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End of my tether!

(16 Posts)
JasmineBrown87 Tue 17-Nov-15 23:30:23

Not sure why i've come on here but i've literally no one to talk to about it. Sorry about the sheer length of this!

When i met my partner he was very possessive and insecure for around 6 months; accusing me of doing things with other people, wanting to know absolutely everything about me etc.. Then suddenly he stopped and seemed a lot more secure in us as a couple. I found out i was pregnant and looking back i think because he'd changed so much so quickly it put questions in my mind. I admit i was a nightmare, id accuse him of only watching films for the women in it etc and after a few weeks we broke up. We barely spoke during my pregnancy, i didnt make it easy for him but even in late pregnancy he did nothing for me.

When my son was born in April we clicked again and as far as i thought, fallen in love with each other again. I was so happy for the first month or so, despite him leaving his job. Then after another month i began to feel insecure again, petrified of him watching pornography or finding other women sexually attractive, again, i was a nightmare. I couldnt understand why he needed porn when he had me so i would ask him questions to help me understand. Thinking back, i can see how awkward and embarrassing that must have been for him but at the time i didn't. He broke down a few times saying that it was too much and he couldnt cope, and although i couldnt help it at the time i decided to get professional help. Within a couple of weeks i had counselling and cognitive behavioral therapy which over the space of two months helped me significantly. My partner was supportive the whole time, apart from the odd argument, i had no clue how he's now saying he felt. Apparently, my insecurity while i was dealing with my issues (historic rape, parental neglect and previous emotionally abusive relationships) really ground down his own confidence and self esteem.

I fully accept that my actions at the time could cause this, but he has suffered with depression for most of his life and has denied his issues since we met. After we got back together he left his job and since then he's been on a depressive downward spiral. He is obsessive about his weight but loves to gorge on food, he likes to be extrovert but is on the whole introverted, he had a tough relationship with his mum who passed away over 10 years ago, he feels guilty not living with his eldest daughter, he always feels as though he doesnt fit in, he has health problems relating to his heart, he has been emotionally abused and cheated on repeatedly by previous partners, he was victim of racial hate crimes as a teenager, he found out his father wasn't the man who raised him when he was 18, he has never lasted in any jobs and never gets opportunities to earn a decent wage.

Despite all this, he is pretty much blaming his current depression on how i was when i was going to counselling and living with me and my children. Although he is brilliant with my elder daughters when he's happy, he is often very negative about them both (to me) and get stressed easily. He has admitted he is suicidal most days and to be fair he has been to his GP and has been taking anti depressants, he is also in the process of getting his own counselling. But still, he makes me feel as though it is all my fault.

After i addressed my issues i was a lot calmer and easier to live with, i accepted the porn thing and him finding other women attractive (doesnt sound like much but for me back then it was an enormous step). As soon as i got better, he got worse. On a couple of occasions he commented that he wasnt coping living in a family environment and that he felt depressed, but i had no idea my behavior before had effected him because he never said. Deep down i think i knew, i had a gut instinct from then that he didnt feel the same, that he wasn't happy. This was partly because he started staying up late most nights, sleeping in all day, not having any real interest in our relationship and his sex drive plummeted. He said it was just him, his depression and possibly the anti depressants. I could understand it, as much as i hated it, and i supported him because i had no real reason to believe my gut instinct.

It was only when our 6 month old son went into hospital for a routine kidney operation that i found out how he was really feeling. While my son was there my partner stayed with him overnight while i looked after my daughters, this cut me up inside not being able to be with my baby. i couldnt eat and could barely sleep. I went every day for most of the day to see him but i was still full of worry as soon as i got home. My partner doesnt have a phone because he broke his (during a temper tantrum) so my 10 year old daughter let him borrow hers so that we could keep in touch.

To cut a long story short, one day while at the hospital with our son, my partner took a shine to a Clinical Support Worker on the ward, as she did him. I visited the hospital that day, he was perfectly normal with me and she chatted to me while changing my son's dressing. My partner was talking about he'd like us to get married as he walked me back to my car. I later found out via facebook that he had been searching for her on there all day, flirting with her, then when he couldnt find her on facebook he asked for her Instagram details which she gladly gave him. They spoke on instagram about me, each other, then apparently she said she was wet for him and wanted to 'swallow his c**k' .. this is someone supposedly there to take care of my son! He did all this on my daughter's phone too, even sent a couple of her pictures to his friend bragging about it all. He told her he wouldn't LEAVE me, not that he wouldn't cheat, and he later admitted he may have met her and slept with her. When i found all this out i was heartbroken, all that time building myself up and putting all that trust into him just for him to turn around and do what i feared him doing in the first place! To think after me baring my soul to him the way i have he could so easily deceive me in that way really hurt. He says he sent her a message telling her he was making a go of it with me and she said good luck, but with how he's been since all this i'm doubting it more all the time!

He hasn't once apologized for what he did, only said he's sorry that i found out. He says he didnt mean to hurt me, she just had confidence and made him feel good about himself. That's when he dropped those bombs on me; he doesnt feel sexually connected with me anymore, he isnt 'in love' with me, in a way resents me for how i made him feel and that he's only with me for our son. However, at the same time, saying he does love me and wants to be with me he just doesn't know how to get past how he's feeling. We decided to go to relationship counselling, he was adamant that it would be the only thing that would help us, but due to various reasons we had to rearrange the first two sessions then on the third he just didnt bother getting home from the gym in time and suddenly he was saying we'll be ok with him getting his counselling, completely changed his opinion.

He will go to the gym for anywhere between 2 and 5 hours every day, he stays up all night and sleeps in all day while i do everything around the house and with the kids, on a couple of occasions he has been in bed until 5pm! He only helps around the house if i've moaned the day or so before, and he sees nothing wrong in it! We have practically no sex life, there's rarely a spark between us, we cuddle a few times a day but usually when walking past eachother in the house and it either feels forced on his part or he just wants to play with my chest (as a comfort thing - not sexual!). We never go out as a couple, he doesn't come on family days out because he gets too stressed, he plays football manager literally from the second he gets up to the second he goes to sleep, he watches endless tv series' on his laptop while i do my bit around the house and leaves mess everywhere the same as everyone else. He is obsessed with football and wrestling, which i dont mind, but at the moment they're the only things he shows any passion or enthusiasm for. The majority of comments i get from him are negative; i'm not washing up properly, i'm not parenting my children properly, i'm not washing the laundry properly, he was better off when he was single, he managed to do what he needed to do when he was single, he knows other women who do what i don't or vice versa... I hardly hear anything positive at all, even regarding himself!

Since he moved in i've financially supported him, even bought him clothes to make him feel better about himself and the overpriced food he likes that i wouldn't normally get. He pays nothing towards bills or food, even though he is receiving ESA and won £500 a couple of weeks ago. He's hardly contributed at all. I don't even know where his money goes. I don't mind helping him when he needs it but im starting to feel like such a doormat! I just feel as though he's only with me for the roof over his head (without me he's homeless). I barely feel like i'm in a relationship, we're hardly ever intimate, regularly arguing about how the relationship is or about his criticisms of me, he never wants to spend time with me and is more concerned about his laptop and being on his own. Any romance we had has disappeared and i can honestly say i've never felt so lonely. Whenever i bring it up he says its his depression and that he can't help it, but i can't help the fact that he's making me feel miserable. I encourage him in anything he wants to do, i paid for him to join the gym just so he could feel better about himself, ive spent most mornings/days doing everything around the house and taking care of the children so that he can rest. I'm the one who's nudged out of bed every morning when the kids wake up, even if i've been up in the night with the baby. I've had no more than three lie ins in the past 7 months. Am i really being unreasonable wanting him to come to bed at a normal time so that he can help in the mornings more? I really dont mind him staying up now and again, but every night is just driving a massive wedge between us, particularly after what's happened.

It feels unfair, i feel lonely, unattractive, unwanted, unappreciated, unloved, used, rejected, emotionally spent, physically exhausted and pretty much on the verge of a breakdown. Yet i've given him and our relationship everything i've got. Other women get cheated on and their partners cant apologize enough, or at least try to make up for it and prove themselves. Mine has done nothing of the sort, in fact he's become even more distant. I'm determined not to get depressed again or let it affect my self esteem but it's getting so hard to fight it off with how things are. I feel i've dealt with any issues that effected us as a couple, i still have some issues i'm learning to live with, but i've been so trusting and understanding towards my partner, i'm so different to how i was. He blames me and how i behaved when i was depressed for how he's feeling now and for looking for an escape in another woman (even though i had stopped all insecurity and paranoia two months before), but doesn't seem to care that he's piled even more pressure on me over a longer length of time. I genuinely dont think he cares if we're in a relationship or not, he just doesnt want me to kick him out. He denies this but hasnt said or done anything at all to convince me.

I love him so much, although i am starting to resent him and see him differently as time goes on, and even that upsets me. He was brilliant when i was going through my issues, and usually he is very playful, loving and supportive towards me and my children. Generally, he takes on the stepdad role really well apart from his depression, but even then he doesn't see it himself. He has helped me so much emotionally and spiritually, now though it just feels like it's all being sucked back and i don't know whether it is as he explains it, that he's depressed and in a bad place but he hopes he will be better after therapy. In which case how do you cope with or support someone who just doesn't show they care? i know that's the nature of depression but even at my worst, i still was able to show him love and affection, and he was able to see regular improvements. It feels so one sided being the only person who really acts as though they want the relationship! Or, is he just using me for a place to stay until he has a better option? ( and possibly still speaking to the woman from the hospital). I'm at my wits end, i don't know what to think. I've wanted to kick him out to save myself from all this but if i do that i leave him homeless but if i end the relationship and continue to live with him i'll risk completely ruining myself emotionally. I can't handle the rejection and the constant reminder of the past few months, i'm not even sure if i'm being selfish in saying that. Then there's the affect it will have on my children, if i let him stay or if i kicked him out.

It seems like such an impossible situation, in the mean time i just have to carry on holding it together for us and the children but i feel as though i've got less and less energy for it every day.

Am i an idiot? has anyone been in this or a similar situation before?

I'd be so grateful for an outsider's perspective!


thestamp Tue 17-Nov-15 23:49:01

it's extremely obvious that he is using you for a place to live/money/as a comfort object. he is not interested in you. he treats you like he does and says what he does because he knows it makes you feel sad and emotional, and he's already learned that he has a hold on you when you feel that way, so he just keeps doing it. and it's working. you're keeping him fed and watered, dancing attendance on him, while he does whatever the fuck he likes.

please get rid. for your DCs' sake if nothing else. they are learning that love = people using you and not meeting even your most basic needs for respect and love. you are literally signing them up for a life of misery and depression by having them watch this nonsensical situation unfold.

he sounds immature, manipulative, feckless and just horrible. 5 hours in the gym? in bed til 5pm?? is he 16 and are you his mum????

It is VERY ,VERY obvious you are being played for an absolute fool. get into counselling again and start rebuilding yourself. this man will suck you dry and drain you of everything you have.

you deserve a faithful, loving, helpful man in your life. this is not a man, he is a child, and a cocklodging child at that...

AnyFucker Wed 18-Nov-15 00:02:57

That must have taken you an age to type. Well done for getting it all out.

Sobering reading, isn't it

To be honest, the only word that really jumped out at me in those endless descriptions of the utter contempt he holds you in is doormat

Continue to act like one, and this treatment is all you will get

A terrible way for you to live, and a spectacularly bad example of what a relationship should look like for your children

Get rid of him

lavenderhoney Wed 18-Nov-15 00:17:53

It's a terrible way to live. You will be better off alone with the DC and concentrating on you, them and your combined happiness.

What struck me is how you feel responsible for him, you have a greater responsibility towards yourself and your DC. Keep posting, too, keep talking.

He won't be homeless. He'll find somewhere. It's not your problem, really, it's not. He sleeps around, messes you about, and you need to get away from him. Your life would be better. Just don't let him through the door, once he's gone.

Are you married? And supporting him financially! Whilst he shags about, then wobbles on about his tough life. What about your tough life, acerbated with him in it? And your dd, handing him her phone as he smashed his - did he give it back ASAP, apologise for being a complete idiot and hand round flowers?

ilovelamp82 Wed 18-Nov-15 00:42:45

Every day that you stay with this awful waste of space he is damaging you and your dc in more ways than you can imagine. You say that you have been in emotionally abusive relationships before so it is not uncommon to fall into the same patterns again because it feels normal to you.

Leave him. For your sake and his sake. There is no reedemable qualities about him whatsoever. He is a burden on your life. He brings nothing positive to it and he won't change. Why would he? He treats you like shit and you let him. (This is not a slight on you, because I understand how he has messed with your head to believe that things are your fault)

Do not stay with a man just so you're not on your own. Leave him and keep up the counselling. You need to build up the self esteem that he has stolen from you.

You WILL be happier for it. So will your dc.

Life is too short to be wasting all your time, emotions and money on someone who doesn't reciprocate and in fact shows his disrespect and contempt for you EVERY SINGLE DAY.

You and your dc deserve way more than this.

Isetan Wed 18-Nov-15 07:16:56

You got help for your past issues (well done btw) but he's content in using them as a convenient stick to beat you with, to distract you both from his continued avoidance of his own.

Your responsibilities begin an end with limiting your exposure to this man baby.

molyholy Wed 18-Nov-15 07:29:04

Wow. Just wow. This man is using you. Making you feel bad about yourself. He has cheated on you. You are financially supporting him. Kick him out. Why do you want your children to look to this relationship model for their future. He has zero respect for you and you are enabling his cocklodging behaviour. The sooner you kick him out, the sooner you will be free. He does fuck all for you now and you wont have the stress of dealing with him every day and paying for him to treat you like this. Please kick him out. Today. flowers

3perfectweemen Wed 18-Nov-15 10:42:33

You need to kick this rat out!! He is not a good step dad either when he can't get out of bed or help round house! I don't know him and I hate himangry

pocketsaviour Wed 18-Nov-15 14:45:08

Bloody hell OP, I want a nice sit down after reading that, I can't imagine how you feel trying to live it.

This bloke is utterly taking the piss out of your good nature. He has stated flat out that he would be happier if he was single. Accept this truth and "encourage" him to move out (with the toe of your boot if necessary.)

Pretty sure you and your kids will all be happier with this bag of shite and his mummy issues out of your life.

JasmineBrown87 Wed 18-Nov-15 15:51:51

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate it!

Im not really scared of being on my own, it's getting more and more appealing to be honest, but I can't bare the thought of my son not seeing his dad, he adores him, and my kids do too. I also love him, or at least I'm clinging on to what's left just in case it can be like it has been before when we've been happy. He hasn't actually slept with anyone (as far as I know!), I think he might have if I hadn't found out the next day, but there again he doesn't go our drinking or with his mates. He visits one family friend regularly and they've spoken on the phone to arrange it most times. Other than that he only goes to the gym or pops to the shops.
I don't want to slag him off because he has been brilliant at times and as I said my children love him to bits, hes only slept in til 5 once or twice but he is usually in bed until at least midday-1pm.
He has been to the doctor to get sleeping tablets to help him back into a routine but he only has 3 so I fear once they're gone it'll be back to normal. He got new antidepressants, but it's too soon to tell if they're working.
I'm just finding it so hard distinguishing between his depression and his overall feelings for me.
He is depressed about not working and providing for us, and he does have issues of his own, he does show affection here and there but no mention of the future since the hospital incident, as hes too realist, he just talks along the lines of 'if' we work it out. He says that's just his attitude to relationships but as u said before he's spoken about marriage and getting old together in the past.
I'm so confused!
Is there really no hope?
Thanks again x

Jan45 Wed 18-Nov-15 16:25:52

I've only read your first two paragraphs - my god, he's unbelievable, I can see why he told the OW he wouldn't leave you, either would I, is there anything where you draw the line, everything is on his terms, he's even got the audacity to blame you for his own fucken sleazy shenanigans - oh and everything else that he has fucked up in his life.

Seriously OP, no idea why you even like this person, he sounds absolutely vile and has nothing redeeming, absolutely nothing.

3perfectweemen Wed 18-Nov-15 17:10:11

After he admitted he may have slept with her and that betrayal while your baby was in hospital why did u forgive him? He hasn't even tried to make it up to you or made any effort towards you or your family. Just because he is depressed does not give him the right to be so cruel to you? Depression always seem to be his get out clause!! I'm sorry but he made the effort to perv over the support worker.. effort to go to gym.. effort to boast to his mates. What effort does he give you? Your children? Your home?

AnyFucker Wed 18-Nov-15 17:38:34

Some people just can't be helped.

ImperialBlether Wed 18-Nov-15 17:51:10

Oh god, this man is really awful. You would be MUCH better off away from him. He's cheated on you, pays nothing for his keep and does nothing at home? What's the fucking point of him?

As for that HCP - I hope you reported her. That's disgusting behaviour when she's supposed to be caring for your son.

He can see your son regularly; it's hardly as though he's there all the time for him anyway, is it? And if he cries and wails, remember he pays nothing and he's chatting up your son's nurse while your son is lying ill in hospital.

FantasticButtocks Wed 18-Nov-15 18:34:53

You say you hold out a small hope that things might go back to how they used to be. But even at the beginning, they were not good. If you drew a circle to represent the entire relationship, and coloured in 'slices' for the awful parts, the difficult parts, the traumatic parts, and a different colour for the fantastically good parts, how would it look, balance-wise?

I think if you're not afraid to be alone, that's an excellent start. Because being with someone who not only is unhelpful but actually drags you down, is the absolute pits. Far far worse than being on your own.

The dcs are better off not looking up to him to see how to make their way in the world. He is a poor example. Presumably he removed any inappropriate stuff from your DD's phone.

I wouldn't waste any more of your life. He has to go.

JasmineBrown87 Wed 18-Nov-15 21:51:40

I think to be honest I wasn't expecting so many people to see it the same way as me, I thought people would understand his side of things as his friends and family seem to... but then I don't really know what he tells them! I can't tell my friends or family, they're already unsure of him and I don't want them to worry over me.
I haven't reported her yet because he said he won't back me up, she has kids and he wouldn't want her to lose her job! I have kids, she didn't give a f* about mine, so I haven't completely ruled it out, I'm hoping to find out if I can still complain without proof x

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