Dating a man child - bad idea?

[OiledBegg]

I'm good friends with a guy who I've considered dating, as we get on so well.
However he's early 30s and still lives with parents - they've let him stay so he can save for a deposit for a house and he's never had a relationship serious enough to consider moving out.
We were talking the other day and it transpired he's never cleaned a bathroom or toilet - EVER! His Mum's always done it so he's "never had the chance".
I'm 29 and been living away from parents since I was 18, so always done my own housework and even before then I'd clean for my mum.
This is a HUGE turnoff for me, am I being precious? He's just not in the real world.

[StrawberryTeaLeaf]

It wouldn't work for me.

He hasn't had to be idle/clueless/helpless. He's chosen it.

[AliceInUnderpants]

Depends what you want from dating him, really. If you're just after a shag and a bit of company does it matter? If you're looking long term for someone to clean the loo, I'd back away.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Not just a bad idea to date someone like this, its a terrible one!.

Such men do not change; he has chosen this lifestyle for his own self and will never break away from mum nor will she let him go. He's become infantalised. Its all very convenient for him too. It could also take him years to save for a deposit for a house.

[Potatoface2]

if no woman ever dated a 'man child' the human race would die out....my husbands idea of cleaning the toilet is putting the lid down!

[srslylikeomg]

Date him once he's got the house and proved he can clean the loo? Personally knowing what I know now, three children down the line, the thing that keeps a relationship working isn't sex or flowers or dates it's the bloke knowing where the fuck the Hoover is and picking up his own shit. Consider this an early warning maybe... But I'd be out if there!

[srslylikeomg]

of

[afferal]

Met my DH when he was 28 and still living at home. He had never used a washing machine,cooked,cleaned or even ironed a shirt. He's now pretty good at most "domesticated" jobs..apart from cooking.Cleaning the toilet is his job I hardly ever have to clean it now, I still do most of all the other jobs because I prefer to but I know I can rely on him if I need him to help/do them.Depends if he's willing to learn/change, my Dh was actually quite embarrassed he'd not done these jobs and was happy to learn/shown how

[lorelei9]

no way
so what he's never had a relationship that would make him move out - if he had no urge to move out and be independent himself, I'd be worried. An adult living independently at their parents, purely for financial reasons, would be doing cleaning etc.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Ewwwww
No way

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Hmm. For me it would depend on how he responded to being told to do odd jobs around the house when staying over. If he responded to polite requests with a good grace and executed tasks to a reasonable standard (i.e actively paying attention and trying to get it right) then I'd consider him to have potential. You'd have to road-test him to get to this point, though, obv

[pocketsaviour]

If you're just looking for a bit of fun, go for it.

If you're looking for someone to settle down with and have a family, steer well clear - unless he can move out and demonstrate that he can keep his life afloat without his mum's intervention.

[Cloppysow]

I know quite a few people who still live with their parents in their late 20's because private renting is rediculously expensive and a deposit takes a while to save.
I have a feeling my boys will be with me until they're well through their 20's because of this.
They can clean. Admittedly they haven't done the toilet. They are only early teens though.

[pocketsaviour]

Also, I'm a bit judgeypants about his parents not expecting him to step up and do his own cleaning. From mid teens, my son earned his allowance by cleaning the kitchen, bathroom, cutting the grass, putting the vac round, etc. He knew how the washing machine and tumble dryer worked because he did his own laundry. He also proposed a scheme when he was 15 where I'd give him an extra allowance every week and he would buy his own food - it made him very conscious of the cost of stuff.

He has his own place now and it frequently does get into a tip - but at least I know that's through typical young person laziness and not for want of me teaching him!

[DrMorbius]

I lived at home until I was 25, my DM was a stay at home mum. I never cooked, cleaned, ironed or did anything. Guess what I am intelligent and adaptable (myth buster!!! house work is not rocket science).

Moved in with the lovely MrsMorbius, now I am a whiz at cooking (I do 99% of the cooking), must of the ironing. Never really liked cleaning, so now we have a cleaner (but that was after 20 years of marriage and two DC's though).

The fact that he doesn't clean the toilet means nothing.. It may be his DM favourite pass time

[lorelei9]

pocket - yes, I'm judgey about that and about him not actually doing it. It's very much hanging on to child status. Then again, I'm showing my age because teens were busting a gut to prove independence when I was that age and that included doing domestics because, well, that's what independent adults do.

OP, the other thing I'd look at is what he is like about money. Clueless about money is a major problem.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Depends if you want to train him up or not.

In the same way I don't want a puppy, because I really cba to house-train, I wouldn't want a man I'd have to house train either.

I think that kind of thing can work, maybe when you're both young enough to mould each other, but you've been picking up after yourself for 12 years - do you really want to spend your time showing someone how to work a vacuum cleaner? Because it's not sexy, believe you me.

[coffeetasteslikeshit]

Depends whether or not he's willing to learn, it's not difficult to clean the loo, or whether he's just inherently lazy.

[miaowroar]

Hmm - probably will get flamed now [scared face]. I think I probably SEEM like that mother. My son is 30 and still lives at home. He has bought a house and is renovating it - but it is taking ages! He has had some setbacks with it.

I am semi-retired now so I do most of the housework, although I draw the line at cooking tea every night and often leave him to get his own. When I worked full time I had a cleaner, so he has never really had to clean properly. I often tell him to do things and he does them. What other training should I be giving him do you think?

[chelle792]

DH lived with his parents and they did everything for him. He moved straight in with me from there. It's been a steep learning curve for him learning how to manage a house. He didn't need training, I just left him to struggle and he persevered.

Twelve months on the kitchen is no longer a bomb site when he cooks and he's getting better at not buying random things like chickpeas every time he does the shop because we have the other thousand tins he's bought.

He still gets in a tangle with changing the bedding though I just stand and laugh at him/gently tease him although it's the one thing that I do step up and help hum with because he does get in such a terrible muddle. I have no idea how or why!!

It's taken patience on my part and determination on his part but it wasn't necessarily a problem as I didn't automatically step into his mothers role

[chelle792]

Saying that - I did tell him in the very early days that I was concerned about his ability to do it all and that part of the condition of living with me was that he had to prove he was capable. I was very honest

[lorelei9]

Lonny - puppy analogy is good.

life is full of admin and other boring tasks - having a manchild around the house seems utterly pointless and just adds to that list.

[Twinklestein]

It entirely depends if he is willing to step up and do his 50% now or not. But I would expect someone who was to already be pulling their weight in their parents house.

How long does it take to save for a deposit? He must have been working since his early 20s, surely he's got one by now?

[ILiveAtTheBeach]

I've been married twice, and both men lived alone before we married (hence had to do all their own housework) and yet..... when married they were not falling over themselves to do any housework or clean toilets. I think most men just aren't bothered by mess/dirt. So, you'll probably end up doing most of it yourself anyway, or constantly asking him to do certain chores. My DH will do any housework I ask him to do. He does it straight away, no moans. BUT - he'd never notice it needed doing, or it just doesn't bother him. So, I would date him. You're unlikely to find any guy that's a domestic goddess, no matter whether he's lived alone or not.

[BarbarianMum]

I don't think living with your parents necessarily makes you a manchild, nor do I think that having lived independantly is any guarentee that your other half will be any good at, or expect, to do any cleaning once he's moved in with you.

Really, what matters is how he views you. If as an equal partner, then all's fine (housework isn't very difficult to learn). If he assumes that women were put on the planet to look after men - or simply doesn't realise that there are so many jobs around the house that need to be done - then you've got a problem.

[FinallyHere]

Just a small point, i did share a house and my life with NowXDH, who was a bit of a domestic goddess, wanted everything done to his exacting standard. Current DH is much lazier, but much kinder and nicer to be with and does muck in when required to do so.

The state of the dust on the skirting boards are Just not his be all and end all. Its your choice, do you enjoy his company? Is he decent, honest, kind etc? Is he willing to learn or does he actively want to preserve his lifestyle without doing anything? These are the questions i would be asking myself.