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Not sure why this has affected me so much

(16 Posts)
fullenglish Sat 21-Nov-15 09:35:14

I was on Tinder for a coupl of weeks last Christmas and ended up swapping a few numbers. I ended up meeting one of them, and we ended up dating from about January to July. He travelled a lot with his job, but after about three months he started to mess with my head. Silent treatment, ignoring me for 1 week then coming back full force. Each time I tried to walk away he woul tell me he was in love with me and struggling with the feelings. In the end he just ghosted me one day, blocked me on everything and I never heard from him again. Whole situation was quite disheartening and made me feel quite low because he always made me feel like it was my fault he'd been a dick. I can't explain how but he was very convincing.

All the way through this, was another guy I'd swapped numbers with on Tinder. He was nothing like the other guy. Less good looking, less interesting, less "full on" but we messaged quite a lot as friends over time and slowly became something a bit like friends. We linked on facebook and we talked sometimes on the phone or facetime. He was just a consistently nice guy. He told me about his failed dates, he seemed quite down on himself and humble, and I told him about my woes. He told me in May or June tht he'd had enough of dating, having his heart broken, and he was just going to do hookups or casual relationships with no emotions. I told him I thought he was being silly but he was pretty fixed that this was what he wanted.

Fast forward a bit, and I split with the first guy, was very upset and ended up agreeing to finally meet and go for a drink with the second guy. At this point I was the second guy as a harmless softie that wasn't my type at all. When we met through, we got drunk and ended up in bed. It was actually pretty good and I had a really good night but I'd expected a one night stand for various reasons.

He suprised me, by leaving and basically letting me know he really, really liked me. That he'd felt something, couldn't stop thinking about me and he asked me if we could see each other again. I wasn't quite sure, but then we got on so well and the sex was 10/10 so I agreed.

All through this he was acting like he was mad about me. Constant texts and calling and wanted to see me every couple of days despite us living hours apart and working full time. I was a bit worried he was going to fall in love with me, and while I liked him I didnt think I liked him enough for a full relationship. I was actually a little embarrassed and said "no" when he asked me to meet his friends and I made it quite difficult for him to see me.

Then over another few nights together I thought to myself that I was being an idiot. That here was a great guy who'd been good friends with me for a long time, who I really fancied and who I knew was a nice guy that I loved being with and decided to make a go of it.

From then on things changed. I made myself more available, more affectionate and reciprocated more and lo and behold he started to go the other way. Less call, less effort, less available to see me sad

My alarm bells went off, so I ended it. Didn't explain, just told him it wasn't working. A few days passed and he came back to me saying he was just so upset and why was I giving up on such a good thing. Queue the romantic reunion and then as soon as we were back together he started doing it again but worse.

It was hard because at time he'd be so nice and act so crazy about me, then he'd be cold and weird and I felt like I didn't know what was up and what was down. I was angry and upset but felt desperate to do or say the right thing to get things back to where they were. We had a couple of blow outs and I expressed that I felt used, messed around and like he was hot and cold and he said he liked me a lot but didn't want to fall in love because he'd made the decision not to have a serious relationship.

I didn't know what to think or believe but it was grinding me down so I ended it properly and we've not talked for a couple of weeks. He has sent the odd text message. Quiet ones to let me know he was thinking about me but then if I have texted him, he doesn't reply.

Almost like he doesn't even talk to me unless it's on his terms and he only likes or wants me when I don't want him.

I realise as I type this I have to moe on and forget this guy, but for whatever reason It's really affected me badly and I am struggling with being played or messed around or conviced to care for someone who was not going to just be normal. Especially as he knew I'd just had someone else be such a dick to me and he'd promised to be diferrent.

I don't know what to do to feel better?

Also don't know how to get the courage to start ignoring him instead of replying, as I feel if I do there's no doubt we will end up back together and right back where I was.

I think I might even be depressed. I don't want to get out of bed or work or see anyone and feel so tired.

APlaceOnTheCouch Sat 21-Nov-15 09:44:15

I know it's suggested on here a lot but take a break from dating and have some relationship counselling. You can even do it online if you don't want to go out.

As for the guy, just block his number. If you try to explain that you're blocking him, he'll try to wear you down so just do it.

flowers you've had a shit time but it's all about them so now you have to focus on you.

fullenglish Sat 21-Nov-15 10:00:47

I was going to take a break from dating, thanks. Can't face anyone else making me feel like this.

I am just wondering how someone who I was with only a few months made me feel so awful. I really do feel turned inside out.

springydaffs Sat 21-Nov-15 19:34:09

Neither of you was telling the truth. You both played games - both because you have been hurt and terrified of being hurt again.My guess is he is feeling as fucked up and hurt as you are about this.

You know what hurt you and did your head in - but finishing it suddenly with no explanation would have done his head in. That was game-playing (yy in response to his game-playing but brutal nonetheless). You both appear(ed) to be playing out each other's very worst scenarios, playing from those scenarios of hurt, rejection, fear. Agony to read about. You're both like wolverine with the long hand spikes, slashing and stabbing one another.

Perhaps at least have a think about why you each need to have the upper hand. He showed his vulnerability by being clear he likes you, you showed your vulnerability by relaxing into a relationship with him. You both slashed one another at your most vulnerable - without discussing it, desperate to hold on to control/not be outdone by the other.

That's my pennyworth anyway. Sorry it's been so painful op.

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 21-Nov-15 19:46:26

You feel awful because you have a lot of unhealed wounds, and because you see relationships as a battlefield.

Your relationships are only going to stand a chance of working out - or at least be things you can venture into without agony - once you have healed.

That long OP is a torturous description of tactics and assessing danger. How exhausting! You'll know you're on to something when you want to enter a relationship simply because you have a frank admiration for someone, and they seem to frankly show it back, and you're eager to discover more of this person.

But as long as you're still talking fearfully about letting down your guard, and demanding exactly the right moves from the other person or it's game over, then you're not ready.

AnyFucker Sat 21-Nov-15 19:50:30

Sounds like both of you were getting players

Write him off and perhaps next time be a bit more true to yourself. If it's meant to be, it will but it will always get fucked up if you pretend to be something you are not

AnyFucker Sat 21-Nov-15 19:51:26

*GAME

fullenglish Sat 21-Nov-15 20:01:26

Thansk people for replying, means a lot as I'm still sitting here crying and haven't been so badly affected by a breakup for years.

I was really trying to listen when you all think I was playing games. Reading from respected posters I have to take into account that I was partially at fault.

From my perspective, I was sitting there observing a guy who was keen as mustard, suddenly being distant, evasive, unavailable and all of that was just telling me in no uncertain terms he obviously didn't like me as much as I liked him. His words were saying he did, but he wasn't showing that to me.

I know I was on the defense, but hard not to be when someone does that. I would have opened up and been diferrent but I guess the frustrating thing was that we were a bad mix. Maybe as you say, both knives.

He did tell me also that he wasn't looking for a serious relationship so am I not stretching my imagaination to read anything more into it than that he chased me and then didn't want me.

I mean, to me that was how it felt.

springydaffs Sat 21-Nov-15 21:25:40

Ricecrispie has it I think.

When I say games I don't mean games for the sake of it, I mean games bcs you are (both) heavily defended people. So you scratch each other to death, in terror. Plus I think you got bathed in his terror as well as your own: double whammy sad

I'd guess your devastation is the accumulation of a lot of pain in relationships. Ricecrispie is right about healing. Go to it lovely, but be kind to yourself, you're really hurting flowers

fullenglish Mon 23-Nov-15 01:08:50

Hi all

I just wanted to type because I can't sleep.

I am fairly sure I found out man 2 was seeing someone else; hence the weird behavior.

Hit me very hard. Have felt like it was a bit more than I can cope with. I don't usually feel so bad or low after things but I've not been able to eat all weekend, barely drink, have chain smoked. I can't speak to people, I don't want to go anywhere. I don't feel like crying but just feel like I am in physical pain in my soul if that makes sense.

This is not about this man, although shocked and disappointed, I feel a bit like I have exceeded the limit of pain I can cope with.

I never said much in my first post, but it's been two years of hell and hurt. I have kept up a brave face but feel like I can't cope.

yakari Mon 23-Nov-15 01:26:22

Your last post is probably the closest to the truth - I think sometimes one person can become a bit of a symbol of a larger problem. So it's not so much your upset by this guy but upset about the behaviour of the first guy, then this guy and frankly probably the whole dating thing plus whatever else has been happening the last couple of years.
It's possible that you are focusing all that hurt on this one person rather than acknowledge broader feelings. That's not unusual, often easier that way but try not to put the guy on a pedestal as you do so. He wasn't the great love of your life and if he's a player and seeing other people frankly he's probably just a twunt. Sounds like you have begun to work that out by your last post.
Give your self time to wallow but then you need to find the strength to have time out to look after yourself, if counselling works do that, others prefer exercise/yoga or just restarting old hobbies. Whatever it is that is important to you, and purely for you that's where you should focus.
Personally I'd put a deadline on it - ok I wallowed all weekend, so one more day then on Tuesday I will ... (go to a class, have friends over, go for a long run after work...) Then make sure you do irrespective of whether you really want to. And the repeat - keep doing stuff for you, delete tinder or any othe OLD and just focus on you and off the grid for a while.

Eminado Mon 23-Nov-15 01:36:10

You have already had some good advice that I dont think i can improve onblush.

I am sorry you are awake and hurting sad

Regarding that heart sore, soul pain, all you can do is treat it like an open wound - how
You would a physical injury. So clean it up, dont knock it about, be gentle with that area and give it time to heal.

Be very kind to yourself. Give yourself small goals eg to eat something. Then to get out the house. And so on. It does take time but that raw pain feeling WILL pass, I promise you.

Cloppysow Mon 23-Nov-15 01:42:39

A therapist once explained anandonment/rejection to me because i was having an issue similar to you. She said rather than us getting over each rejection/perceived abandonment, they build. Each on incubates and festers in our brain until the next one happens and releases all of the old feelings along with the new rejection, so each time it happens, your reaction becomes more disproportionate to the actual situation you're dealing with. Does that make sense?

fullenglish Mon 23-Nov-15 02:12:50

Thanks all.

Yes cloppy..that's exactly how I feel. My ex actually did abandon me in a literal sense. Disappeared one day.

Translator1000 Mon 23-Nov-15 06:40:37

Dear fullenglish

I am sorry you are hurting so much as well flowers. Please carry on posting anytime you are feeling down. Do you have friends and family who can support you?

I hope you are getting some sleep.

niceupthedance Mon 23-Nov-15 07:00:45

Just wanted to offer my support, I was where you are a few months ago, it all seemed so disproportionate. I went through it and came out the other side using the methods pp describe. You will feel better.

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