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Should I expect my BF to make an effort with my friends?

(69 Posts)
VIX1307 Fri 20-Nov-15 17:03:09

I always make the effort to go to anything that my partner invites me to. I like to get to know the people that are important to him and IMO that's something you should do in a relationship.
After inviting my boyfriend to an evening wedding reception 2 months prior (which he agreed to) When I reminded him the day before the wedding, his response was "Do I definitely have to come?". I told him no he didn't but it would be nice if he made the effort, especially as he has already RSVP'd. He agreed begrudgingly but made a big deal of it to the point I almost felt like telling him not to bother. He also booked a cab before the night was over without telling me until it arrived and told me to 'stay and enjoy myself'- he went home at 10.30, this upset me somewhat seeing as I was left alone with a group of 5 other couples (my friends, whose partners made the effort to stay out)
This isn't the first time it's happened and he has told me outright before that 'he has no interest in getting to know my friends'.
His argument was that if I didn't want to come out with his friends he wouldn't have a problem with it and definitely wouldn't want to make me do anything that I didn't want to do.
It was my birthday recently and he even pulled out of my own party (again with all my friends) last minute because he 'wasn't feeling well'.
Amongst many other occasions. One night we both went to the pub where we both had a group of friends there. I made sure I came over to say hello to his friends before making my way out to the garden to join mine. He didn't even come out and say hi and it just made it really awkward as everyone was asking if he was going to come over and say hello (it doesn't take much does it?) He finally did at the end of the night when I passed him on route to the bar and basically had to remind him it would be nice if he could come out even for 5 minutes to be polite.
I know it's silly to compare things like this but you can see the difference when of our 37 mutual friends on Facebook only 2 of them are my friends- all the rest are his that I have made the effort to get to know.
It's just something that really grates on me and I feel like if he cared about me that much he would make an effort to do something to make me happy. AIBU?

Redskyatnight01 Fri 20-Nov-15 17:07:16

God no you're not BU at all!

It would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid. It shows a complete lack of respect for you and also a lack of interest in you too. As well as a whole host of other things like lack of manners and rudeness! None of which I find attractive in s partner. He sounds selfish and self absorbed.

How long have you been together?

Hamishandthefoxes Fri 20-Nov-15 17:08:39

Sounds to me he is trying to get you to choose him over your friends which is a big red flag.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

ImperialBlether Fri 20-Nov-15 17:10:32

I agree with Redsky. It's a deal breaker, disrespectful and rude.

If he's not interested in meeting your friends, he's not interested in you, I'm afraid.

I bet if you dump him your friends will back you up and tell you exactly what they thought of him.

VIX1307 Fri 20-Nov-15 17:11:25

We've been together a year, I'm starting to wonder whether or not this is something I should be putting up with or not.

Jan45 Fri 20-Nov-15 17:11:41

How bloody rude of him, sorry but he sounds a twat, what's the big deal, if he can't do a simple thing like that for you, I'd question his ability to actually put you first now and again.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 20-Nov-15 17:14:14

That is extremely poor behaviour. Why do you tolerate it? I'd have dumped him when he said he had no interest in meeting my friends. Or when he blanked them and embarrassed me in the pub. Or when he said you were not allowed to feel upset by his bad behaviour because he wouldn't mind if you wanted to behave badly too and then continued repeating the behaviour that upsets you.

Each one of these things is a deal breaker. Put them all together and I wonder why you didn't bin him ages ago?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 20-Nov-15 17:15:12

Why would you even consider putting up with it?

EllieJayJay Fri 20-Nov-15 17:17:23

Has he always been like this? Or is it a new thing?

Just seems very weird when you have been together for a year, my partner would never miss something to celebrate my birthday been together two years - just seems very weird indeed and quite sad I feel sorry for you X

VIX1307 Fri 20-Nov-15 17:20:45

It's always been like this, but I just put it down to us getting to know each other and assumed as the relationship progressed that it would get better. The sad thing is I said to my friend on the day of my birthday party that I wouldn't be surprised if he cancelled for some poor reason. Who knows he may have actually been ill but it just seemed a little too convenient timing.

RatherBeRiding Fri 20-Nov-15 17:24:29

Playing devil's advocate here (because I am downright anti-social at the best of times!) - does he find it difficult to socialise with people he doesn't know very well? Would he rather you did things just the two of you? Admittedly even if he does have some social anxiety then if he cares for you he ought to make the effort from time to time but I can kind of see that if he's not a social person then it could all get a bit wearing if he's constantly being asked to go to lots of events with lots of people he doesn't really know.

On the other hand he might just be rude and self-centred. In which case - bin!

MarkRuffaloCrumble Fri 20-Nov-15 17:24:33

Is he shy or anxious? i must admit, hanging out with people I don't know well is my worst nightmare. I nearly bailed on DP for a wedding last year as it was all his friends and family and I felt really awkward. I would make the effort to say hello if we were out, but I don't think gou need to blend all your friends to have a relationship, no reason why you can't have separate groups of friends.

bjrce Fri 20-Nov-15 17:24:30

Hi op, this happened with my DS, she had a bf. Every time he had a family occasion she attended. He had no interest what so ever in attending our family get togethers. He was even from the same area. We knew his family. He, himself was just an ignorant, selfish arsehole. We could see the embarrassment and awkwardness with my DS. When they finally broke up, she was amazed no one like him!

MarkRuffaloCrumble Fri 20-Nov-15 17:25:46

x post rather - introverts unite (on our own at home)!

AnotherEmma Fri 20-Nov-15 17:27:50

Not going to your birthday party is an absolute deal breaker IMO. That, coupled with the fact that he's actually told you he doesn't want to make an effort with your friends (and demonstrated it several times already), and I'm wondering why you haven't broken up with him yet?

You deserve better, you deserve someone who makes and effort with you and your friends. Being shy has nothing to do with it, he is just being a disrespectful dick.

VIX1307 Fri 20-Nov-15 17:32:20

No, he's very sociable and very charming when he wants to be (with his friends/family) and never shuts up when he's talking to them. He's only been in the area 2 years and every time we go out he's bumping into people he knows and has made lots of friends in the local rugby club he's joined.. He work in marketing and his job is based around hosting client dinners and presenting in front of large rooms of people- so I don't really see how he can be that shy!

AnotherEmma Fri 20-Nov-15 17:34:52

Dump the dickhead already.

loveyoutothemoon Fri 20-Nov-15 17:37:14


willconcern Fri 20-Nov-15 17:40:11

My ex was like this. It becomes embarrassing when you always have to explain his absence. It was deal breaker for me. He got dumped. Funniky enough, nine if my friends (or family) liked him. My friends are important to me, and he used to say things like "they are your friends, not mine, I don't know them". No, and you never will if you always say you don't want to go out with them. He also used to be completely happy for me to go out with them, and just couldn't understand why I might want to go with him sometimes.

I vote dump him and find someone who gives a shit about meeting other people who are significant to you.

willconcern Fri 20-Nov-15 17:41:40

None of my friends, not nine of them!!

TooSassy Fri 20-Nov-15 17:46:50

Yes you should.

On one hand it points to an inate selfishness on his part. Getting to know other people can be hard work. So either he can't be bothered. Not good.

Or the scenario which is even worse. He's trying to isolate you gradually so that you only see his friends etc.

A year in and he should absolutely be joining you at occasions like these.

Move on OP.

hangingoutattheendofmywick Fri 20-Nov-15 17:55:33

Well.... I think it depends. I had a BF like this and after a long time I realised it was because he was very very awkward in social situations and got really nervous. It was quite painful for him.
I think if he was stopping YOU from seeing your friends that would be a massive deal breaker - but if he's just not interested in your friends it's not a huge deal (but with everything it's how YOU feel about it that counts).

My partner now isn't too fussed about my friends at all and I'm happy with that - he has his friends and I have mine. I feel no desire for him to get to know them. However - my closest family member and husband ... They are our social circle and if he didn't want to be with them I'd have an issue. But thankfully he loves them. Generally though he dislikes ... Well, everyone.

0dfod Fri 20-Nov-15 17:59:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pocketsaviour Fri 20-Nov-15 18:01:45

He's told you flat out that he's not interested in your friends. Some people are like this (I am! I have enough friends and don't feel any need to add to that number by cosying up to a partner's friends as well.)

If that's a deal breaker to you, it's a deal breaker. You sound like you have very different approaches to socialising, and over the years that's probably going to be a point of arguments, I'd imagine.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Fri 20-Nov-15 18:03:29

oh well, no excuse then! I could forgive an introvert for behaving that way to preserve their energy, but if he's otherwise sociable there's no reason other than because he's an arse

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