Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Trying to court someone with mild Aspergers

(20 Posts)
pipedown Thu 19-Nov-15 20:49:45

Just wondered if anyone had any advice on trying to woo a man with mild Aspergers?

Bit of background - met him a few months ago at a drinks function. He was quite relaxed, we talked a lot and then the next day he began texting and we had a long text conversation lasting the whole day. During the day when he wasn't drinking (sober) he could barely look me in the eye and was very quiet. He just asked the occasional question, but he mainly liked to listen. This went on a while. Sometimes he would even ignore my texts and I would have to text him a couple of times to get a response.

Under normal circumstances i'd take that as a sign of lack of interest, but at the time I wasn't too keen on him so didn't feel 'desperate' if I messaged him constantly as that is what I would do to a friend if they were ignoring me.

Fast forward 3 months and we attended another drinks function and he was back to being more relaxed. He was making loads of eye contact and told me that he wants to be with me. Lot's of hugging and kissing, but no sex. I wasn't ready for a relationship then so politely refused.

The following week he went back to no eye contact and began to quickly distance himself from me. Ultimately, he began to ignore my messages, even after I said i'd like to try a relationship with him.

Fast forward 8 months and I have coincidently ran into him. Sent him a message to say hello, nice to see you etc. Had a brief text conversation and I asked if he would like to go for a drink, and he accepted. Now I am trying to arrange a day, and he has gone back to ignoring me!

I don't want to overstep the line, but I am not sure how to proceed as he has mild Aspergers and I don't know if this is making him behave this way or if he is simply not interested...or maybe he has a new partner.

Eachleechsparethumb Thu 19-Nov-15 22:42:22

He's not that in to you. He'd meet you for a drink if he really wanted to

VagueIdeas Thu 19-Nov-15 22:44:40

What makes you even want to pursue a relationship with this man, considering he ignores you a lot of the time?

VimFuego101 Thu 19-Nov-15 22:45:57

I don't think this has anything to do with Aspergers, he just isn't interested.

ouryve Thu 19-Nov-15 22:53:50

You've turned him down and then said Ok, we'll try. Someone who struggles socially needs things to be a bit more definite. You can't help how you feel, but he might be worried that you'll change your mind or pull back, again and he's probably not feeling up to navigating that and risking feeling rejected again.

Either that, or he's Raj Koothrappali and can only talk to women when he's had a drink.

Ineedahug Thu 19-Nov-15 22:56:47

Read 'The Rosie Project' smile

pipedown Fri 20-Nov-15 06:37:19

Thanks all.

Initially he did ask why I changed my mind...maybe my answer wasn't good enough.

Will look into the Rosie Project

KeepOnMoving1 Fri 20-Nov-15 08:20:37

He sounds like hard work and doesn't know what he wants, I wouldn't pursue it.

Isetan Fri 20-Nov-15 12:46:44

I'm assuming that you've concluded he has mild Aspergers from the no eye contact during sobriety, who knew a diognosis was so easy to make.

You're into him then you're not and he's into you then he's not, if getting together is this tedious, can you imagine what a relationship would be like.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 20-Nov-15 12:49:25

Did he tell you he had Aspergers?

ALaughAMinute Fri 20-Nov-15 12:55:17

If he's ignoring you and you contact him again you will be overstepping the line! Forget him and move on.

MephistophelesApprentice Fri 20-Nov-15 12:56:23

If you know for sure he's an ASD, then yes he probably wants a drink, but he has no idea what you want and you've thoroughly confused him. When he can't think of a response to your texts, he panics and tries to forget them. You have to be precise and overt with your desire and intentions as he will struggle to understand them unless you are. If you think you are being obvious, dial it up three notches further.

In his head, he is likely to already be assuming that this is going to go horribly wrong and is building defensive barriers to prevent hurt.

This is from a guy with ASD. In almost every relationship, the first time I realised I was on a date and not having a pleasant platonic meal is when the girl grabbed my head/crotch and kissed me.

myotherusernameisbetter Fri 20-Nov-15 12:58:02

Hmm tough one.

I have a 15 year old who is borderline aspergers and based on my own communication with him, that's exactly what I would expect. If he is going to end up in a relationship, I think it will have to be because someone has taken a shine to him and takes him in hand. he struggles to make decisions and likes to be told what he is doing so it may be that this bloke is happy to meet up and will look forward to it, he might just be struggling with the "where should we go and when" decision?

I guess it's hard to say exactly what the situation is with this bloke of yours but if you really like him it might be worth a bit more pursuit from your side if you are prepared for it.

My brother is very similar btw and has just celebrated 40 years of happy marriage. It's difficult to get two words out of him sometimes, but he does elaborate valentine's day gifts for my SIL and books them holidays and weekends as surprises etc and is a very generous giving bloke. If you met him though you'd probably think he was a bit of a queer fish. She had to do all the chasing and in fact it was her friend that was initially going out with him and then the two girls decided they liked each others boys better so swapped - I don't think either bloke had any say in the matter grin

pipedown Fri 20-Nov-15 20:56:00

Thanks all, really insightful responses. He hasn't openly said he struggles with decision making, but he did tell me that he wants a partner who has equal responsibility for making decisions. I guess that's telling in itself.

DorindaStrong Fri 20-Nov-15 21:57:55

I would go slowly. Not date, but proceed as friends and get to know him. Properly. He might not Aspergers at all.

I was married to an Aspergers man. It's not easy an thing. Tread carefully.

DorindaStrong Fri 20-Nov-15 21:58:51


TopOfTheCliff Fri 20-Nov-15 22:08:45

One of my family is like this and is on the spectrum. He has little initiative and to form a relationship he would need a DP who was organising and assertive and told him what was going to happen and when. Personally I couldn't cope with that.
I am looking forward to meeting his new GF at Christmas to see what she is like.
Don't go there OP - too much like hard work!

musicposy Fri 20-Nov-15 22:46:02

I imagine you confused him, as others have said. You probably need to be quite direct from now on if you want to get anywhere. Just state exactly what you would like, no hints, no messing about. Say where you want to meet and when.

However, I agree with Dorinda. Tread very carefully here. Get to know him really well and understand what you are getting into. You may well end up in a relationship where you do all the organising, have to be very assertive and direct over everything, and get very little in the way of emotional support back. Which isn't to say that a DP with Aspergers won't be capable of making a loving and very loyal partner. But it's bloody hard work and you need to have your eyes open before going into any serious stuff.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Fri 20-Nov-15 23:02:54

My ds is mildly on the spectrum - he has immense trouble reading normal social cues and normal social interaction that the rest of us take for granted.

You will have to be patient and be his friend first, I would guess. DS is only 11 now, but I can already see these standoffish traits in him when he is in social company, and doesn't know people well.

The good news is, with me, DS is the most amazing, loving, loyal, interesting boy - so once you reach a state of familiarity with him you may find it's wonderful. I'm heartened that you are keen to pursue a relationship with this man, it gives me hope for my lovely DS's future relationships smile

amberlight Sun 22-Nov-15 17:05:33

Married to an autistic other half. Autistic myself. Most of my friends and family and colleagues are autistic. Wonderful, caring, gentle, loyal, honest, dedicated people. Can't do eye contact for long. Need clear instructions. Can't socialise in busy, noisy places for long because it literally overheats our brain wiring, which hurts like hell. Can't see your face expression, so you have to say how you feel. Bit like dating someone who has difficulty with eyesight. We're no more hard work than others, but we're different. Best to simply ask us straightforward questions about what we want...then wait a while for us to answer.
If you want someone who instinctively knows how you feel from looking at your face, and can stare in your eyes for hours at busy parties, we're not your man/woman (delete as appropriate).

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now