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Problems with my mother

(6 Posts)
Frith2013 Sat 21-Nov-15 00:24:45

I have posted about my mother before (and on the Stately Homes thread) but things have progressed and it would be helpful to have all replies at hand. If anyone works out who I am, please keep it to yourself!

A bit of background. Parents are in their early 70s. I have a sister, who left home at the earliest opportunity (was rarely there from about 14). I left at 18. Brother (early 30s) is still living with parents. Sister and I suffer from very, very long term depression, anxiety etc. Brother leads a strange life with no job, has never left home, never had a girlfriend. Parents have given him a barn and acres of land but have also managed to make it impossible for him to move into it, due to unnecessary legal clauses.

I thought my childhood was fine. I thought I was weird and could not understand why other children had no problems talking to others, told their parents stuff and seemed to find it easy to be happy. I saw 2 psychologists for years and went over the same ground that all my problems stemmed from my abusive marriage. Then, aged 36, saw a psych nurse who nearly fell off her chair when I talked about my mother...

Anyway, she is hugely controlling, criticises ALL THE TIME (I think you would really have to be there to understand what I mean!) and says what I can only describe as cleverly spiteful things.

The last 2 years have definitely been the worst. Brother is getting very unhappy (after spending years denying anything was wrong). Dad very occasionally says he is worried about mum but he is hardly ever left alone so can't discuss it. Other weird things are the house never, ever being cleaned and buying of hundreds of pounds worth of tins and jars of food which are stored for years until they have gone off. She also has 3 chest freezers of food.

Tonight has been the final straw for me and I know I have to do something. It is my dad's birthday today so I popped over with his presents and to have a chat. Mum no longer sits in the same room as dad in the evenings so she pretended she didn't know we were there (me, plus my sons were there for first 20 minutes). Dad went to get her but she wouldn't come and talk to us for 10 minutes or so. Then she appeared and was gushing and odd. Sons left with my brother. Dad, mum and I went into the living room. She criticised dad constantly, his relations, everything. Any thing I said was met with a sigh and eye rolling. She decided to test me on my times tables (!) Someone phoned her and she always puts the phone on speaker phone and rolls her eyes and mocks the person she is talking to. Dad then had the television on with the sound down and she is OBSESSED with what is on TV so she wanted the sound up/down/channels changed. Then she ordered dad to turn it off (this all in 2 minutes) and he was fumbling with the remote and she said, "Turn that television off now or you won't like what I shall do".

I just found that chilling. I know it probably doesn't sound like much but her really weird behaviour is just constant. My sons don't like her (they are 12 and 15). The last time we went round was bonfire night and I had made some brownies and she squashed them by putting her apple pie on top. Then she kept passing them round manically whilst saying "Mmmmmmm" about 50 times.

I know I need to do something now. I was thinking of phoning dad's sister (she's a long way away but dad never sees any friends by himself). I just realised I only have her new address but not her phone number and I nearly had a panic attack at not being able to phone her.

Aussiebean Sat 21-Nov-15 00:50:42

Is there a seniors welfare agency you can call? Not sure the correct term, but if the house is a mess then surely there is a government agency that helps in these situations.

I would advise not trying to do anything yourself. If she is going to get angry at someone, it is better that it is a third party with no enotional investment.

Frith2013 Sat 21-Nov-15 01:02:15

Thank you for your reply. The local nurse for older people is actually a friend of theirs! I have thought about telling their doctor who I know a little. He knows my brother very well. I don't know how the surgery would feel about a random women phoning saying her mother is behaving strangely.

Baconyum Sat 21-Nov-15 01:05:45

I'd get ss involved as it doesn't sound safe for your father and brother.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 21-Nov-15 01:50:54

Why do you have to do something? Genuine question.

She has been like this for years. She has gotten worse recently but it is just the same old shit ramped up a bit really, right?

Your dad and brother are grown ups. They can make choices and change things if they want to. You can't make them reject their abuser, it doesn't work like that.

What exactly do you think you could do anyway?

Aussiebean Sat 21-Nov-15 03:02:42

Social services sounds the way to go.

Whatever happens you should not be the one doing any push for change. Nor your sister

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