually, your story is similar to mine.

Is he much older than you if you don't mind me asking?

Well done on leaving!! It's not easy.

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