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Same workplace as DH?

(17 Posts)
harveybristol Thu 19-Nov-15 20:00:58

I think that sharing the same workplace as DH is ruining our relationship. We met at work, I was new whilst he had worked there for years and I felt that, as a result, colleagues never really warmed to me. It was as if I'd taken him away from the friendship group.
4 years on, married, baby and it's still the same. He's golden balls and I'm battling to get people to have a conversation with me. I've become extremely resentful and cant stand seeing him at work chatting away merrily, doing very little work in comparison to me who is trying really hard to show I'm hard working and worthy.
During an event this week, DH was asked to give the names of colleagues who had contributed to a successful project. I was one of these people, however he failed to mention my name. I asked why and he claimed to feel 'embarrassed' to be singing my praises to the boss purely because we're married. I was livid. All other colleagues got congratulated apart from me!
I find it difficult that 2 female colleagues were interested in DH romantically before I arrived. These were older, married women and he still works with them closely, I get really jealous when I see them all getting on so well when I'm so bloody lonely in my own office with few friends and few allies.
I've gotten quite nasty with him at home lately and just feel so annoyed and resentful. No idea whether I need to get a grip or a new job....

Fratelli Thu 19-Nov-15 20:14:07

I would look for a new job personally as it's not worth driving a wedge between you and your husband. Not congratulating you was a really shitty thing to do! With regards to the female colleagues, if he was interested in them he wouldn't have got with you so I wouldn't worry about them.

happystory Thu 19-Nov-15 20:20:40

God I would hate hate hate to work with Dh

harveybristol Thu 19-Nov-15 20:28:01

It's very difficult! I get quite resentful (and jealous) when a female member of staff asks him to fix a piece of equipment and he's there in seconds, whilst at home it takes 3 days to get him to put his clothes in the laundry basket!
It's doing my mental health no good. But then I think, why should I leave, maybe he should?

BanningTheWordNaice Thu 19-Nov-15 20:33:45

Really not sure why he should leave when it sounds like you're the one struggling to deal with things. Other than not praising you I can't see anything he's done wrong.

thatstoast Thu 19-Nov-15 20:43:33

I worked with my husband for 7 years and it worked really well. It can work but your set up sounds hugely dysfunctional. There's no room for jealously and comparing how he is at home to how he acts at work isn't fair. Most people behave differently in a work environment, that's normal. Look for a new job. Is it a big company, could an internal position give you enough distance?

whirlybird42 Thu 19-Nov-15 20:47:43

Leave. Unless it would be very difficult to find work elsewhere, just leave. We have a similar set up where I work. There are 2 married couples with a big power imbalance in that one of each couple is pretty senior within the organisation.

Tbh it makes it awkward for everyone - we're too small a company for them to be separate and a lot goes on that I feel mildly uncomfortable with - inflated appraisals, increased training opportunities etc.

I can never understand how it happened. I wouldn't want to work with Dp in a million years.

StarkyTheDirewolf Fri 20-Nov-15 01:54:56

I worked with Dh for two years before we both moved. It honestly never bothered me, in fairness, I found it hilarious to watch women female heavy workplace flirting with him.

However, if it had had a negative impact on me, our agreement was always that he would look to change venue, as I earned more in my venue than I would have in another position and I'd been there longer and more consistently than him. Have a conversation with him about how it's making you feel and be honest, but in your position, I'd probably look for another job.

redredblue Fri 20-Nov-15 02:59:10

I used to work with someone I was in a relationship with, actually twice with different people.
It was awful.
First one I left work after years of the situation, but our relationship was too damaged and we broke up soon after.
Second one he left work after a few months and our relationship was sooo much better afterwards. Got to spend more quality time together, rather than being fed up of them by the end of the day and wanting alone time.
Get a new job.

GreenSand Fri 20-Nov-15 04:08:10

I married a man I met at work, however as soon as it became serious, we both started looking for new jobs. DH found one first, so he moved.
There are several other couples at work. The successful ones are those who are in very different departments, and so don't really need interact at work, other than socially. The two, from the top of my head, that have ended in divorce worked in the he same department. There is one couple where they successfully negotiated working in proximity for several years, til she was made redundant, but he is so layed back its ridiculous. We now have a partner join the team of a well established staff member, and it sees to be OK.

Personally, I'd say the current situation isn't working, and perhaps one of you should think about an internal transfer or new job elsewhere. It can work, but it needs a separation of home and work life, and it sounds to me that yours are very much intertwined at the moment.

threewords3 Fri 20-Nov-15 04:33:52

I met my stbxh at work and we have always worked together (and still work together now) with no probs. In your situation I think as you have the issues with things it's probably easiest for your mental health and your relationship to consider looking for another job.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Fri 20-Nov-15 04:51:10

It sounds like you're the one with the issue so not sure why he would look for another job?
I married someone from work and we didn't have any problems working together. Would have been annoyed at not mentioning my name for praise though.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 20-Nov-15 05:08:17

Oh dear!

I would say get a new job but then you'd still know what he's like at work, and you wouldn't be around to see it any more, so wouldn't know whether or not he's getting worse/more flirty etc.

But for your own sanity, I think you need to stop working in the same place and since it's unlikely he will agree to change jobs, it's going to have to be you.

Or you could look for a new DH...

Notasinglefuckwasgiven Fri 20-Nov-15 06:27:47

I work with DP and we're a great team. It either work or it doesn't and it sounds like it's crushing your soul at the moment. Try and step back and appreciate why you love your husband every once in a while. Nobody will tolerate you snapping and being moody forever. Good luck

Believeitornot Fri 20-Nov-15 06:50:45

Can you move teams?

Dh and I worked in the same team briefly but quickly changed. We stayed in the same organisation post wedding but he left (not because of us!)

I much prefer it being at separate work places

category12 Fri 20-Nov-15 07:05:39

I think unless you have historical reason not to trust him, you need to get a handle on your jealousy. Either you trust him or you don't - but it sounds like it's more based on jealousy of him having better fun relationships with colleagues than you do, rather than fear he'll cheat?

So yes, a new job for you.

Enjolrass Fri 20-Nov-15 07:13:00

Me and dh work together and it's fucking hard. But just because being together all the time is hard.

That said, I used to work with me brother and that was hard. Whenever we got a new senior manager there was an assumption I washing to treat him in a way that was unfair to others, despite the fact that I never did, and all my managers knew that.

So I do get why he felt bad about praising you. It absolutely shouldn't have happened. I ignored what people said looked at dbros work objectively . I knew I wasn't treating him better, so ignores anyone saying otherwise and had evidence to back myself up.

I think you still won't be happy if you leave. You will wonder what's happening that you can't see. You need to tackle the feelings.

Fixing stuff at work and not putting washing away, is a ridiculous comparison. I am super organised at work, not so much at home. I am paid to be organised. You are being unfair here.

Women fancying him..as pp said, he wouldn't have gone out with you if he was interested in them. He would be with one of them. This isn't his fault.

Him getting on with colleagues whilst you don't, also isn't his fault. If they are put out about your relationship, that isn't his fault and he can't force people to like you.

I do wonder if it is just down to your relationship though. Do you think your colleagues have picked up on your thoughts? Do they notice you don't like the women and resent dh helping them and being himself with them?

I think it should be you that leaves, because aside from the praise issue, dh hasn't done anything wrong. If he leaves you will still be left with colleagues you don't like and who will dislike you even more if you force him to leave. Will you then leave anyway?

If you leave and find another job, you both could have jobs you enjoy.

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