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new bloke

(17 Posts)
cheezy Tue 17-Nov-15 19:24:53

If you were seeing a newish bloke (4ish months) and, in talking about past relationships etc they said they had a long standing unrequited love for an old friend, would you

a) proceed
b) proceed with caution
c) kill it dead

Tomboyinatutu Tue 17-Nov-15 19:34:09

Honestly, kill it dead. I was in a relationship with someone but had always had feelings for someone else and those feelings never went away. I am now with that other person, engaged and having his second child (previous relationship didn't end because of him or my feelings though)

gatewalker Tue 17-Nov-15 19:34:57

b) with a view to moving swiftly to c) if need be after a frank conversation - one where I would ask him directly if he would want to be in a relationship with his friend if they started to return his feelings.

HappyHopefulStrongerAlone Tue 17-Nov-15 19:35:06

c) kill it dead. Been there got the t shirt, hat and souvenir mug. You want someone unencumbered.

TurnipCake Tue 17-Nov-15 19:37:03

Kill it with fire

cheezy Tue 17-Nov-15 20:16:21

thanks. urgh

SoWhite Tue 17-Nov-15 20:17:57

Kill it. Then kill it again.

Gabilan Tue 17-Nov-15 20:23:06

Kill it, unless you really are happy with an emotionally unavailable fuck buddy. IME I was competing with an ideal and it was impossible.

TaintForTheLikesOfWe Tue 17-Nov-15 22:07:21

If this has bubbled out at this stage it's a big part of his life. I would kill it and if I couldn't I would always be sure to have one foot halfway out anyway so you don't get too hurt.

MuddySludge Tue 17-Nov-15 22:14:19

It depends. If you were talking about past relationships and this was in relation to the distant past then fair enough. Most of us have fallen for someone who didn't feel the same at some point.
Or is he saying he still has these feelings or did until very recently? If that's the case, then yes sorry, I would kill it and quickly.

AnyFucker Tue 17-Nov-15 22:16:08

kill it and stamp on it to make sure it is dead

cheezy Tue 17-Nov-15 22:23:15

well yes it is a recent thing, but he is fairly realistic about it and reconciled to it never happening.

I know there are one or two people I will always hold a torch for, so don't know whether it's a bit harsh to end something promising over what is quite a common human experience. Or maybe I am just making excuses.

I have witnessed good relationships where one half is grieving at the start, either through bereavement or being abandoned. But you have to be a very big person to accept you may be second best. And I'm not sure I'm big or strong enough for that.

Missyaggravation Tue 17-Nov-15 22:26:08

Yeah deffo kill, was in a relationship with a guy I really fancied. However he had a best friend who he saw rigidly twice a week, me hmm so it's platonic, him, of well we did sleep together a few times but it was weird. Me uhmmmm bye

Missyaggravation Tue 17-Nov-15 22:29:08

You will always be second fiddle, not worth it, you are a bit player in their game. Have a look at binders thread, they were great "friends" throughout her relationship, don't go there

Gabilan Tue 17-Nov-15 22:33:27

Cheezy I can only say what I'd do, based on my experiences. If you feel it's good enough to proceed with caution, then do.
In my case, the ex who'd dumped him 6 years previously, who he was still in love with, clicked her fingers and he went back to her. After all the hurt she caused him, she's who he wanted [shrug]

noclueses Wed 18-Nov-15 00:53:00

I'm not so sure. It's clear that she will never be 'clicking her fingers' as she was never interested (long-standing as it is). It's good that he hasn't keot it from you, OP, talking about it may be his way of moving on. It also depends on how he told you - you say he's reconciled, but has he said that the feelings are fading and that he WANTS to shake it off? Or was he telling you in a miserable or dreamy sort of way? I think if it was matter of fact and as if he wanted to be open and share with you but with the aim to move on, guve him time.
My serious ex met someone who was after him when we had issues and then have split up. He said he didn;'t have feelings for her after being through the mill, we were on and off for a bit but all wrong. Guess what, she has perservered and over a year or so he really has moved on, then aniother year and they have a family and he's committed from what I knew, we aer not at all in contact. So she's dealt with the reality - he was NOT emotionally available at that moment but also knew he needed to move on, people can't just switch on and off fast - but it worked for her. Mind you he is a good man and did want a serious r-ship in principle. Ovbiously if you aer getting vibes that your BF is after a fling or casual, then hemay be comfortable with his head in the clouds.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 18-Nov-15 02:07:16

I think I'd probably proceed with caution: four months is quite early on to be looking for a full-tilt commitment anyway.

Though it would probably be useful to know if he still socialises with the old friend or is in touch with her on any deeper level than exchanging birthday greetings on Facebook. If he is still fairly close to her then there is a possibility that one day they will get together - though there is also a possibility that she will fall madly in love with someone else and drop contact with him. If she's someone he hasn't actually seen for years and they never so much as went on a date, then it's possible that his interest in her will dwindle if he's enjoying shagging you your company lots.

Relationships have no guarantees. He may have told you about this crush of his in a misguided attempt at 'being totally honest'. Decide what to do on the basis of how he behaves towards you, not what he says.

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