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partner too strict? or am i too soft? help please

(55 Posts)
30006168ce Tue 17-Nov-15 19:45:40

Hi. I am a mum of 1 beautiful little girl, who will be 4 in 2 weeks time. DD has always been a pleasure to be around and in my eyes you don't get many children as well behaved or mannered as her. I have been with my partner now for 3 years who is not her father, she has grown a relationship with him now of course. He has just bought a house and wants us to move in with him, its a lovely house, garden and spare rooms and garage.... Perfect place to bring up a child. The only problem is, is that I feel hes too strict on her and I don't want her to be unhappy, her behaviour has descended in this past month and I am dealing with it the best I can but I feel like he is telling me what I should be doing with her to discipline her too much, i feel like he never gives her a break, even minor things like making a mess or spilling food hes on her back, im fed up of it, i think he struggles to remember she is 3 not 13, I feel like he wants her to behave immaculately 24/7 and this past few weeks he has said a few things that have concerned me 'in this new house there will be none of that, i am the boss, i will have the authority' I do not want to be in the position where i feel embarrassed of something my daughters done in the new house because of him making me feel like its his house and his rules. I feel so silly because i know he loves us dearly and i know he just wants the best for her but im sick of being stuck between my daughter and him, because of course, my daughter will always win and its causing problems in our relationship. Can anyone give me advice? or if it was you, what you would do? We are due to move in, in 2 weeks time xx

mintoil Tue 17-Nov-15 19:50:18

OP you may want to report your own post to have your daughters name removed as it could be identifying?

As for the rest - no way would I move in with a man who was already telling me "I am the boss, I will have the authority."

He is TELLING YOU WHO HE IS. Will you listen?

whatdoIget Tue 17-Nov-15 19:50:51

Don't move in with him. He's telling you he's going to be the boss and have the authority. No chance!

pocketsaviour Tue 17-Nov-15 19:51:35

OP, first off please report your own post (Report link in top right of your post) and ask MN staff to edit out your daughter's name, as it makes you quite identifiable.

Fairylea Tue 17-Nov-15 19:52:06

He sounds horrid. Let him be the boss of his own house - without you and your daughter in it.

Your dd deserves to have a childhood free from being bullied, which is exactly what he's doing.

pocketsaviour Tue 17-Nov-15 19:53:05

Secondly, don't move in with this man unless you want a miserable life for you and your daughter. He's telling you that once he has you (both) in place, you will be subordinate to him and his current treatment of your DD is likely to get even worse, since he'll feel like he has free reign.

Please don't put your DD through this.

gamerchick Tue 17-Nov-15 19:56:59

Report your post and have your bairns name taken out.

Your instincts are screaming at you, listen to them and don't move in with this person - ever!

NettleTea Tue 17-Nov-15 19:57:50

No. No way. As you say, she is 3, not 13, and even a 13 year old shouldnt be expected to live under an authoritarian dictatorship, or she will grow up without any idea about how to express her own boundaries, or develope her own individuality.

He may be involved, but unless her behaviour is really awful, he should be backing up YOUR parenting, rather than setting his own agenda. And does his 'being the boss' extend to you too?

Doesnt sound like a partnership, sounds like he thinks he is going to call all the shots because he is providing the home.

Dont move in, and to be honest, Id be reconsidering the whole relationship tbh. He needs to back off, and you need to stand up for her.

Jackiebrambles Tue 17-Nov-15 19:58:50

Agree with the others. He sounds mean. Don't move your baby in with a mean man. Trust your gut.

HPsauciness Tue 17-Nov-15 20:06:40

He has told you he wants to be the boss of her, why on earth would that be ok with you? She is at the mercy of you as her mum, please don't let her be over-disciplined and shown whose boss by this man, it makes me feel quite upset reading about it, especially as she is a very well behaved child (but a child still) anyway. Please don't put your dd second here.

laundryeverywhere Tue 17-Nov-15 20:07:15

I agree with the others. I wouldn't give my child a step parent who I didn't feel 100%comfortable with their parenting. It's not uncommon for one parent to be a bit stricter, my Dh is. But my dd doesn't mind, it he is kind to her and she knows where she is with him. But we have a shared goal to make her happy and give her a good upbringing. So even though he is stricter, I feel like we are on the same wavelength.

I wouldn't move in with a man who made it clear it was their house not a shared family home. It will be his rules and his money and so on. Very controlling.

cailindana Tue 17-Nov-15 20:07:19

Do not under any circumstances move in with him. Any person who says 'I am the boss, I will have the authority' needs to be avoided like the plague.

category12 Tue 17-Nov-15 20:08:00

I wouldn't move in. You need to put your dd first and it sounds like he has plans to enforce inappropriate standards on a little girl.

Also, would you become dependent on him? I would be worried his ruling the roost will apply to you too, and he sees you as having no rights under his roof. He's wrong of course, but if you become dependent on him for a home, you're making yourself very vulnerable.

Living together should be about sharing, not one person having all the sayover everything because they own the building. That's not making a home together.

Enoughalreadyyou Tue 17-Nov-15 20:10:41

All the makings of an abusive man. He's told you and your little one how it will be. Walking on eggshells. He doesn't love you he wants to own and dominate both of you.
You have been warned! He's a bully. What normal person gets mad at a toddler for not being perfect and spilling things. So what? It's normal.

Amazemedontbeacunt Tue 17-Nov-15 20:13:08

There's no way I'd move in with him. This period, before you move in with him, is when he is on his best behaviour - to "woo" you into moving in with him. THIS is his BEST behaviour.....

He's already told you HE will be in charge in the new house. In charge of your home, your daughter and you.

Please don't move in with him, it will be harder to move out when his behaviour worsens and by then your daughter could be very damaged, as could you.

Please don't move in with him. End things now. flowers

Oscarandelliesmum Tue 17-Nov-15 20:15:51

Just Echoing what the others have said. Massive red flags, please don't move in. Your instincts are right, this guy is an abuser in waiting.

TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 17-Nov-15 20:18:18

Hi OP
We've removed your DD's name.

Pipestheghost Tue 17-Nov-15 20:19:56

No no no no no, don't do it.

OneMoreCasualty Tue 17-Nov-15 20:24:46

I wouldn't move in with anyone who said that, kids or no kids, man or woman. No chance.

afromom Tue 17-Nov-15 20:25:49

Hi OP

I have just moved in with my partner, who is not DS dad. He bought the house, much the same as your DP, but the difference is that he bought the house for all of us to live in together. We made joint decisions on the decoration and DS had an equal say in how we decorated his bedroom.

We have been doing up the house for 2 months and have just moved in this weekend. At no point has DP said to either me or DS that it is his house. If we disagree or DS is clumsy we talk it out between us and make decisions between us.

Please don't move in with a man who sees your future home together as his, where he is the boss. This will not end well for you and I fear it will be very difficult for you to move out when you realise it is not right for you and your DD.

Yseulte Tue 17-Nov-15 20:28:41

Why do you assume he 'wants what's best for her'? I don't get that impression at all.

NettleTea Tue 17-Nov-15 20:34:58

Do you think he behaviour has got worse because she doesnt want to live with him. Kids can be very astute

thefourgp Tue 17-Nov-15 20:49:49

There are twenty people posting above me who have said no don't move in with him and not one who has said yes move in with him. What does that tell you? Big red flag. You'll sincerely regret it if you do.

AnyFucker Tue 17-Nov-15 20:54:57

Run !

Run like the wind !

Save yourself. You have been warned.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 17-Nov-15 21:16:12

i am the boss, i will have the authority

This man has told you and, by the despicable manner in which he's treating your dd, has shown you the type of monster he is.

i know he loves us dearly and i know he just wants the best for her

You couldn't be more wrong if you tried and it's alarming that you have used these words to minimise the abuse he is inflicting on your dd.

FGS scoop up your precious little girl and run for the hills because this man is not fit to be around children and he will break her spirit and make her life a living hell.

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