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friendships- what is wrong with me?

(12 Posts)
bobsalong Tue 17-Nov-15 21:41:11

This is going to sound a bit self-pitying, I'm sorry everyone. (Also I hope this is in the right section). I will try to keep it short.

I've always struggled to make, and keep, friends. Moving around a lot and going to a school that I really struggled in scuppered things a bit in my late childhood and early teens, then controlling exs late teens buggered things up. by my early 20s and when I went to uni I had anxiety, depression and low self esteem so struggled then too.

Had my first DC this year and got through a lot of my issues, becoming a lot more comfortable with myself, more confident and laid back. No longer worried about making friends but just wanted to take every opportunity that comes up to meet new people. No pressure on myself.

And people just don't seem to want to be friends with me.
I used to chat to another expectant mum before DC was born, she asked to meet up, cancelled on me, then kept cancelling. Now she only seems to message me when she wants to know what milestones DC has reached, I assume to compare to her own child. I go to baby groups and chat with mums but it ends there. I met a group of mums who seemed really lovely, they invited me for coffee. We made a whatsapp group to organise meet ups, and whenever I posted suggesting something no one replied or I'd get one vague answer. I left it in the end.
I met up with a lovely mum who knows my DP. We met up a few times, I thought we really got on. Now she doesn't even reply to my messages (not in a bombarding, stalker way. Just a message asking how she is.)

I just don't get it. Why don't people want to do nice things or have someone to chat to? DP says I'm a friendly person, I have two best friends I've known for years and they say I'm supportive, fun, kind etc. I'm a happy person, I love being a mum and I just want other mums to chat to. Do other people feel like this too?
Sorry for the massive pity party. I'm not sad per se, just a bit deflated. I feel like a completely different person to how I was six years ago, but I still seem to be doing something that puts people off.

mum2mum99 Tue 17-Nov-15 22:13:19

I found it hard to make friends when the DCs were very young. Other peoples Dcs and mine always interrupted whenever we were starting a conversation. Sometimes I would get on great with the mum but felt like we were miles apart and not able to understand each other with our parenting. School was better and returning to work did wonder for my self confidence. My best friend is also a mum but we only talk or meet once a month. Best of luck.

holeinmyheart Tue 17-Nov-15 22:18:01

But bobsalong you have two best friends. That is more than most people have, so you can't be that bad.
To make friends you have to have proximity, interests in common, and funnily Look somewhat similar. Being on the same level monetarily and socially helps as well.

IMO it is hard being very friendly with someone loads richer than you, or loads poorer than you ( I am going to get a flaming from people who are friends with poorer or richer, but I am generalising)
I am friendly with people who are multi millionaires but we all started out years ago, together, which is different.

Then you need not to monopolise any conversation. A conversation is 50% listening and 50% talking. Someone who talks about themselves all the time, or who slags others off constantly or looks dirty and unkept gets the thumbs down in my book.
So when you meet someone new, listen carefully to them talking about what they want to talk about. Then think about what they have said, and then ask yourself whether you actually like them or not.

Then, don't expect too much from others, then you won't get disappointed.
Try to be congruent and relaxed. We all want to be with happy joyful people not grumpy miserable self centred souls.
Having written all that blah blah, I still think you are doing well to have two best friends.
I have two BFs and think I am blessed, really.
Relax, you're fine.

HPsauciness Tue 17-Nov-15 22:18:53

I found making friends with other mums hard, either they had pre-established groups, or were working different hours, or they would say they wanted to meet up and then didn't and so on. I don't know the answer as I went back to work and just started seeking out like-minded people, some with older kids, some with none. I think trying to be friends with people as they have same age children is very hit and miss, you might get lucky, you might not. I don't think it's you though (and in London I found it very hard indeed).

springydaffs Tue 17-Nov-15 22:52:54

There are a lot of flakey people about imo. You have TWO best friends, you're rich!
Keep plowing the field, don't take it personally (easy to say...).

ciele Tue 17-Nov-15 22:57:02

The older you get the more self reliant u become. Two bf s is enough. You only need a few casual friends and I find over the years these change as circumstances change.

VocationalGoat Tue 17-Nov-15 23:08:13

I'm one of those flakes OP. And I always feel badly about it. But what happens is I meet a wonderful new mum with say a 9 month old baby. And then there's me with my 3 kids, youngest a year and a half, eldest a teen. Between school runs, activities for the older two, and the exhaustion of chasing back and forth with my youngest, I tend to not 'accept' friendships anymore. Sounds awful, I know. But friendships deserve time and effort and loyalty, as do all relationships. I can't give what a lot of mums expect sometimes.

Is it possible you are meeting mums with too many irons in the fire?

The bottom line is, mums flake a lot because a) they're tired and b) a lot of them really value their own quiet time. For example, I write and am working on a novel. No one in my circle of friends knows I'm doing this apart from two incredibly close friends. But everyone thinks I'm a flake. grin I am. But actually, I am also ivesting my time into something that is a bit socially restrictive. I know a lot of mums in the same position.

It's horses for courses really. And you'll probably find that once your LO is in nursery/school, friendships will come a lot more easily and on terms you and other kindred spirits can agree with. flowers

Meemolly Thu 19-Nov-15 16:57:55

OP, I really struggled with this too. Although I loved having kids at home, I really yearned for a friend or two to chat with and although I thought I clicked with a couple of people, I don't think they agreed! I changed the type of group I went to from the casual, chit chat coffee morning type group to the more structured library sing song type one where it didn't matter too much if you came alone with your child and I just tried to enjoy time with my kids. I don't have much friend making confidence and I think people sense that and back off, but you are lucky to have 2 best friends so try and nurture the relationships you do have and hopefully things will improve. You are not alone though, it is tricky out there!

bobsalong Thu 19-Nov-15 19:28:44

Thank you everyone. I know I am lucky, especially to have been friends with them for so long. It's just hard because they both live far away enough that we don't meet regularly, both are sporadic at keeping in touch, neither have kids and they both have Quite dramatic lifestyles which means it can be very draining seeing them, especially now I'm a mum.
I think I just need to stop blaming myself and stop letting people mess me about!

Meemolly Thu 19-Nov-15 19:56:31

Ah, I had the impression for some reason that they lived close to you. I wish there was a magical answer, but I think the best thing is just to keep putting yourself out there in situations that you are comfortable with and then you never know what may happen. I also decided just to be blanket friendly to everyone which has really helped at the school gates now as I still don't really have friends but at least I have people to chit chat with while I wait and I don't feel like a miserable lonely island all on my own!

hellsbellsmelons Fri 20-Nov-15 15:24:49

I am very much like you except I have 3 friends - well 2 friends and my DSis.
I have many people I can talk to etc... but I've never really made any new friends. Not in years.
We have dinner with other couples occasionally but I've never become good friends with any of them.
This is fine by me.
My 2 best friends live a bit away and it can be difficult to get dates in the diary but we always meet up every 2 months or so.
My very best friend and I meet more regularly. I saw her last week and am off to visit her next week but then we probably won't see each until January.
It's very normal to be like this. Honestly it is.
Make the most of your lovely friends and keep mingling. You never know when another friendship might 'blossom'

ILiveAtTheBeach Fri 20-Nov-15 16:25:17

I wouldn't worry about it. It won't be personal. Once you have kids, most people are just too busy to sustain much of a social life. They're too tired. Money is shorter. Lots and lots of reasons. Have some wine

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