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DH appears to be flirting with an affair

(74 Posts)
CinderellaSometimes Tue 17-Nov-15 21:22:20

DH and I haven't been good for ages. I have a long line of grivences, am sure he does too. If we didn't have DS who is 6, I would have left ages ago.

At the moment I am furious because he's run up 7 grand worth of debt on a credit card and not told me. I meanwhile have 6,500 in savings which I was really excited on spending on furniture which we need, and getting nice things as well. We need sofas, carpet, new curtains, all sorts (and we do need them, we're half way through renovating, we have no furniture at all in the living room!) I've saved up for the last year to get this money - I'm a relatively high earner but haven't been buying big treats. He meanwhile put his travel season ticket and left it on a credit card with no attempt to pay it off, just left it there for a year. He's also put two football season tickets (at over 1000 each) on it, and made no attempt to pay it off. I knew he had put the travel on a credit card but it never occured to me he wasn't paying it off. We have a joint bank account which we pay into to cover bills - I pay £1500 and he pays in £550. Other than that his finances and mine are seperate, I put money into savings on top of that plus cover DS school fees and other bits and pieces. I paid the deposit on our house in its entirety and paid off another one of his debts from before we got together of about 10 grand. He earns 30,000 a year, his travel is 5000 a year, so it didn't occur to me he wasn't paying it off, but if he'd talked to me I could have upped my contribution to the joint finances and saved less, but I didn't know. Sorry to go so much in depth into amounts but trying to give the whole picture.

He's been absolutely vile about helping me pick the furniture, really stroppy and obnoxious. He now says it's because he's stressed about the debt and having no money and I'm wasting money on sofas. And I'm just so angry and it's stupid because it's only stuff, but I was really excited about them and now I have to spend my savings paying off his stupid credit cards because it's ridiculous to have debt hanging over us when I have it in savings. I feel very childish about it but I can't help being frustrated.

This is not the only issue, we have a rubbish sex life, I don't think fancy him and I haven't for years really. It comes and goes.

Anyway, am sure he could list many things about me, I'm not perfect! I'm just trying to set the scene.

Tonight he's running late coming home from work. He's told me he's going to get the later train, be back about 11.

But he's left Facebook messenger on DS's iPad, and I went to look at it. And he's arranged to meet a girl, an old school friend. It's the second time he will have met her and not told me. I know this from reading his messages, not my finest hour! I don't think it's an affair, or at least not yet. But I do think that it's leaning that way, his past messages say "was so good to see you, sorry if I talked to much. I had a great time lets do it again soon."

And now they're doing it again. He's facetimed me and DS and didn't mention that he was off to meet her, just said he was on his way home but next train wasn't for an hour, two minutes later he messaged her to say he was on his way, there in a minute.

And worryingly I'm not that bothered. There is a little voice in my head which says it would be great because then he would be the bad guy, I would be blameless and I can just get on and finish the marriage. Does that make me a bad person?

Then i realise how it would devestate DS and realise I am a bad person.

What should I do?

Sighing Tue 17-Nov-15 21:26:36

If you feel that this is a good thing I'd gocus on getting yourself organised. There's obviously something very wrong in your relationship.

AnyFucker Tue 17-Nov-15 21:26:35

Take steps to end the relationship while it is still amicable

Neither of you have respect for each other

It is over in all but name

Buy that sofa. For your own place. And fgs, stop paying off his debts.

MuttonCadet Tue 17-Nov-15 21:27:25

It sounds like you aren't happy in your marriage, regardless of what he may or may not be doing. Either talk it through (possibly with a mediator or therapist), or make your plans to get out.

As you're married it doesn't matter who paid more deposit or who's name the savings are in, they are all counted as marital assets (unless you got a pre-nup). As are the debts. I think you need to think this through in detail.

Good luck thanks

notapizzaeater Tue 17-Nov-15 21:27:54

Totally agree, walk away now with some dignity. You admit neither if you are happy, you'd DS will pick up in this.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Tue 17-Nov-15 21:29:30

OP that is so sad. But your head sounds very screwed on.

He doesn't sound like a good partner, nor a good role model from what you have told us.

Unless he has some amazing redeeming features then I think you know all is not well.

Hold onto your money. It's yours.

MorrisZapp Tue 17-Nov-15 21:30:15

Yes, what they said. Make plans to leave the marriage.

honeyroar Tue 17-Nov-15 21:34:35

I'd walk away at this point too. It doesn't sound as though there's much there. Rather than waiting until he's the bad guy id sit him down, say that you know he's met this girl and you think that things have been bad for a while and ask him if he thinks it would be better to split now rather than let things get worse.

I would shut the joint account a sap. You'd be liable for any debt on that account (overdrafts..). Start thinking about where you'd go/manage/what needs sorting.

CinderellaSometimes Tue 17-Nov-15 21:37:36

Oh I know they are marital assets but the way we've always organised our money has been mine and his. I was just trying to show that I'm not mean and keeping money from him and making him run up debts, I don't understand why he wouldn't either plan to pay it off, or tell me that he couldn't afford to and needed to pay it less. Why would he just keep ignoring it?

How do you go about just ending a marriage? I don't know how to have that conversation. I thought if he had an affair then I could be all angry and throw him out and then it's done.

I sound about 15.

Lizawithaz Tue 17-Nov-15 21:39:56

You clearly can't stand each other so why on earth have you not divorced? Do you really think this is healthy for your DD?

CinderellaSometimes Tue 17-Nov-15 21:41:08

The not getting a joint bank account was his idea by the way back when we first married. I always assumed we would have totally joint finances but he thought the set up would be better to have one bank account for bills then keep our own.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 17-Nov-15 21:50:13

Don't pay off his credit card! What are you thinking?
In fact, why are you not divorced if that's how you feel about him?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 17-Nov-15 21:51:06

You don't need a big explosive reason to end a marriage. See a lawyer, get legal advice so you know where you stand financially and file for divorce.

eastwest Tue 17-Nov-15 21:52:42

I agree with everyone - this isn't a marriage (assuming you're being totally honest about your feelings & not toughing it out). If you would have left him ages ago if it wasn't for your DC, why pay off his debts? Why put money into a joint home? I'd stop that right now and put it into a future for you on your own, you will be much happier by the sounds of it.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Tue 17-Nov-15 21:56:22

Don't blame your DS for you staying in this dysfunctional relationship. That's a terrible burden to put on your child. And don't kid yourself that DS thinks everything's fine and dandy.

Go and see a solicitor and start taking steps to end the marriage.

TheFormidableMrsC Tue 17-Nov-15 21:56:48

What Anyfucker said. That.

flowers for you OP. Make a new life, you both sound like you need it.

TaintForTheLikesOfWe Tue 17-Nov-15 21:57:33

I would be really grumpy that he spends so much on bloody football when he puts in so little compared to you. I agree with others, get advice and withdraw from this 'marriage', he is taking the piss.

eastwest Tue 17-Nov-15 21:57:24

I think you need to decide what YOU want in your life, individually and as person, rather than making it about this other woman, or about him. I mean what if he gets all tearful and begs you to stay? I would just sit him down and say, 'I'm not happy, and I am going to get a divorce.' (And plan your finances in advance, etc.). What I mean is, if you are unhappy in a marriage you have the right to leave. you don't need another reason.

eastwest Tue 17-Nov-15 21:58:15

Agree about the football!

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna Tue 17-Nov-15 22:02:49

Why do you keep bailing him out? Stop!

Just call it a day and move on.

CinderellaSometimes Tue 17-Nov-15 22:03:04

I'm not blaming DS!! I'm making my own decision for the benefit of DS. Our mess is not his fault and I don't blame him for anything, I'm just trying to make the best of where we are.

i just keep putting my head in the sand and keeping going. I think I'm too much of a coward to have that conversation.

Epilepsyhelp Tue 17-Nov-15 22:05:14

Gosh that's going to be an expensive divorce for you sad don't pay his debts!!!

CinderellaSometimes Tue 17-Nov-15 22:06:13

The football makes me spit. He got the second season ticket when he was out of work, just put it on the credit card and told me afterwards.

timelytess Tue 17-Nov-15 22:08:39

There is a little voice in my head which says it would be great because then he would be the bad guy, I would be blameless and I can just get on and finish the marriage. Does that make me a bad person?
I hope not because that's exactly the line I took, all those years ago. When someone phoned me to say that my husband was shagging his girlfriend, I told the husband to leave, not wanting to miss the opportunity of having everyone on my side.

CinderellaSometimes Tue 17-Nov-15 22:12:49

But I work too hard and I'm really wrapped up in my job. And I'm not into what we used to do, I used to be all rock music and crazy parties, now i think that's a bit tedious. I guess I'm not the person he married.

And I resent he does no school pick ups and drop offs, I still do them all! He never tells me when he's going to be home early when I could do with staying another half hour at work. I still have to come haring back out for pick up time.

I thought you might tell me to pull myself together and make a go of it sad

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