jealous bf - advise please!(106 Posts)
Hi, I think I'm looking for some advise, words of support if possible regarding my relationship. Please try and be nice!
after 4 years single following an abusive relationship with my daughter's father , I finally felt ready to start seeing someone again. met current bf through a mutual friend and starting seeing each other around 5 months ago.
I'll try and get as straight to the point as possible for you - after years of struggling to get along with my ex we are now communicating well for the sake of my DD and I see him often due to school pick ups etc. There are however absolutely no romantic feelings there between either of us - he has moved on and so have I.
No matter how much I have tried to reassure my current bf that that is the case he is so jealous. It has got to the point where one night while I was asleep in bed he turned up at my house because he thought I might be in bed with someone as I told him I wanted to get an early night! He has also looked through my drawer and counted how many condoms I have...I know this is bad and shows a big lack of respect. There are also a few other things that have happened but all in general linked to his insecurities e.g. questioning about what time I am going where, mishearing me speak and thinking I said my ex's name etc.
Aside from this, he is a really lovely guy and we both seem to want the same things in life. We get on well and he is very supportive of my studies and helps out a lot where he can. he even met my family recently and they really liked him.
But, I can see this is not right, it's controlling and not good in the early stages of a relationship. He has said he is sorry, is going to therapy, wants to change this behaviour etc. But honest opinions please, am I mad to carry on with this?
I feel guilty if I end it, as he really does want to change and is making an effort. But I have my DD to consider too.
Not sure if this is relevant but he has ADHD and I have made some allowances for this with his impulsive behaviour.
Your opinions would be really appreciated as my head and heart are at war the moment.
Thank you. x
Oh dear, it does look bad from where I am sitting OP, sorry.
I would not tolerate this behaviour. I would bin him and stay single a while longer.
On the plus side, your gut or your twat radar is obviously far better now, having survived an abusive relationship, so give yourself a pat on the back for that.
In order to look after DD properly you need to be looking out for yourself too, and protecting the both of you from negative influences and situations. It sounds like you are aware of what you have to do, and I understand your reluctance, but seriously, this is not going to end well if you stay with him.
Onwards and Upwards!
Get out. This will only get worse. He is not "a good guy". He thinks you're lying to him and cheating on him even though you've given him no logical reason to think that. In a year he will stop you going out and not let you speak to strangers in the supermarket.
What you have described (turning up at your house, counting your condoms), is not innocent, innocuous slight jealous comments. That is serious shit. ADHD has fuck all to do with it.
Again, get out now.
You are putting your daughter at risk, this is not healthy and it doesn't sound as if you are ready for a relationship.
You've known this man 5 months and he's turning up at you and your daughters house at night to accuse you of sleeping with someone. If he is this negative about your child's father that will have a negative impact on her and also puts her at risk.
You state your relationship with your ex was abusive, people that are genuinely abusive rarely change 'for the children's sake'.
If this man is displaying such obvious red flags at such an early stage you must take heed, now.
Yep sorry. It's a shame but he is not capable of being a good partner to you. He does this problematic behaviour, apologises for it and then does it again. He's not in the right space of mind to change and you can't put yourself and your daughter through this, in the hope that he might eventually change.
This is how it starts. Tip of the iceberg. I guarantee you that this will escalate.
Sorry you've such bad luck.
You need to end this.
Speaking only from personal experience, as a separated father with a long history of dealing with an highly obstructive mother (I am not for one second, suggesting you are) if I knew what you have just written, I would be taking action to prevent a child from being exposed to this man's behaviour.
It really is that serious.
re your comment:-
"But, I can see this is not right, it's controlling and not good in the early stages of a relationship. He has said he is sorry, is going to therapy, wants to change this behaviour etc. But honest opinions please, am I mad to carry on with this?"
Yes you are if you do so; if this is what it is like just five months in imagine another year or 18 months of the same. You will become a shadow of your former self and you are probably already subconsciously changing your own self to fit in with him or pre-empting his questions. Consider your DD as well in all this; after all she is learning about relationships from you and this man is not a decent male role model. Which leads me to wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up.
Many, many abusive men want to make such changes as mentioned in your comment. Its only playing lip service and actions only speak louder than words. Listen to your head rather than your heart here.
BTW if you never enrolled on Womens Aid Freedom Programme I would strongly suggest you do so now and read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.
You have simply gone from an ex who was himself abusive within the relationship to another man who is simply a different flavour of abuser and controlling (controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour) to boot.
Your family make like him but you have seen sides to him that you do not like; his behaviours are all red flags. Is all the help he gives you actually warranted or is he using that as simply keeping further tabs on you?. The fact that he has told you he has ADHD is irrelevant; it still does not give him any excuse to treat you in the ways he has been. He needs to be shown the door now.
Not good. Jealousy is a foul emotion. He has to sort himself out before he's ready for a relationship.
My abusive ex had his nice moments too, very few people have no redeeming qualities.
Why would you settle this early on for someone who needs to change his core beliefs in order to be a decent partner (and you have no idea whether he is capable of that change) when there are men out there who are already kind and decent?
In the kindest way possible, I think the OP really needs to do some work on herself before she is ready for a relationship.
The length of time you have been separated is meaningless if you have gone on to introduce this kind of person into your daughter's life after, I'm guessing due to him just turning up at night to your home, a lot less than 5 months into a relationship.
It's often said on here that the abuser doesn't make himself known until about a year into the relationship.
This is what he's like within five months.
You've been given a rare gift, OP: knowing how bad he is before you invested too much in him. Possibly he slipped his hand too soon because he thinks, if you've been in an abusive relationship before you'll just put up with anything.
Prove him wrong, OP.
thank you so so much for all your comments! I was expecting to read what you have said and understand too. I'm feeling pretty devastated that I've found myself in this position again as I have read Lundy Bancroft, loads of counselling, even trained with women's aid! I guess I did notice some signs but wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Can't really trust myself to trust anyone again . I know this situation must be difficult for him, I sympathise with that, thing a lot of people would feel uncomfortable with their gf seeing their ex a lot wouldn't they?
Stupid as it sounds I kind of thought maybe it's not abuse, as it did show up so early on, he didn't try to hide it. so thought it was just a genuine personality trait!
I've only spoken to a couple of friends IRL about it as feel so embarrassed , they suggested I could give him one last chance and if he does it again then that's it but both said it wasn't good and seemed worried.
What an absolute cheek he has got, some great advice above OP, heed it.
Don't be too hard on yourself but do take from this.
I personally don't believe that reading Lundy Bancroft, counselling or woman's aid is any substitution for proper therapy.
Yes, they can help but as you can see they will not solve your trust issues.
NO, the situation is not difficult for him and you have no reason to sympathise for him. This is why you would benefit from therapy, your thinking is skewed.
The fact is, there are many men and women out there looking for relationships that cannot bear the fact that women or men have a child with someone, as this means that more often than not, there will be a parenting relationship with the ex.
As separated parent's those kind of people are simply a no go. No way, not ever, nada.
I think once people are in relationships which aren't with the mother / father of their children, most new partners actually don't have an issue with the ex, it's just accepted that it's the child's other parent and as such, contact happens and a relationship of sorts will always exist of a sort.
thank you for your kindness, I did start psychotherapy but was finding it really hard going and the therapist thought it was too much for me right now so discharged me... ! Really hope you are right that there are people out there who wouldn't be bothered about me being in contact with my ex.
There's a part of me which is a bit worried about if I end it, he may become a bit obsessive...
Just as an aside, most people I know would not feel uncomfortable with their partner seeing their ex a lot.
And the fact he didn't try and hide it doesn't mean it's not abuse, just means he thought you would tolerate it!
I'm sorry, this must be so hard and depressing for you. But really really well done for spotting this early and recognising it for what it is, and facing that you need to do something about it Think of this as an upward curve where you are getting better at noticing and not tolerating abusive relationships. There may be a few more 'learning experinces' ahead, but each time you are getting better at allowing yourself a decent non-abusive relationship.
thank you pannacott, that's very kind. right now i'm just upset but it will be a learning experience you're right. dreading telling my family and friends and him of course too
Normally, we're all for getting feedback from IRL friends, and this case doesn't negate that from me, but, with respect, do your IRL friends not have the first bit of experience with abusers?
The more chances you give him, the more you're going to doubt yourself. The more normal his behaviour is going to seem, the better he'll get at making his abuse more subtle.
I just thought of a good way to do it: send him a bouquet of balloons, with a card saying.
PS: you're dumped
Did I mention they'd be condom balloons?
No matter how much therapy or how many courses you go on, you are still a rescuer and people pleaser and probably always will be.
He may well become obsessive when you end it but just keep a log everything and if/when it escalates get the police involved.
You have certainly learnt a lot though as you realised early on this is abuse.
Keep hold of that and end it.
Look after yourself.
Join the discussion
Please login first.