Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is this gaslighting?

(8 Posts)
OhFFSMother Thu 19-Nov-15 10:58:35

I have a rather difficult relationship with my mother although she'd tell you how much she loves me. I live abroad and see her once every couple of years and talk on Skype once every 3/4 months. So no relationship at all from my perspective.

She does however follow me on Facebook and it's there that it's all kicked off.

My DD posted a be nice to ordinary muslims type article. My mum replied to it with a straight out of the Daily Mail rant about immigration highlighting all the (imaginary) faults with our adopted country and what danger everyone is in being here. DD was worried as she has AS and suffers with anxiety. I reassured her that it wasn't true and showed her the 'news' article that was being regurgitated.

Mother then starts arguing that it was true, that all the press in the UK are reporting that this country is in a mess and doesn't have a clue what it doing. That she's entitled to her opinion and I'm rude for shouting her down and ignoring her. I'm like FFS everyone we know in this country can see the shit your spouting about their country. You're embarassing us. STFU. She kept going so I defriended her because I don't have the mental energy to deal with her.

So now I've received a message from her saying it was never her opinion, she was just informing us of what was being reported. That I've hurt her by saying she was being rude and offensive and this upset has set her back in the mental health treatment she's recieving ... but she still loves me. She's also deleted all the offensive stuff so there's no record of what she said.

I feel like it's messing with my head. She posts offensive shit but then twists it so she's the victim when called out on it. Is this gaslighting?

Twinklestein Thu 19-Nov-15 11:02:42

I think it's more backtracking and playing the victim than gaslighting, but either way she's clearly nuts.

OurBlanche Thu 19-Nov-15 11:06:43

Message her back:

It doesn't matter what your intentions were, you terrified your grand daughter. You will not do so again.

Then, ignore forever!

Sometimes you just have to look after yourself and the devil take the hindmost.

99percentchocolate Thu 19-Nov-15 11:09:19

OurBlanche has it spot on - she terrified your daughter and you did the right thing. I wouldn't give her another opportunity.

OhFFSMother Thu 19-Nov-15 11:14:50

I don't even want to reply to be honest. But I do feel very guilty about thinking that.

OhFFSMother Thu 19-Nov-15 11:21:51

Before I blocked her I said that I couldn't deal with this because I already have too much on my plate to deal with. Did she express any concern or interest in what was troubling me? Not a jot. It's all about her opinions, her feelings, her hurt, her mental health. That's the pattern of our relationship and why I emigrated I keep her at a distance.

OurBlanche Thu 19-Nov-15 11:24:43

Then don't. Leave her blocked.

If she sends in a 'flying monkey' you have a one sentence response to hand.

But I am hardened to such crap, poisonous SIL and idiot BIL have been spouting silly crap about me for years. Even now, when it has been about a decade since I last had any form of contact, she is busy dripping poison.

DH occasionally responds, but generally we just ignore and have no contact whatsoever. It makes life so much easier, less stressed.

Good luck, whatever you choose to do about her xx

Inexperiencedchick Thu 19-Nov-15 11:58:30

The best you can do is deactivate your FB for a while.

It will also give you some peace...

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: