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Am I reading too much into this?

(14 Posts)
Superfluousss Tue 17-Nov-15 20:10:29

I have DCs with my ex-husband who's older than me (by nearly 20 yrs) and was abusive. I had my first DC at 22. Gave up work when I got pregnant and was sahm until exh and I split.

I've been seeing a new man for 3 months. Haven't told him anything about the abuse in my marriage. All he knows is that my ex doesn't have contact with DCs.

Yesterday, talking about work, children and childcare, he said to me 'Blimey you were really quite young when you had children did you actually want to have them when you did?' or words to that effect. He also asked if I never felt I'd missed out on just having fun.

I'm watching out for red flags all the time and I can't decide whether that was a crappy judgemental thing to say or whether it's just he touched a nerve as my ex did push me to get preggers asap, and I felt on the spot.

springydaffs Tue 17-Nov-15 20:24:03

It's a perfectly OK comment imo. It just hit on your stuff.

pocketsaviour Tue 17-Nov-15 20:25:20

I agree with Springy. Unless he was saying it in a sneery way?

MooPointCowsOpinion Tue 17-Nov-15 20:26:13

I wouldn't be offended if someone said that to me about my age when I had my first, so no, I don't think that's a red flag.

I would say keep watching for flags though.

Suddenlyseymour Tue 17-Nov-15 20:26:29

Perfectly fine - he's not insulting or belittling you, just genuinely asking a question. It's hit a nerve because he's (unwittingly) correct

SoWhite Tue 17-Nov-15 20:39:34

Its a fine comment. He was asking about your life, and its circumstances. I wouldn't worry.

Are you in the right mindset to be dating though? Are you finding yourself to be oversensitive to potential red flags?

RiceCrispieTreats Tue 17-Nov-15 20:44:39

It sounds fine. In fact, it sounds like he is being kind and thoughtful, enquiring whether you feel you had enough fun, or whether you might feel that your youth was taken away from you.

Have you had counselling to help you deal with the after-effects of an abusive relationship? It can be very useful, as can the Freedom Programme.

Superfluousss Tue 17-Nov-15 22:04:10

Not said in a sneery way, pocket.

I didn't feel insulted or belittled, just taken aback, as in shit what do I say?

Just hit on my stuff is about right springy. I've put up a wall around it and I'm not too sure how to deal with it now. Shrugged it all off as if it was never a problem. Felt like shit 'cause actually painted my ex as a nice enough man.

I'm completely over sensitive to potential red flags and spend too much time analysing everything. New man is very nice. I struggle to see why he wants to be involved with me.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 17-Nov-15 22:44:43

He wants to be involved with you because he thinks you're very nice.

Go with the flow and enjoy it - the deeper stuff can come later, or not if you prefer to keep certain aspects of your life entirely to yourself.

There's no reason to feel "like shit" for having painted your abusive twunt of an ex as a 'nice enough man' as it's necessary to protect yourself from what may be overly intrusive questions from those you don't know very well and to prevent them from forming/expressing opinions that aren't based on fact.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 17-Nov-15 23:17:53

He wants to be involved with you because he thinks you're very nice.

Go with the flow and enjoy it - the deeper stuff can come later, or not if you prefer to keep certain aspects of your life entirely to yourself.

There's no reason to feel "like shit" for having painted your abusive twunt of an ex as a 'nice enough man' as it's necessary to protect yourself from what may be overly intrusive questions from those you don't know very well and to prevent them from forming/expressing opinions that aren't based on fact.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 17-Nov-15 23:19:52

Apologies for posting twice - maybe you needed to hear it more than once, OP smile

Trills Tue 17-Nov-15 23:24:25

That's not the most polite thing to say but it's a very normal thing to think and it's not very unusual that someone might say that.

Has nobody ever said that to you before?

If it's something that upsets you I'd have a stock answer on call, just something flippant that moves the conversation on.

"I'll still be young when they're grown up"
or
"Are you really asking me if I had a contraception failure?"
or
"It's too late to change my mind now"
or something else that is more in fitting with your personality...

hellsbellsmelons Wed 18-Nov-15 13:02:06

Have you done the Freedom Programme?
If not then please contact Womens Aid and do it.
For your own piece of mind.

And I don't think that comment was a red flag.

Superfluousss Wed 18-Nov-15 13:48:26

Thanks Goddess smile.

Not really, Trills. Never raised eyebrows at the time with people close to me, or at least they never said but then my family doesn't really look out for me. I understand why people might wonder. I would too now. People only started asking what else I planned to do with my life once DCs hit pre-school age.

I didn't feel offended or upset, more found out. It's after, that I thought maybe he was judging, and that's why I posted. New man only recently realised my ex's age and, combined with a couple of other snippets I think has started putting two and two together. He was spot on. Think it's me feeling defensive.

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