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honest opinions - do you think he isn't ready to live with me and the children?

(79 Posts)
TreesInSpace Fri 20-Nov-15 18:33:17

Background so as not to drip-feed:

My boyfriend and I are 47.
I have two kid age 6 and 8 from my previous relationship.
He has none.
I have lived on my own for the past 11 years, as the children's father and I never lived together, he'd just stay sporadically for days or weeks at a time as it suited him.
My boyfriend lived with his previous and her then teenage children for 15 years. She did not want more children, he went along with that.
We were both single for 3-4 years each before we met eachother.
We don't live together, but he stays every weekend and we've been on holidays and so forth and he's very much part of my family. My children have called him 'Daddy' since the youngest was about 3.
They know the distinction between my boyfriend and their bio Dad. They haven't seen or spoken to their bio Dad in 4.5 years.
We lost an (unplanned) baby last year to miscarriage. We don't plan on more.
Neither of us have been married before and we both privately rent.

Now to my query: Can I have your honest opinions - do you think he isn't ready to live with me and the children?

I've been given notice on my house, I was supposed to move out last Friday but am negotiating until Christmas. It's looking unlikely though.

Boyfriend and I have lightly discussed living together, but he is adamant he wants it to be a joint decision, not a decision forced by the circumstance of my Notice.
He admits he's scared at prospect of living with someone again, but is prepared to be scared.

I am struggling/indeed underplaying how difficult it is to find myself a next property. In this town, there's about 6 on Rightmove within my budget, and they're all 2 not 3 bedroom, and all in 'bad' areas where I wouldn't feel safe to leave the house unburgled every day.

I've had conversations about this with him, and he reassures me with, 'Well you won't be homeless, you can stay here if you need to'.

Four people in a small one-bed flat is risking our relationship I think. Surely that limited space would exacerbate any stress?

But another time, he's said, 'stay here for a few months and I'll give notice and we'll find somewhere together'.

Then it's radio silence on the subject until I bring it up again.
I'll show him a picture of a great house, and he responds with, 'so you are trying to twist my arm now?' I think he's worried that I'm trying to find us a house right now when I'm not, I was just showing him what is available. But that reply made me shrink.

He also regularly says he'll 'marry me one day' but I don't take it seriously, because it's said in lighthearted conversation. I've not been proposed to and don't have an engagement ring obviously.

Basically I feel very confused. I don't want to 'force' a man to live with me, either because my notice has run out, or because he feels he has to temporarily house me whilst I look for somewhere else.

Yet he sometimes insinuates it's what he wants confused.
I'm even holding back on buying things I need, like a new washing machine, and a new bed, because I think, I'm duplicating household goods if we do end up moving in together, so it would be a waste of money as he already has these items.

Also, getting a new rental costs up to 2.5 thousand in fees/advance/bond etc. If I put that much money down now on a place just for me and the kids, then in 6 months he says he's ready to live together now, I've wasted that money.

My options are to either all go and stay with him in his one bed flat for a few months, and he's said before he'd give notice and find somewhere together (but that contradicts his insistence he doesn't want to do this out of forced circumstance, which is what my Notice is)

Just go ahead and rent a new place for myself and the kids.

3.5 years is a long time together to know if you're ready to progress your relationship or not, isn't it? I'm just confused, and under stress to make a quick decision, as either way I have to move !

What would you advise? Thankyou flowers

wonderingsoul Fri 20-Nov-15 18:37:02

I would look for your own place then he can move in with you when your all ready is what I would do.

gamerchick Fri 20-Nov-15 18:38:15

Find somewhere else for you and your kids and leave him out of it. Him dithering and you waiting for him to give you th green light won't do you or your kids any good. Think of them only for now.

cuntycowfacemonkey Fri 20-Nov-15 18:39:10

Personally I would make my plans on the assumption that he doesn't want to move in together anytime soon. If he's not ready after 3.5 years he's not likely to come to you in 6 months and change his mind and if he does I'd be inclined to say tough shit.

Kr1stina Fri 20-Nov-15 18:39:18

If he was keen to move in together he would be house hunting and he's not . I reckon he likes things just the way they are , he likes keeping his options open.

If you've been with him for 3,5 years and you are both 47 , he's never going to change . What you see is what you get .

TreesInSpace Fri 20-Nov-15 18:42:15

Wonderingsoul I can't afford a house on my own that is big enough for him too as he requires a suitable workspace for his business.

Gamerchick That is my gut feeling (I think confused ) but 'saving money' seems to be my priority. The thousands of pounds I put down now on renting a flat for me and the kids on our own, would have been the downpayment for a big house for us all. It seems a waste.

TreesInSpace Fri 20-Nov-15 18:44:46

Yes I did read somewhere along the lines of 'when a man speaks, listen. He's telling you what he thinks'.

In other words, he's not as Kristina says above, making effort to look at houses himself (for the future, as obviously he'd have to give 2 months notice anyway on his place so if it did happen, it wouldn't be until next Jan/Feb anyway).
But he's not giving any indication he thinks it's exciting, or a good development, or a sensible move financially, and so on.

wonderingsoul Fri 20-Nov-15 18:45:55

In which case I think you need to have a serious chat with him it's or never kind of thing.

Then depending on what he says decided what you want out the relationship. . Can you be happy with living in separate house for good? Many people live happy like this, it works for them would it you though?

TreesInSpace Fri 20-Nov-15 18:47:17

Just to add, he left his ex after 15 years because heir came to a natural end, and he suffered for it, as he's a compassionate man and felt awful guilt, and they had bought a house together and had to sell that too which added to stress/guilt. So no wonder he is reluctant to live with someone again. He often says he 'doesn't want to repeat history'.

Does that mean He already thinks he could fall out of love with me, and living with me might speed that realisation up? He doesn't give me the impression he is 'unsure' about me, but then I am not good at reading people really.

ProfGrammaticus Fri 20-Nov-15 18:48:47

Gamerchick is right. Find somewhere just for you and your kids, it will be a false economy if you accommodate him and then just end up moving again because you can't afford the place on your own. He obviously likes the current set up and I can see why - he gets the best if both worlds, doesn't he?

cuntycowfacemonkey Fri 20-Nov-15 18:48:55

Personnally I think it's a bigger risk to put down money to set up home with this guy -sorry OP even if he does come around to living together I really feel that somewhere along the line you will be left with a big house you can't afford once he decides family life is not for him.

Whatever you do make sure you cover yourself financially

TreesInSpace Fri 20-Nov-15 18:49:18

Womderingsoul but that sounds like an ultimatum chat. I don't want to issue ultimatums.

ProfGrammaticus Fri 20-Nov-15 18:50:25

Maybe it's the best if both worlds for you too - you can be in a relationship but do everything in your home and with your kids your way. I think it sounds pretty good tbh!

TreesInSpace Fri 20-Nov-15 18:52:46

Why do most couples decide to move in together anyway?

Is it just a romantic notion, or financial, mor mix of both, and who's generally responsible for suggesting it and motivating the process??

The first boyfriend I lived with, he was 18 and me 21 and he was moving out of his parents, so it was all young and silly stuff.
My second boyfriend he was 18 and me 27 (blush I know!) and again, he was moving out of home, so neither of those experiences were really adult decisions.

TreesInSpace Fri 20-Nov-15 18:54:58

I must respond to suggestions that I should get a big house and invite him to live with me and the kids in the near future - I can't afford a big house on my own. I can only afford that with him. All I can afford right now is a 2 bed house or flat for myself and the kids.

TreesInSpace Fri 20-Nov-15 18:56:34

The thing is ProfGrammaticus, I don't like the idea of contemporary living with couples living separately forever, it's too modern for me.

SilverBirchWithout Fri 20-Nov-15 18:57:22

The question really should be whether YOU actually really want to live with him. Apart from the expense and problem finding a suitable place to live would you be wanting to live with him?

There are a lot of advantages being in a relationship and still maintaining a level of separate independence.

TreesInSpace Fri 20-Nov-15 19:00:58

Yes, SilverBirch, I've wanted to live with him for about a year now. He knows that.

What's sticking in my mind is what someonidy said above, that you'd know after 3.5 years if you wanted to live with someone.

Our relationship needs to progress, that's the traditional way of doing things, not remain static which is how I see living separately foverver. I want to share a life with him, all the ins and outs, not just the good bits on a weekend.

ProfGrammaticus Fri 20-Nov-15 19:02:09

What do you mean "too modern" though? Do you want to live with him? Have you thought over your reasons why?

Twinklestein Fri 20-Nov-15 19:03:19

I don't think he wants to live with you and I doubt he ever will.

If he did he wouldn't be making excuses, but using this issue to take the relationship forward, moving in together.

The marriage thing is just a dangling carrot, you're right not to take it seriously.

ProfGrammaticus Fri 20-Nov-15 19:04:47

Yes I think you're right twinkle. Maybe he will once the kids are grown and gone though?

AlwaysBeYourself Fri 20-Nov-15 19:05:29

He is not ready to live with you or marry you at this time. If he were he would be actively searching for homes for all of you and planning the future with you all in it. He is not.

You need to go ahead and find the perfect little home for you and your children without thinking of him as part of this decision. That is the present.

loveyoutothemoon Fri 20-Nov-15 19:07:08

Agree. Look for something for you and your kids. He obviously doesn't want to make that step. It could spoil it for you both. But if you can't live with this idea/would make you unhappy, maybe it's time to split.

wannaBe Fri 20-Nov-15 19:08:45

you need to decide what it is you want, and then you need to sit down and have a discussion with him about what it is that you both want as a couple.

It's not easy, and it doesn't have to be an ultimatum, but it can be a chance for you to give him a choice.

so something along the lines of whether he wants to be with you permanently in the future or whether he sees the relationship as it is now as being the relationship of the future. There's no wrong in admitting that if that's what he wants the relationship to be like, but if you want more then you need to ask him to be honest with you so you can amend your expectations accordingly.

There's nothing worse than having expectations of a certain type of relationship only to discover that the other party is actually quite happy with things the way they are at the moment. It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to end things, but if you know where things are (or aren't) going looking forward then you can make your own future choices based on what you know to be the case, iyswim.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 20-Nov-15 19:09:02

No he doesn't want to live with you and the children and there's nothing wrong with that. He may never do. He has the right to live where and with whom he chooses, as do you.

I'm married but a (married) friend and I were discussing this just the other day. We both agree that if (God forbid) we were to become single, neither of us would ever live with someone again. Don't get me wrong, I love my DH, but it is hard work at times, sharing space. And no matter how much you love someone, you do give up a large bit of independence when you live with or marry someone.

At 47, your bf is probably set in his ways living on his own and happy to be so. It's up to you to decide if you want to continue the relationship knowing that he doesn't want to live together.

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