Pre marriage help(21 Posts)
Hi, first time poster, long time lurker, no children. In need of experience/advice please.
I'm in counselling, originally I wasn't sure why I went other than general anxiety, panic attacks, low mood. But I'm learning that my mum has narcissistic tendencies and I have spent all my life suppressing my needs and trying to please her. I struggle with day to day decisions, knowing what I want, confrontation and speaking up for myself. Tbh I struggle to know what I think or feel on most things.
Anyway, point is, I've been engaged for a year and supposed to be getting married in spring but I'm putting off doing any actual planning - invitations, deposits, big decisions etc. We've been together 4 years and it was long distance for the last 2. Long distance because DP moved away as was unhappy with his career and I was unhappy with my career but wanted to stay in a good job until I figured out what to do. During that time I saved 50% of my income and that provided us with a deposit for the house we just bought and moved into together. DP has always had debts, max 18k, now with my supervision its down to about 11k. I'm a saver, he isn't so good at budgeting but is happy for me to manage it. I hate debt. He is quite relaxed as long as he meets minimum repayment.
So I moved to his area three months ago into our house. I'm now studying for a masters. And we just seem to be unable to get on with each other anymore. Sex is about 4 times in the last 6 months. He works all the time and is out at work or hobby about 3 evenings a week. I don't know anybody around here although I've never been very good at friendships so I'm also isolated wherever I am. He doesn't have many friends here either. I'm at home studying all the time. I go days without speaking to anyone except him for 5 minutes. When he is homr he is tired or needs space. I'm so tired too.
We can't seem to manage a house together, it is a mess and dirty. We can't even choose how to decorate it. Stuff is still all in boxes. We can't seem to manage food and meals. Both of us are solely eating junk food, me often to the point of making myself sick. I've stopped showering or getting dressed most days. I feel so alone and trapped.
I can't talk to my mum - she wouldn't listen. I have no friends who I can call. He is/was my best friend and I don't know what happened.
Thanks if you read this far. How can I make this all better for us? I feel so lost and alone
You sound very depressed
Do you think you would be better off spending some time living on your own to find "you" to detach properly from your parents and actually work out what you need?
Thanks for your reply Random.
I do keep wondering if it would be better to have some time to myself but I don't know to create it. I have no income anymore, just savings and all our finances are joint and we have the mortgage now.
And I worry that actually im just sabotaging something for no reason.
I did live alone for a year when we were long distance but I was utterly miserably and just sat at home alone all the time. I'm not sure it would be any different in the future
Both of our sets of parents have separated in the last year too. We're both struggling with that and the idea of getting married.
How can you make it better when you are lost and alone and you've lost your best friend? Make friends. Put all your effort into going out and making friends.
Is your Masters a distance learning course? Are there study groups near you that you could join? Could you do some in class learning at a local university?
Do you work? Could you work?
You are doing the right thing by not actually planning the wedding. You are not a happy couple so you shouldn't be getting married, at least not right now. The failure to unpack or decorate is a sign that you both know the relationship is not right.
You've just bought a house together so it is going to be harder to live apart if that's what you both need. You paid the deposit and he has large debts. Is the house solely in your name or both names? Who is paying the mortgage?
I hope you used a good solicitor who drew up paperwork to protect your investment when you bought the house and contributed your savings. Was there a deed of trust? Are you joint tenants or tenants in common?
Hi sunshineyellow, sorry to hear your going through a rough patch. I very nearly brought a house with me exp so your story rings home to what I've been through in the sense of having few friends, moving to be near your partner and feeling alone. I think you have made the right choices so far not committing financially with regards wedding arrangements. Have you tried speaking to your partner?
House is in both our names - joint tenants and we're both on the mortgage. While I'm studying he is mostly paying the mortgage, i'm not working and have a small grant which I contribute to our pot each month but it doesn't cover a lot. I know that I've taken a risk on that but it was a conscious decision I made on the basis we were imminently getting married so it is all joint anyway.
I know I'm putting up a lot of barriers myself to going out and making friends. I dont know how to get through them. I feel so awful and really struggle to talk to people.
My mum also given us with her dog which she has got fed up with. I feel awful and guilty if I go out and leave her and then I feel awful for feeling so horrid towards him. So I really struggle to get myself out the house. It shouldn't prevent me doing anything but it does.
Wibhay - thanks. I worry that it's all too much at once for us. Or hope maybe this is just teething problems? I'd love to talk to him but I don't know what to say, or how. I don't have any words really.
The dog is not your problem, if he isn't a positive thing rehome him!
Start by telling your dp that you're unhappy and feeling lonely x
Sorry - he knows I'm unhappy and lonely. I can say that much. But he gets very upset. He feels like its his fault and that he is has failed because I'm not happy and he can't make me happy. He thinks I dont love him or want to marry him anymore. And I feel awful for upsetting him and not having a solution. So we are rather stuck in that circle.
Seriously tackle the friends issue and the rest will follow.
Your DP is right, he can't make you happy. You have to do that for yourself. No one is happy if they don't have friends. It is unhealthy to have only one friend, especially if that person is also your boyfriend.
Focus of fixing that then see where you are with the rest. Helping you to make friends is something he can actively help you with, which might help him to feel happier too.
A common hobby, or study subject, is a great way to have something to talk to people about. I am told dogs are similarly good for making friends. Dog obedience classes? Dog walking group?
If you've stopped showering or getting dressed your depression is serious and you need more professional help, in addition to seeing your counsellor that is. If you haven't yet done so, please go and see your GP.
I think it's vitally important that you properly address your mental health, this should be priority number one and you should certainly not press on with wedding plans or making any decisions about the relationship until you are doing better in yourself. Once you're getting the right help for your depression and are starting to feel a bit stronger, I suggest doing something to get you out of the house and interact with people, whether that's volunteering and/or doing a hobby. It will help massively with your mental health.
As for your relationship, now might not be the right time to address it, but it doesn't sound like your fiancé is helping your mental health - I wonder if he could be making it worse.
"we just seem to be unable to get on with each other anymore. Sex is about 4 times in the last 6 months. He works all the time and is out at work or hobby about 3 times a week."
"When he is home he is tired or needs space."
So basically he's not often around, and when he is there he's not interested in spending time with you? He's not putting much effort into the relationship, is he? If he wants to marry you he should be making an effort and supporting you through your depression. Instead he is neglecting you and the relationship. He may have depression problems himself, but it's not going to help either of you if he buries his head in the sand as far as your relationship is concerned.
What do you mean when you say you can't get on any more - could you give any examples?
Also, how much was the mortgage deposit and did you pay for all of it from your own savings, or did he contribute something? If it wasn't 50-50, did the solicitor draw up a deed of trust? You may not have bothered given your engagement, but a good solicitor should have strongly advised it.
RunRabbit I'd like to tackle the friends issue but I feel its pretty much ingrained in me. I hate groups, I can never follow or contribute to a conversation. I have no response to 'how are things with you' other than utter misery and I'm still obsessing over a comment I made in conversation which got laughed at four days ago.
I've honestly never had friends, and I struggle to understand how it works. There are a people I see once a week doing the masters also, but I can't seem to find anything to say beyond initial pleasantries. There is a lady in our new street my age, with two children and I'd like to be friends but I don't know how to get past a wave and a Hiya.
Sorry, thank you for the advance, I'd love to take it. I wish I knew how
AnotherEmma - thank you for your long response. This is the most I've spoken to anyone else or got outside my own head in a really long time.
I think he is depressed - we spoke a little tonight and he just feels utterly responsible even for things which are out of his control and he is having suicidal thoughts. He is very angry at himself. He has no friends either and I don't know how to help him. Neither of us seems able to offer much support to the other.
Yes, generally ive been so disappointed that I haven't been his number one priority since we moved in together. I thought it would be like the early days again. But that was probably an unreasonable expectations from me and not fair for me to put everything on to him.
Can a GP help? I think I've always been this way and my mum is pretty similar so suspect it is just my personality.
Oh, OP. Even if it is "just your personality", you can get help to feel better, and you deserve to. Your GP can definitely help, they can prescribe medication and/or refer you for various treatment such as CBT, psychotherapy, etc. Please do go and see them. And if your fiancé is having suicidal thoughts, it's vitally important that he goes too. You both need professional help, it's no wonder your relationship is struggling at the moment. It's hard enough supporting someone with depression when you're well, let alone when you're depressed yourself.
The reason I suggested volunteering and/or a hobby is that they would both give you something to talk about with people, you wouldn't have to make small talk because you could focus on the thing you're doing together.
Do you have any shops or pubs nearby?
Can you work part time in one of these?
It is a great confidence builder and a brilliant way to meet local people and have conversations.
I know working in a pub has boosted my confidence no end.
I know everyone and they know me.
Can I ask a question which is kind of a side issue but quite important. Did you actually want the dog? Because if you're having trouble taking care of yourself you shouldn't be tied to a pet you don't want. You're in therapy because you know your Mum has boundary issues but in making you take on a dog because she can't be bothered with it that has crossed a boundary. And interesting that as soon as you get your own home with someone else she feels the need to affect its makeup in that way...
Yes that's a good question longtalljosie. I heard that having a pet can help with mental health problems, as it's something to love and look after, but if you don't actually want the dog it's more of a hindrance than a help.
I'm sorry you're feeling so low sunshine - both of you.
How long have you been going to counselling? Do you feel it's helping you to make improvements in your life, or do you feel that you're not getting anywhere? I'm wondering if the counsellor, or their methodology, is not really right for you.
Thanks for your responses. It sounds like I need to get us both to the GP and I need to find a way to get out more. Maybe a pub will take me for some shifts over Christmas. I feel nervous at thth e thought of people though. LongTallJosie/AnotherEmma - i'm not sure about the dog. I love him to pieces but he is a huge stress and responsibility. I didn't choose him but can't bear to send him to a rescue centre. I'm really pissed at mum for not realising that, having never lived together before and spending two years apart we might have enjoyed some time together.
pocket Saviour - not sure how to tell if it is helping. I've been going 3/4 months. I struggle to talk and get my words out. But I feel better for two/three days after each appointment, generally. I just feel like I want someone else to come in and make decisions and fix it all for me though. And I guess that's not going to happen
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