My 'mum' friends have all stopped speaking to me and are excluding me

[Florallycushions]

And I have no idea why :(

I am so upset. There are 8 of us in total, we have all been friends since our DCs were in reception together and they are now year 4. None of us live in each others' pockets but we have all always met up regularly for nights out, sometimes lunch or coffee at one of our houses, and of course chatted at school drop off and collection.

About a month ago everything was normal and then suddenly I just felt like I was being frozen out a bit. It was just small things like I sent texts to all of them about coming round to mine for a coffee and only one replied, and they couldn't make it. And seeing some of them at the school and they'd all stop talking when I walked over and were quite offhand with me when I was there. Then they'd all be in a hurry to go when I did talk to them. No one seemed to have any time for me and I just felt unwelcome. I am not normally a paranoid person but it really was a weird atmosphere.

Then DD came home from school one Monday a couple of weeks ago and said that the other children had said that they'd all been to a playcentre the day before together, with all the parents and siblings. But we hadn't been invited to that.

I decided to ask the two friends I felt closest to if I'd done anything to upset any of them in the group as I felt frozen out and hurt that we'd not been invited . One of the friends seemed very aggravated and irritated that I had asked and was very short tempered and snappy with me that no, of course I'd done nothing wrong and I was being silly. The other seemed sympathetic and made all the right noises and was all "Oh dear" but was on the fence and didn't give anything away.

So I decided to just carry on as normal, being chatty when I saw them, and they've all been offhand with me as usual. I guess I thought it would just blow over, or that maybe I was being paranoid.

This evening though I have seen on Facebook that all of the others are out for a pizza together. I was not invited. One of them commented on the photos of the meal that they "cannot wait for their Christmas shopping trip". Again I am not invited to this, whenever/wherever it is.

I feel so upset. I have other friends, but I have enjoyed having some mum friends and I hate injustice and feeling like I've been unfairly treated. And I honestly cannot think of a single thing I could have done to offend anyone. I think I've been a nice decent friend to them all, and the other friends that I have in my life must think I am decent as they are my friends. I don't think DD has had any arguments with the other kids as she doesn't hang around with any of the other mums' DCs at school (4 have boys and the 3 girls of the other mums are in different classes to DD)

DH says it's almost like they are bullying me by exclusion. :(

[tribpot]

It sounds very upsetting - and unfair.

Unfortunately I think you've done everything you can. You've asked them if you've done something to offend and they've basically shut you down. I suspect that one of them is claiming you've done something you haven't, and the others are just blindly following along. Has anyone joined the group recently?

I don't think you will get anywhere with a more direct confrontation, it's probably time to cut your losses and move on. Obviously ditch them on FB so you don't have to see what they're up to.

[AIN]

That's so sad. If you've already asked and nothing has been given away then I would cut my losses. Do they ever talk to you first anymore? I wonder if something you've said has been taken out of context maybe.

[Florallycushions]

No they never approach me anymore. I think I will just cut my losses and move on. Hate horrible atmospheres though.

No one new has recently joined the friend group but there are a couple of strong characters whom I can possibly imagine the others taking notice of and doing as they say.

[Sonnet]

I can't bear grown women who act live silly girls...
It sounds to me as if you have done everything you can to sort the situation in a mature way.

Be friendly and pleasant when you see them but draw a line under them and move on. Would you really want to be 'part of a group' that treats others like that?

It will be one of the others next!

[StealthPolarBear]

Very mean of them.
I'd politely comment on the fb pictures and then mentally relegate them to "people I know"

[Sonnet]

Keep smiling - you are worth more than this...

[StealthPolarBear]

Ooh just a thought - have you planned secondaries? Is your dd going somewhere different from the others?

[Florallycushions]

No, no secondary planning yet; the kids will probably all go to the same one though.

[StealthPolarBear]

Oh well that's that out

[insameboattoo]

Sorry to hear about this. You sound lovely. Distance yourself from them.

[kelper]

I had this happen, it's horrid and childish and you have my sympathies :(
I'm none the wiser as to what on earth happened, but I'm 18 months past it and I'm over it now, but it fucking hurt at the time.
I don't think of them now, and talk to other mums, but I've learnt my lesson and I'm not as close to people at school now :-/

[CointreauVersial]

One way to test them - why don't you set up a social, invite them, see who comes? That will confirm whether or not you're imagining things.

But if the frost persists, just move on. Find better friends.

[CointreauVersial]

Mmmm...just noticed you did that already...

[StealthPolarBear]

I really want to know

[Florallycushions]

Thank you for the replies!

I think keeping my distance generally with everyone at the school is the way forward really. Can't be doing with this happening again :(

[Mintyy]

Oh Florally . How horrible for you. Why do groups of adult women do this?

It's bad enough when they are just children and learning about stuff.

[hollieberrie]

Oh that is so hurtful, so sorry OP. I've had this happen to me as an adult and it hurt so badly. Still have occasional bad dreams about it even now to be honest. Why are people so fucking horrible???

I read something on another thread about friendship groups where a poster said something like "in order to make themselves feel like insiders, they have to make someone feel like an outsider", or something like that. I thought it was very true. This say a whole lot more about them and their insecurities and need to "belong" than it does about you.

Fuck those people. God i am fuming on your behalf, they are grown adults FFS, its so unnecessary, When it happened to me, i just tried to feel secure in the fact that i know i am a nice person and had done nothing wrong and that morally they were in the wrong, not me. It doesnt give much satisfaction but it does help a bit i think.

[scratchandsniff]

That's just plain nasty. I really feel for you. If they were schoolgirls they'd be pulled up on their behaviour.

All you can do is try not to interact with them anymore, treat them at they're treating you I.e. freeze them out. Maybe unfollow them on fb for the time being rather than unfriending, so things don't get more awkward. IMO situations like this come from someone's jealousy.

[SlightlyJaded]

I think in your shoes, I would move on but not without sending an email with all of them CC'd along the lines of:

I have, for some time, felt excluded from our friendship group. Whilst I initially tried to ignore it, and as you know and asked whether I had done something to upset anyone (this was denied), it has become apparent that you have collectively decided to exclude me from social arrangements.

We are all adults and perfectly welcome to chose whom we do and don't invite out, but having been part of - what I thought was - a nice friendship group, I wonder whether any of you will have the decency to explain why this happened. Perhaps so I can not make the same 'mistake' next time I form a group of friends?

And in the meantime, I would like you to know that I am not a 'drama queen' and have found this whole thing rather humiliating, but felt obliged to write to you all a) in the hope someone would explain and b) to let you know that fully grown adult or not, you have all succeeded in making me - and DD to a degree - feel bullied, excluded and upset.

Wishing you all well.

Cushions.

Or something better that makes them feel ashamed of their spiteful behaviour.

Then move on.

bullying, no question.

[HustleRussell]

Women at a school worrying you? They seem pretty worthless to me. Fuck them. And move on.

[BirdyArms]

Is there a 'ringleader' in the group? I had something similar with a group of friends but I'm pretty sure it was really just the one woman who organises most things, who decided not to invite me any more. She is very charismatic, can be absolutely charming but can be a complete cow. I don't think she said anything to the other friends, who did still occasionally invite me along (but as they hardly ever organise anything that was not often). I was very upset at the time, the low point was when they all went camping for the weekend without us. I have never found out what I did to deserve this.

She has thawed out a bit now, two years on, and does sometimes invite me to coffee, dinner etc and I do go along. But I feel like I've learned a lesson and don't count her as a real friend any more. Very glad that I wasn't actually at school with her, she must have been incredibly manipulative as a child! I am sad about the others who either didn't notice anything or didn't challenge her if they did. But I have other friends and at least I feel I know where I stand now, I wouldn't be as upset next time.

I think these things can happen, you may never get to the bottom of it. All you can do is keep your dignity and try not let it get you down.

[Lovemytent]

Absolutely clutching at straws here - has your child done something to upset one of their children perhaps? Maybe the moms are too silly to silly to act like adults regarding it, and have turned it into a 'mom' issue rather than a 'kids' issue ??

[Canyouforgiveher]

I really wouldn't email them. It gives them way more importance than they are worth. And gives them justification for their behaviour "I can't believe she was so insulting to us" Better to ignore and leave them at it.

I'm thinking you are way better off without them. It is possible one or two of the stronger (and more unpleasant) personalities said "Oh lets not invite Florally" and the others went along with it. The ones who decided to exclude you are horrible and the ones who went along with it are almost worse - horrible and spineless. Just do what you decided and ignore.

If anyone else at school asks you about them "aren't you friends with xyz" then I would say "well I was but they started behaving all teenagery so I don't bother any more". Say the same to them if it ever comes up especially if it comes up as an apology - just say oh as an adult and mother I steer clear of any bitchy teenagery behaviour.

One of my old school friends was thinking of organising a high school reunion for us. We all spent all our school years together and graduated 30 years ago. No big cliques, no drama in our small class. One comment from a few people she proposed it to was "Oh but do we have to invite Susie Smith" FFS. It was 30 years ago and the girl was perfectly fine just turned out more successful than her friend group. Who has time to behave like this as adults

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Ach - this is horrible. Particularly as there are little ones involved. Just horrid.

The email is good but I wouldn't send it. Anything you do is going to be "wrong" and it is just another thing to be picked apart. The best "revenge" is to live well. I would move on. Be civil and unbothered when you speak to them and still invite their DCs to parties etc. But mentally cut them off. On Facebook, I think you can not unfriend then but do something so they can't see your status updates. If that is the case, I'd do that. Again, I think a mass unfriending is going to give them more to talk about. Indifference is your friend here

[Artistic]

Been there & seen that. Sometimes it's not something you've done, rather something you've NOT. Like cancelling on a play date for genuine reasons or forgetting to wish someone for their birthday or forgetting to congratulate someone for something wonderful their child did which you may not even be aware of. People who exclude for such trivial reasons are not worth you worrying about and looking for what you have ( not) done. Keep away from them...if they do it once, they can do it again!!